Lived Experience Forum

[D1ng0]

Hello everyone, a (hopefully) happy Friday to you all. Thanks for the recent advice/support, it's been hugely appreciated... and is exactly the type of advice I want to be getting. Sadly, I have a question about getting unwanted advice related to handling/managing mental illnesses, particularly when advice is coming from people who have no right to tell you how to live.

TW: Eating Disorders

Content/trigger warning

I'll keep it vague, but several of my complex mental illnesses are courtesy of my parent. Because of the trauma I was put through as a child, solely by of this parent, I am now living with extremely difficult conditions, one of which is Bulimia Nervosa.

Today, during a phone call, I told this parent for the first time that I have been diagnosed with Bulimia. Since this diagnosis is very recent (Tuesday just past), I talked about struggling with it. The advice I got was along the lines of, "I managed my eating disorder just fine, so you'll be fine as well," and, "you don't need any medication". Not only was this advice given in an incredibly dismissive way at a very inappropriate time, it's also just... completely untrue. This parent did not manage their eating disorder just fine, [edited by moderator] They fat-shamed me, used food to hurt me, and made my childhood hellish. They also made my adulthood hellish, especially when I came out. (I'm in the LGBTQA+ community.) At every turn, they have harmed my mental health.

Because I'm so isolated, I answered when they called, and I really hoped that they would just be nice, for once. But the whole call involved being interrupted, spoken over, dismissed, and told what to do. I'm working so, so hard to stay afloat and manage on my own. Their advice totally cheapened what I've been able to achieve in terms of getting help and caring for myself.

I never have any idea what to do when I'm getting "advice" from this parent. Pushing back, even in a small way, gets me yelled at and makes things worse. Obviously I keep communication to a minimum, and from now on I certainly won't be answering their calls until I'm much less sick and able to steer the conversation to neutral topics, but beyond that I'd like some empathy and/or advice. This won't be the last time that my parent treats me this way.

If you have found yourself in a situation where a person is yammering on about how you're doing recovery wrong, and about how much of an expert they are when you know otherwise, what have you done? How have you managed it in the moment, or how have you cared for yourself afterwards?

I don't have anyone who can comfort me or give me a hug, so I'm all alone and would really appreciate your solidarity. Thanks, SANE folks. I hope you're all doing okay.

[tyme]

Hey @D1ng0 ,

Thank you for sharing. 

I've just removed a few words so that the post is safe for the community to read. I have also added a trigger warning and a spoiler so that people can chose whether they want to read it or not.

I'm sorry you had to go through so much as a child. The trauma is very clear. It must be so hard to feel dismissed.

I look forward to reading what the community here share.

Please take care.

You deserve so much more.

[D1ng0]

Hey @tyme thank you so much for doing that, I'll add in trigger warnings and expandable sections from now on, that's a really useful feature.

Thank you, it is really hard. Unfortunately when I'm this isolated/depressed, I'm vulnerable to believing they'll be different... but they never are.

I really appreciate your kind words. I hope you have a good night.

[tyme]

I hear you @D1ng0 ,

I think we want so very much for people to change, and we think we can change them... only to be disappointed that what you've said and done has had little or no impact.

I've been sort of butting heads with people in real life (not forums), because they have totally different ideas and use what they want as an excuse for their behaviour. For many weeks, I lost sleep. I stressed about it. I was upset. Then one day, I said to myself, I CAN'T change them. Why lose sleep over it? Why try to change people who don't want to be changed?

From that day on, I learnt to accept the fact that they weren't going to change, but I was NOT going to stop living, just stressing about their actions.

Do what's right for you. Allow yourself to heal and not be held back by people who aren't going to change.

Hope I'm making sense.

[Snowie]

Hi @D1ng0 

Firstly it is nice to meet you, I don't think we have talked before.

I know first hand of how harmful advice is from the wrong person/people.

My mum has been a constant source of unwanted advice. I have written numerous times the things she says and things she does to me, thinking that her way is the right way. She has no regard for what I say. She thinks she is an 'expert' on my mental health.

Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that whatever I say to her she is not going to change her views/mind. I have tried numerous times to talk to her about my mental illness and have been meet with untrained advice and at times ridicule.

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to put my own health first. I have told her that there are things I do not want to discuss with her and that if she starts on those topics then I would end the conversation straight away. She was not pleased to hear this but I told her if she wants a relationship with me that she would respect my boundaries.

It does hurt a lot when they give their opinion. After those phone calls I would reach out to people that would accept me as who I am. I am lucky in the fact that I have my husband who is a major support for me. Another place where I found my biggest support was on these forums. I could talk openly on here without any judgment. There was always someone to listen, give advice if I asked for it, or just sit with me through the hard times. The other thing I found useful was just writing down my thoughts, whether it was on the forums or in my journal. Just getting my thoughts out helped immensely. 

Self care is always a major factor in life too. Just doing things like sitting down and having a cuppa, watching a favourite tv show, cuddling with my dog. A lot of people think that when they hear the word self care they have to be big things we do for ourselves. Sometimes it is the little things that help the most.

I hope this has helped in some small way. Please know that we are here to listen and support you in any way you need it. Please keep reaching out for help.

I am sure there are others on here that would be able to give you some advice too on how to deal with your situation.

[D1ng0]

You're definitely making sense @tyme, thank you for sharing your experiences re: hoping that people will change. I'm really glad you were able to accept that certain people won't change, but also draw a line so that you won't be impacted anymore. Hopefully I can accomplish something similar. It's tricky with my parent, as they'll always be in my life to some extent (although I did cut them out of my life for a couple of years), but I definitely will be pausing any interactions with them to prioritise my own healing. Thank you 😊

[D1ng0]

Hey @Snowie, thank you so much for sharing your experiences with your mum. It sounds like we have heaps in common in terms of our parental situation. It really sounds like you could be speaking about my parent, it's almost spooky how dead-on that description is. Thinking that she's an expert on your mental health, having no regard for what you say, giving harmful opinions... yeah, that's my parent, too. It sucks ☹️

I'm definitely feeling that these forums are a place to seek help and find comfort. I'm very grateful for it. I'm glad you benefitted from that support long-term, and I hope that I can as well. I feel very envious of having a supportive partner. I feel like I've lost so much time to coming out, struggling with my identity, and being absolutely overwhelmed by all of my overlapping illnesses. I've never been in a relationship and I really wish I had that support.

That aside though, it is really nice to read someone's experience with setting boundaries and succeeding in managing a parent with harmful opinions/commentary. Gives me hope that I will be able to as well.

Nice to meet you as well, and thank you 😊