Hide away

[Kyle1]

When I do venture out of the house I often manage to find something modestly pleasant along the way. It may be a rose bush... Or someone wearing a beautiful hat... A smiling face and friendly chat about their dog...

By far the hardest thing is the increasing fight against decreasing motivation to even get out the door.

Like this morning. Church is happening, and I typically enjoy to be part of it. Yet I'm lolling like it's a doona day and wishing for oblivion. My esteem is a crash site. My pity a litter dump. I don't want to become an imposter, smiling hello when my feelings are so dank. It's like I'd be lying. And I'm past letting my true sadness show, aswell, because I don't want to bring down the room with gloom and madness. And so I'm beginning to isolate, and that is like a venom, too...

[Gillie1]

I'm struggling ATM with anxiety about leaving the house or feeling safe with anyone. But it is also the fact that I'm feeling so bad I don't want to inflict that on anyone else. 

I don't have the energy to be fake happy. I also know that being around the right people can change the space I exist in. 

It's a toss up to work out are these the right people?

Am I in the right state to be open to them changing my space?

And lastly is it fair to impose on them with the hope that my experience will get better around them?

Every time I interact with anyone I need to ask these questions of myself. Only you know what is right for right now. Sometimes a doona day is what is needed and that is OK too.

[Kyle1]

@Gillie1  yes, you're right. 

A doona day is acceptable, to be sure. yet there is inherently a worsening cycle that lingers those lands, aswell. I think we both are aware of that. Hence, the angst of accepting and feeding the isolating behaviour.

At the same time, there is the genuine urge to 'do me', and sometimes that is hibernating...

Biggest problem is the realisation that ones life has become so out of touch that those choices are no longer our own! 

[Gillie1]

Yes, a Doona day is acceptable a doona week or even 3 or more days in a row is unhealthy and feeds the isolation.

It is really hard for me to give myself permission to really engage in a doona day though. It can become an extra source of negative self-talk and self-criticism. If I do a doona day I try to approach it as part of my self-healing and engage in it. Giving myself complete permission to take a break when needed can recharge me enough to get up and try again. But it is really difficult for me.

For a long time, I waited till I completely crashed, when it was out of my control before giving myself what was needed and felt like a failure. But I have been discovering that if I give myself permission when needed I often gain the energy to get bored or restless and want to get up and going again.

Only you know where you are in your journey. What feels right for YOU today, What can you put in place to step out of that space when ready?

Taking control of my recovery means taking control of my doona days as well. Giving myself real permission is empowering and it's a choice that helps me make the next choice to get up and going again as well.

I hope whatever you choose today you are able to do it from a place of choice, it makes all the difference.

[Kyle1]

quite right. I am choosing to get my butt out of bed and leave the house today. 

I've a mission to share with @Sirine something from 'out there'

Thank you  @Gillie1 🙏

[Gillie1]

Good stuff!

[Kyle1]

@Gillie1 

what about you, gillie? What's happening with you today?

[Gillie1]

I'm taking a day off study today. I have a support worker coming over to help me get out. I think I'd easily be a total recluse ATM without them but I'm scared of them at the same time so it's good but stressful at the same time. 

I have one friend I'm really comfortable with so might go there afterwards. I've had 3 days inside so I know I need to get out as well.

I'll see how the day goes never know till I get into it. I'm up and down like a yoyo these days. 

[tyme]

Hi @Gillie1 @Kyle1  🙂

[Kyle1]

Oh, yes. I get that, too. @Gillie1 

It sounds like a backhanded compliment, but you may be very fortunate to have a support worker come get you up and about... I've felt I could use someone like that these days.

I hope you find something remarkable.

What do you study?