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[The-red-centaur]

I am so distressed....nothing makes sense anymore 

[The-red-centaur]

I'm scared

Make it stoppppp

[RiverSeal]

Hey @The-red-centaur, sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. What has worked for you in the past when you have felt like this? RiverSeal 

[The-red-centaur]

😞

[The-red-centaur]

What's the point anymore. 

I'm done. 

[tyme]

Hey @The-red-centaur 

I'm so sorry it feels this way. I'm hearing how hard things are for you right now.

Are you able to speak to your support worker at the moment?

Alternatively, you may want to chat to Lifeline on 13 11 14. They may not be able to 'fix' things, but at least they can lend a listening ear.

If you feel unsafe at any time, please contact 000.

[BossBaby]

Hi @The-red-centaur I hope you've got support around you today. You got to this precarious point at the beginning of this month and I wonder if there's a cyclic pattern to this that you could predict and prepare for? Also I wonder what kind of information you're able to get to shed more light on your chronic pain? The other night I had a dream where someone gave me a surname during a conversation about trauma and language and I woke up and looked online and found a scholarly article that expressed exactly what I'd been trying to explain to the guy in my dream. In one passage, the authors wrote: “The underlying question is to what extent healing through understanding and integration is possible, or rather whether it is about how the non-understandable can be borne.” So in terms of your chronic pain, to what extent can you integrate or heal the pain or if not, how to bear it long-term?

[The-red-centaur]

@BossBaby @tyme 

I had to take some time off the forums and focus on myself. I'm sorry I didn't end up replying and left in a bad state with no explanation.  

I ended up in hospital on forms so I decided I should just focus on my offline life and come back when things were improving. I'm not sure how helpful my way of venting was. 

I'm doing a little better ATM. I'm refocussing on my business and have an upcoming market this weekend. I'm a little more stable than I have been in a long time and haven't self harmed in about 3 weeks. 

Something my psychiatrist said to me really sturck me last week. It was triggering in a good way. He said a few harsh thing to me, and at the end of the session he said I bet you'll be in ED suicidal in a few hours. It hit coz do people think that low of me.

I saw someone else's thread here about being a leading borderline. And yeh that's me. I am in ED weekly for SH or other things. It used to be worse than i am currently but I get it. All the staff in ED know me by name. 

I have to figure out how to turn things around. I don't want this shit anymore. I don't want to be defined by my scars, or by hospital visits, or by how many times I have been the psych ward. 

I need to learn regulation without taking it out on myself. My psychologist says we have to take it to the next level. Something I've never been able to do coz I'm always in too many crisis. And that reality hits hard. It's like my life is just one big fking crisis. 

I'm sorry when I have brought you all into that. I don't know how I'm going to change all this. I guess it's each moment and each day at a time. And suddenly it's a few weeks past and then we can go from there. 

[The-red-centaur]

@BossBaby in terms of my chronic pain. I have a few disabilities and chronic health issues which main symptoms are pain. I think they are also why I am so tired all the time. 

[tyme]

Hey @The-red-centaur 

I can relate to the triggering but needed reality check.

For me, it was "You  need to be sick of being sick". This was the turnaround.

I needed to stop going to ED. I needed to 'get over myself' and start to make changes. I couldn't blame others for my condition. I had to do the work. 

This was the reality check I needed to start my turnaround. We are all different, but it's important we find what helps us turnaround.

All the best in this journry.