Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@Jynx making a living is so hard in Australia. I'm lucky I am still with family, I can't afford living alone.

Maybe the last psych wasn't the right fit, that is why 10 sessions felt inadequate. I think it was a personality thing too. My last psych had training in trauma and ND. It is true though the current one has worked with CASA before too, maybe I need specialised SA therapy. I think I am pretty anxious about telling her about SA, it always makes my heart race to tell a new support

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah goes to show even with the right training there still needs to be a connection and a good quality to the therapeutic relationship!

Aye it would be very nerve-wracking! Do you take notes? I take dot points whenever my brain is too frazzled to remember everything 😅

[creative_writer]

@Jynx therapeutic alliance is key. So is feeling heard and understood. I also don’t like feeling judged either. Ultimately everyone has biases, but sometimes those biases can surface because we are all human. Observing therapists has taught me a lot, including observing my own therapists. I want to be a therapist myself one day too.

This may sound weird, I may be guilty of analysing my therapists, I analyse their words, their facial expression and body language. Somewhere down the track I must I taught myself to read people, I used to struggle as a kid. I had to learn to read people to protect myself.

I may need to take dot points, my mind is guilty of feeling frazzled and I lose my words. I dread the moments where I forget and stumble on my words because I’m too anxious

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I think remembering that - that we're all human - also helps me. I think society has told us therapists are experts and it's easy to forget they can make mistakes too, that they're not mind readers.

Doesn't sound weird at all, pretty sure that's a common experience for folks with trauma - a kind of hypervigilance. It tends to get me into trouble when I find myself hyper-focused on analysing someone's expressions (when I'm feeling insecure anyway) and no longer just being present with them. Especially when my brain then makes assumptions about their expressions; it's how my system seeks information about whether I have caused them pain. But then.... "Hey obviously you're mad at me so let me do these 500 things to make it up to you"; Them: "Uhhh I'm not mad at you and I don't want 500... things... oh... you got them already... Now I have to reassure you that I'm NOT mad AND I have to deal with all of this..." 😅 oopsie

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I have never met a perfect therapists since they don’t exist. But I connected better with certain therapists. I feel like a lot of it comes down to therapeutic alliance, and whether we click. You connect better to certain people than others, it’s human. Maybe it comes down to human chemistry and similarities in personalities.

It is a form of hyperviligance. Maybe on a subconscious level a person may worry about feeling judged because a therapist said something judgemental in the past. You might not recognise it straight away, but a therapist may have let a judgement slip, because they are humans and have opinions, but it can fracture the therapeutic alliance. It can make clients wonder whether judgements will seep in the future. I’ll give you an example. After my close suicide attempt my psych asked me whether I thought about the ramifications of my actions on other people as many people end up in therapy because a family member dies from suicide. She also spoke about how suicide also changes a therapist. It kind of gave me the impression she thought I was selfish for considering suicide. I honestly thought people were better off without me. I’m in a better place now and I’m not suicidal, but it is hard remembering that I didn’t get the support I needed then

[Jynx]

Got a bit hectic @creative_writer but wanted to send some hugs!! I will respond properly next time 💜 Night hun!