Don’t want to accept the pain

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah it's interesting stuff - like is it just genetics or is it intergenerational trauma? So fascinating hey!! If you know any cool or new stuff about it feel free to infodump to me about it 😋

I gotta dash but catch you next time hun, good to catch up!! 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx a lot of people with ADHD have trauma. Trauma would probably make it worse. I also feel like we also mirror behaviours of our families. I suspect my mum is ND, possibly my dad too. My siblings definitely have traits too.

Maybe it’s social anxiety. I’m scared of the new psych not liking me and I keep worrying about whether she is a good fit. I guess past experiences probably play a role in this. I know you can’t really know until you’ve gone into the session. I’m also scared of talking about things, I’ll need to talk about it to some extent. I’m also realising I’m scared to sit with my body flashbacks, hence why I tend to disconnect from my body so much. If I disconnect from the body, I don’t feel anxious about experiencing them. I’m having one right now, my brain is having the urge to ignore and deny it

[creative_writer]

When people ask you how you are doing, you say you are doing well because that is what you are supposed to say. Sometimes you even forget that you're not doing well in the moment. Saying you're doing well becomes such a automatic response. Then it sinks in, and I realise I'm living in a nightmare. My mind tries so hard to disconnect from my body because it doesn't want feel the torture all over again. Reliving the torture brings up some many difficult emotions like shame, disgust and grief. I cannot even begin to describe how difficult it is because there are no words to adequately capture the pain. Body flashbacks have been savage lately

[Ru-bee]

I'm sorry to hear things have been so intense lately @creative_writer 

It is odd how we have those knee-jerk responses of things that we feel we're meant to say when others ask how we are, it's interesting that you've noticed that sometimes it can be so automatic that even you don't realise

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee not sure what I can but ride it. I don't have control over the body flashbacks.

I think a lot of us have automatic responses. It's often determined by societal expectations. It's more socially acceptable to say you're doing well than it is to admit you're struggling

[Ru-bee]

In a way I guess in a lot of situations even asking "how are you?" is an automatic question too @creative_writer Like when you're getting your coffee from a cafe and the barista asks how you are but they'd be pretty shocked if you responded with "actually I'm not good today, I'm having a pretty awful time" 

[creative_writer]

@Ru-bee that is true. Small talk can become so automatic. Even masking emotions after some time can become automatic. I found getting attuned with my own body difficult but it’s so important when going into the social work profession. I find if I pay too much attention to my body, I feel discomfort. Body scans are especially triggering

[creative_writer]

I zoned out on the bus back. I’m having iffy flashbacks, can’t say what. Maybe I’m too disassociated. I feel distant

[creative_writer]

Are the forums up again?

[Jynx]

Think so @creative_writer!!