Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@RiverSeal migraines are awful, I had to fit dinner in even though I didn’t feel hungry. Nausea doesn’t make food appetising either. I know I feel worse if I don’t eat.

I was emotionally invalidated when I was growing up. Reaching out for support got internalised as weakness. I hate crying in front of people too. I may also hesitate to reach out for support because I’m afraid of being hurt for being too vulnerable. I became hyper independent as a result of trauma.

I know complex trauma often requires more long term work, same with bipolar. I guess I’ve had moments where I felt frustrated for progressing so slowly. I guess we do all progress at our own pace

[creative_writer]

Is it common to grieve loss of innocence, loss of what could’ve been. At the same time I realise I wouldn’t be me without everything I’ve been through. So it’s confusing, on some level I feel grateful that I am able to connect with people on a deeper level, I do want to be a therapist and make a difference. At the same time grieve everything I’ve lost. I had to pay a big price to feel for victim survivors. I lost my peace of mind, I lost my first. It’s hard not to feel heartbroken. They’ll never be enough tears to shed for the pain. I am torn between accepting what has happened and wanting to rewrite history

[creative_writer]

I feel broken

[creative_writer]

When will the flashbacks stop?

[creative_writer]

How am I supposed to reconcile “the pain has made me who I am today, I’ve grown a lot from it as a person” and “I’ve had my innocence stolen from me”. I know everything happens for a reason, and I know there is purpose in my pain. But at the same time, my innocence has been stolen from me, there is no way of getting it back. It’s gone forever 😢. I could cry all the tears, it won’t change anything. I’m having a flashback right now and I’m trying hard to not cry

[tyme]

Hugs @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme maybe I need a good cry, it’s been a rough few days. I finally got the PRN to settle the agitation. Feeling pretty low still, maybe the agitation + migraine has exhausted me. I think my brain is trying to make sense of things.

I do acknowledge I wouldn’t be me without my experiences. I may not be as empathetic if I did not struggle with mental health. I can use that empathy in my career. However, it has been a painful road, and I’ve had a lot of growing pains along the way

[creative_writer]

When the agitation comes back and your head feels heavy. Bipolar can be beast

[creative_writer]

The agitation is a bit better, still feel so flat out. I have to take today easy, migraines have been awful to me lately 😞. High energy mood states are bad for migraines

[rav3n]

gentle hugs to you @creative_writer 💜