Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@tyme my thoughts are racing and I have a lot of nervous energy, and suicide is crossing my mind (no intent for now, but thinking of ways). Maybe I have depressive and manic symptoms simultaneously. I don’t know why this keeps happening. I took PRN not that many days ago

[tyme]

I think I shared with you that suicidal ideation is chronic for me? @creative_writer 

I've just learnt to better manage the thoughts.

[creative_writer]

@tyme you did mention. Things can certainly get easier to manage with time.

My suicidal ideation is a temporary thing for me, it’ll pass. I have plenty of days when I don’t want to end it. It used to be more chronic, especially when I first joined the forums. I’m at my worst right now. My worst when I joined the forums was more intense than my worst right now. I get ideation, but I know I won’t act on it. Maybe I utilise PRN before things escalate to the danger zone and have learnt to cope to some extent

[tyme]

I don't think it's just time that helps the SI ease. It takes active work. I didn't realise what hard effort recovery was until I had to do it @creative_writer !

[creative_writer]

@tyme maybe it does take a lot of hard work. I never really saw it that way. I minimise any efforts I make. I know I have partially recovered, but I still have a very long way to go. I’m still not living life to the fullest. Maybe it’s repressed and suppressed emotions

[creative_writer]

I feel incredibly restless, heart is racing, head feels heavy and feeling nauseous. I fear bipolar is feeding my trauma and OCD. I just took PRN. I wish I knew how to manage my thoughts, but I don’t think I’m there yet in my journey. Maybe I need something like IFS therapy (my new psych uses it) to resolve my conflicting beliefs about myself. It’s so difficult feeling a push and pull. Like I can challenge my thoughts, but I end up feeling confused and lost

[creative_writer]

I had a rough day today, got through SI. I wasn’t too far from acting on impulses but I couldn’t do it in the end. My mind has been so confused, I keep getting conflicting thoughts. I get thoughts like “it was my fault SA happened” and “I am less worthy and sinful because of it”. I also get thoughts like “I am not blameworthy”, and “going through a difficult patch has helped me grow as a person and has made me more worthy”. Having conflicting thoughts and beliefs is so exhausting

[RiverSeal]

Hey @creative_writer sorry to hear you had these feelings today. Stay strong and connected on the Forums and reach out if you need anything. Sitting with you this afternoon. Take care RiverSeal 

[creative_writer]

@RiverSeal the emotions have taken so much of me, my head feels heavy. High intensity emotions are the worst for migraines, whether it’s on the negative or positive spectrum. I had lots of racing thoughts, it was suffocating. My mind has slowed down, so I feel calmer. I’m still hurting, but I don’t feel the urge to push myself into the danger zone.

Maybe there is so much that’s below the surface, I wonder if that is also exacerbating bipolar. I know it’s going to require lots of work, I feel very overwhelmed just thinking about it. I know things won’t change overnight, but I feel like I’ve been stuck for so long. I hate admitting that I need help and I’m disappointed in myself for how I’ve managed things. I’ve already been in therapy for so long, and yet I’m still struggling. I do see a new psych next week, maybe that will help. I do think I may need to somewhere change my view of seeing “reaching out for support” as weakness

[RiverSeal]

My mum has always had migraines @creative_writer so I grew up seeing how they impact her, and I'm sorry to hear you are having them as well. 

I don't see reaching out for support as a weakness and it is actually a really brave and strong thing to do. I have 4 mental health support and I see two weekly, one every 4 weeks or so and one I now have on call for when I need them but don't catch up regulary. I have been working with psychologists since 2007 and it has been a growth period but very slowly. I'm curious why do you think it's a weakness when your support is trying to help you work through what's going on for you? 

Love to hear more about this ❤️

RiverSeal