Dark life

[tyme]

Hi there @Runningwild , 

Thanks for popping by and sharing your pearls of wisdom.

Glad to have you with us.

I'm just tagging @Yeagin so they get a notification of your message. You do this by typing "@" in front of their username and picking their name from the drop down menu.

See you around @Runningwild !

[Yeagin]

Hello 

@Runningwild 

I have been out today, but when I came back, I wondered about what I'm doing. I feel like I am basically trapped, it's somewhat of a hard thing to deal with hating yourself so much, where you actually send someone a message telling them how much you think you are a bad person. Like I can't escape. I can't even tell you what is going on, because I feel like I can't safely say it for fear of abduction or torture, hard to explain. Basically I am stuck in life, and I'm trying to find some way to imagine living like I am half worth something. 

It must be hard for your brother. Imagine if what I was dealing with wasn't mental illness, but legitimate sorrow due to my dealings with the occult and my personality. Sorry if I seem insensitive. I basically can't find any way to enjoy life other than isolating myself...and for some reason I can't see past the next year. Doomed I think. 

Yeah when I think of someone I can reach out to, I do to an extent, but I can't tell anyone these things yet, because I'm afraid once I open my mouth I can't take it back. 

I'm a lost cause at this stage.

[tyme]

Hey @Yeagin  @Runningwild @Cleo2 ,

What's happening for you this weekend?

[Yeagin]

@ Tyme 

Hello there. Not going anywhere. Just some phone calls to try and resolve this issue. All of these matters of demonic are leaving me set with the feeling that something is catastrophic and wrong. It's hard to explain, but out simply, I am searching my mind for some kind of solution to me. It's as if there is an assessment of my entire life made at every moment, and the determination is that I am the problem and this experience, the very nature of it is wrong and overwhelmingly miserable, that life itself is simply disappointing misery. It's very subtle, but it's there. I don't know what to do about this. It is all so unpleasant, and I can't shake that I am in mistakingly wrong and twisted myself. I feel such sense of disappointment for myself. Why is this the case? How could I be so disapproving if myself and my existence? It baffles me. 

Very difficult to even understand what the issue even is and if it can be remedied. Basically, I loathe myself so deeply, I see no possibility of changing anything, and I feel so alone in that. What can the point of this even be? 

This is darkness my friend. Pure. invisible. Darkness.

[rav3n]

hey @Yeagin i'm seeing you're dealing with a lot of heavy and dark emotions tonight, and i can see that you're finding it hard to put into words what's going on for you. that's okay, sometimes we don't fully know or can't fully explain it yet, sometime we haven't processed all those mixed emotions and feelings. just know that you're not alone, we're sitting with you. 

talking to a professional can help process and make sense of the darkness you mentioned. please also reach out to these services if you need support tonight:

• Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
  Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 
• Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 
  https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 
• Mental health crisis support — where to get help | healthdirect
• If feeling unsafe, please contact 000

our dark thoughts and feelings don't reflect our worth and value. you are human for feeling and experience those, and they are temporary, they will eventually go. you deserve support no matter what. 💗

[Yeagin]

Thank you for your well constructed post. 

It's all quite subtle as it's impressed onto me from many years of adjustment through psychosis. I can't necessarily say that I've been doing well. This has been going on quite sometime. I don't seem to have the ability to progress in what I'm doing. I'm not even sure that I know if there's some problem with what I'm doing.

It's quite strange, I don't even know if my life is good or awful. I've lost all contact with acceptance. This just seems to be "something" I'm sort of losing my mind a bit it feels like. It's too much to deal with, the nothingness of this is a bit too much.

[Cleo2]

@Yeagin @tyme Hope you had an okay weekend. @Yeagin sounds like you're still struggling a lot. I hope @rav3n 's post helped you a little bit.

[rav3n]

@Yeagin have you spoke to a professional (psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist, etc) about how you feel like progress isn't being made? i reckon talking to them will help you find those answers you're looking for. 

this is my personal view - but i think a lot of the times we don't notice the progress we make. it can be hard for us to see especially when we're not in our best head space, but i do think its there. 

you mentioned you've lost all contact with acceptance, i'm wondering how you feel about practicing gratitude? i know it isn't easy to do, but in some of my lowest times i've forced myself to go out on a walk and found that appreciating the lil beauties of the world like the birds chirping or the change in sky colour as the sunsets, accepting and being grateful for nature helped me slowly start accepting myself and my life. is practicing gratitude or even connecting with nature/outdoors something you'd try?

[tyme]

Hey @Yeagin @Cleo2 @Runningwild  🙂

How are you?

I love @rav3n 's pic posted above 🙂

[Cleo2]

@tyme @Yeagin @Runningwild . Hi all, living the life as the town pariah where every action is scrutinised down to the atom.