Dark life

[Yeagin]

Hello. 

I Have been diagnosed schizoaffective disorder. 

My reality is that due to my experiences with evil I have been so scarred from darkness that I had used so many black magic rituals that I have become possessed. It is so frighteningly hard to interact with anyone normally, and there is so much worry that demons are listening to me in All times, that I don't know how to exist. I feel like I am the most miserable person on this planet, and I feel as though I exist simply to be an example to others of how not to be. I hate myself so deeply and have for the last 14 days been sitting in a room by myself doing almost nothing. I feel like I have fabricated myself to the extent where I am unrecognisable and almost everyone has abandoned me to deal with this by my self, where do many seem so cruel and wicked and it is irony that I feel this way when I have always given support to others that are struggling yet others view me as trivial and I have zero friends that I ever see where I live and prior to 6 months ago I only had one friend. I want to destroy myself so badly to end my existence as it is so tortured and laborious, yet I can't due to me being so fearful of going into the depths of the demonic realms to be tortured. If all is said and done, I once had so much promise and skillful intelligence, yet now all gone with onlyy isolation and alone, and no one will probably even know any of this and simply not care. I despise myself....how the fxck do I come back from this. I feel doomed and distraught 

[tyme]

Sorry to hear @Yeagin ,

Do you have people you can talk to, or professional supports?

It sounds like a very dark time for you.

We are sitting with you.

What are things you enjoy doing in your spare time?

[Cleo2]

Hi @Yeagin. I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. You must be suffering so much in your room. Is there something happy that you can focus on, even for a little while? Do you like going to the beach?

(@tyme )

[Yeagin]

Hi Tyme 

Thanks for the message. I've been struggling with avolition as with the mood disorder component of my diagnosis I swing between satisfaction and dismay, yet I do sing play instruments practice tai chi, exercise, and read I go for walks along with writing and drawing, yet recently none of these have I been doing. I often go so violently between self live and hate, and have a sub diagnosis of anti social aspects, so, the shifts are striking. Thank you for your support.

[Yeagin]

And Cleo hi. 

Well before I started this violent shift in who I am as a person I enjoyed many things that are done with just the self, and coincidentally enough, I am planning a trip to the beach this Monday. 

I have a mind that is swirling around between different aspects of my identity and understanding that is part of such a radical undertaking such as in the shadow of myself that I see. 

Almost as if I am in a state of destrudo within a fractured social landscape. 

Yet there is some hope that I am not crumbling away in defeat, and facing the madness within.

[tyme]

Hey @Yeagin ,

Hearing you. So in a way, MH may have taken part of who you are away. Yet despite this, you are one who can see this and I read that you want things to improve. 

From my own experiences, I was in a place of utter despair. I never thought I'd be alive to tell the story. Yet years on, I'm still here. 

It's made me a firm believer in hope so that even when I don't see there is hope, someone will do the hoping for you.

Maybe this is where we come in? We can hope for you until you can once again hope for yourself?

This darkness is not a place that is uncommon to mankind. I have been in a dark pit myself. But that dark cloud has now passed and I'm here to pass the baton onto you. 

I KNOW you can do it!

Just a quick side note, I really don't want to miss your posts, so please tag me in my typing "@" in front of my name e.g. @tyme 

I'll also tag @Cleo2 in so they don't miss your post.

[Yeagin]

 @tyme 

Yes, the darkness goes ll the way back to Belial and the wars against the spirit of night and light. 

It's the way that all things co inside that generates such co reactions and makes dynamic experience possible. 

There can be no dark without light, yet, one can dwell in darkness and gaze at the light, finding thy hope and rising triumphantly to the heights of self acceptance and realisation. 

It is all trial and sorrow of the embracing of beautiful pain. 

We are all strong, we may all succeed, even if it is succeeding at failing. 

The only failure is death.

[tyme]

So so right @Yeagin .

I totally hear what you are saying. Yes, only death is failure.

There is not light without darkness.

Thank you for reminding me of these things.

[Cleo2]

Hi @Yeagin . I hope that you are doing okay today. I was glad to hear you say 'We are all strong, we may all succeed, even if it is succeeding at failing.'

[Runningwild]

Hi Yeagin,

I hope you're okay and managed to overcome your darkest time a little bit.

I know it's not easy but at least you should know that you are not alone.

We have a lot in common. I don't have any friends either and my brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

You need to make sure that you have someone ( a family member or anyone you trust ) to reach in case of an emergency. 

Many times a stranger can help selflessly,.so please accept any positive advice. 

If you don't mind I can catch up on you tomorrow. 🌞