Tips for accepting something that just feels so wrong to me?

[Jlol]

Hi all, I'm after some tips. 

I had a bit of an 'argument' with my therapist yesterday. Without going into details, she fundamentally said I was way to stubborn to just accept the world the way it is. She's probably right.

I don't want to go into details about the things that make me feel that way because I want this thread to be about adjusting my broader way of thinking, not about the individual issues. But I just have trouble accepting the idea that I have to live and base my existence around something that makes me both mentally and physically ill.

I struggle with things like gratitude because, well, to me it feels like a consolation prize and even a method employed by 'the-powers-that-be' to keep us downtrodden. It's a crude analogy, but gratitude for me is like someone, say, who works at a dangerous construction job with no occupational health and safety measures and who sees workmates being injured and killed, but is being told by the boss to be 'grateful' they have a job at all.

I also struggle with 'acceptance'. I feel "how can I just lay down and accept something without a fight"? To use another analogy it's like accepting being bullied everyday without being able to seek help or a way to avoid it. I can't just shrug my shoulders and say "I'll accept my life is worse off than it should be because of this factor". Again, I kind of feel this is mindset is propagated by those with power to keep us in place and dissuade us from affecting any change.

Using more analogies, therapists and the like saying "Accept that the bullying is part of life and you can't do anything about it, accept that your job can hurt you even though it's easily preventable, and just shut up and be grateful you have a job at all" just doesn't sit right with me (I know they're not literally saying anything like that, but you hopefully get my point).

Again with the talk of enjoying the "little things". I feel the good little things do not make up for the bad big things. Adding to this imaginary construction person: "Accept that the bullying is part of life and you can't do anything about it, accept that your job can hurt you even though it's easily preventable, and just shut up and be grateful you have a job at all, and why aren't you trying to 'enjoy the little things' like your 2 minute coffee break?"

Lastly, I struggle with "choice". Sure we have choice. Over minor things inconsequential things. "Accept that the bullying is part of life and you can't do anything about it, accept that your job can hurt you even though it's easily preventable, and just shut up and be grateful you have a job at all, and why aren't you trying to 'enjoy the little things' like your 2 minute coffee break? You don't like this? Well you have a choice: There's another construction job with the same conditions down the road. Why don't you go and choose them?".

But, here I am. Many years down the track from where these thoughts first started coming up and getting none the better. I guess, as my therapist inferred, I have to accept that this is the way it is. But, without using gratitude and acceptance (sorry, just can't bring myself to believe in them), how?

Any input is greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

[MJG017]

Hi @Jlol.  I feel like i can feel that same frustration.  I've been told many times about being grateful and enjoying the little things.  I see the point of that and can also see the benefits, but it doesn't erase or diminish the things we have to deal with in life.  Some of the are terrible and so difficult that it just seems to be that only answer people have.  As an adoptee, I can safely say most of us are so used to hear we should be grateful that we were adopted, but most of us see it as a sign that people have no idea of the issues that most of us struggle with through our lives because of it.  So it feels like "Well, I don't understand what you're going through so be grateful and look an the bright side."  At best, it's dismissive.

Yes, bullying, sadly, is a part of life but that doesn't mean we should accept it.  How many things in society we 'accepted' as the way things are until someone stood up against it?!  Almost every social revolution or major change has been brought about by someone saying "this is not good enough!".  I'm not saying we all need to go out there with our pitchforks and change society, but placing our own boundaries on what behaviours we wont accept from others just shows strength and empowerment and that we care about our own well-being.  To tell someone they shouldn't do that is, like I said, dismissive of their feelings and/or a complete lack of understanding and empathy.

Obviously sometimes there are things we just have to accept, especially things outside of our control. If we have a boss who is behaving in a way that we dont like, and there's no backup from staff/HR etc, then it does become a choice of deal with it or leave.  It's not a matter of just accepting things though, it's just saying that you are willing to deal with something for the money you get paid and the hassle of changing jobs.  It's a personal choice, not an endorsement.

For me, I have found it makes things easier to accept there are things I can and cant change.  If I cant change something, or someone, then I distance myself if I can.  So if someone doesn't respect my boundaries, then that is fine, but sorry... you're not much help to me and I will find someone who is.  Who says you have to believe the way that this therapist says you should?!  It's just advice, so take it or leave it.  It's hard enough dealing with everything life hands us without adding the stress of how people thing we should feel on top.  You are the one who has experienced your life, who has dealt with your own struggles and pain.  Only you know how to best deal with it all.  Advice can always be helpful, but so is knowing what advice is helpful and what isn't.  It sounds like some people seem to struggle to see the difference in acceptance and apathy sometimes.

[Macey]

Hi @Jlol and yes 'toxic positivity' is like some kerosene mouthwash 🤮

I'm thinking of pests too who like eet to eat my beloved potted tomatoe leaves 🍅 and I think I can address these as problematic once I accept what they are and why they come? And that my plants are otherwise good and growing at all, for this I can be grateful and then can deal with situation as a whole. 

See? 

[Balkey]

Hi @Jlol .

I can relate to your comments. I also struggle with acceptance and choice. I often question why I should accept being treated like a second rate individual in my workplace and when others say well it is your choice to stay at that work place. I find myself asking is it really my choice to accept the way I am being treated? People like to talk and use the terminology “as reasonably accepted” well I am sorry, I am a reasonable person ( I like to think I am) and the treatment I am facing is unacceptable to me. I don’t actually have a choice in where I work, sure I could quit and face financial hardship and put my family at risk by becoming homeless. While that is technically a choice it isn’t really a choice is it? Not one a reasonable person would make. So does that mean I have to accept the way I am being treated, heck no! I don’t accept it, I tolerate it for the benefit of my family. Some days I come home and bash my punching bag until I can barely move my arms, others I come home and rant excessively to my dog. My therapist says neither of these are long term solutions but my therapist still hasn’t found an acceptable alternative that I can choose. So my tip would be to find something that won’t harm yourself or those you care about but gives you the ability to completely get out of your own head for a while (then you can do all the mindful goal oriented things the therapists all say reasonable people do) .

I wish you the best of luck

[SmilingGecko]

@Jlol Acceptance therapy is a new trendy psychological treatment which has been around for a while. It gets people to "accept their plight". Its just a way therapists are grabbing at straws to get their clients to be at peace with themselves when their situation is causing them distress. Its about localizing the approach upon the individual affected and not their environment.

Einstein once said in order to fix a problem you need a solution that is higher in consciousness than the people and circumstances that created it. I learnt that nothing coming from my psychologists fixed anything. I'm sorry you have been going through all of this but I tend to see these trending approaches as tinkering with peoples lives and not really changing anything other than laying responsibility squarely with the individual to fix intolerable situations which they are forced to bear.

I don't buy into these therapies, but that is just my opinion, it may benefit some people but I think a healthy dose of skepticism about authority is key. Tell your therapist they have just lost a client and how they are going to have to accept a reality that they are seen as being heartless, mercenary and genuinely disinterested in their clients wellbeing, bringing both their credibility and professionalism into question. 

[Jlol]

Couldn't have said it better myself @SmilingGecko 

I often wonder if, as a society, therapy is causing us more damage than we are aware. Like, in previous generations, if say work conditions made you distressed you might organise a strike to affect positive change. If economic or political conditions made you stressed and unhappy you might join or organise a protest.

Now days I feel that if something is making you stressed an unhappy we label it as depression or anxiety and tell the person to go see a doctor or shrink. In other words, we tell the individual they are sick or broken. That they're the odd one out that needs to adjust, not broader external political, social, or economical factors. I worry that any movement to affect change (strikes, protests, boycotts, etc) is now stifled by this sentiment.

I mean, I often wonder why over the past few years there has been no significant protests over the cost of living and housing crises.

[SmilingGecko]

Hey @Jlol I think people have really been taking a pounding in recent years. It really has an effect on the health and outlook of a person doesn't it? I have had to find myself using remedial measures to cope. When I studied community development which focuses on empowering the individual they used to coin a term "apathy" for why we don't see people marching the streets to complain about social issues you mentioned. A lot of protest is now being quelled by governments as you know. I think its been very serious things emerging in our lives socially however, that nobody was truly prepared for. I think life just got harder and people were just looking for convenient scapegoats to deal with the malaise affecting their own lives. I think unfortunately some people think a lot of anxieties about the state of the world can be conveniently dealt with by abusing people. I think its always been the way particularly with it being directed at minorities but now more than ever we are seeing abuse on phonelines, with bus drivers, in ED departments, schoolrooms and toxic workplaces to name a few. Its sad the world is getting like this but that is some of the things I've noticed. 

[Sophia1]

Hello a quick reply as have been away and easing back.

@Jlol 

My thoughts are, gratitude is something that a person feels naturally not when they are told to feel that way.

Acceptance again comes when a person wants to accept, not is told to.

Accept bullying!  For me.  Never.  I don't care if I am the last person standing, I will never accept bullying.

Keep on being you and listening to your own intuition.

Have all these people not heard of the expression "agree to disagree?"

take care

Sophia

ps if my above response does not relate to what you said, please ignore. I do get things wrong at times.

[Jlol]

I agree again @SmilingGecko. 

I feel there is almost a powder keg situation at times and that it will blow out at some scapegoat. It's so disheartening that the government(s) don't seem to be aware of this.

I feel that the country is dying. I'm almost 40 now and should have had at least one child by now, but I've given up on that idea - it's just too expensive and stressful. I'm not the only one. Of my work peers that are my age only about 20% have children. Same with the people I went to school with. And my partner's peer group.

The government(s) doesn't seem to care that conditions are so bad that their own population is starting to die off. I mean, they care enough to offset that with higher immigration, but that's not really looking into the problem is it?