Never being in a relationship

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme 

I am not saying you have to go away or anything like that, it's just I have done a lot of work on this stuff. I have done reframing before and I do it a lot. I just realising I am at a point where I am absolutely exhausted from doing all this constant internal validating. It's all I have done for years and I have barely received any external validation at all. I wouldn't mind having some right now.

[tyme]

Hey @TheRenegade345,

Good to see you. 

I recognise this is so hard for you, and that you have spent years trying your level best to get to a place where you are satisfied. I hear that and I get it. 

I just feel that sometimes, it's not about trying harder, but trying something different. And when I mean different, I mean different for the moment.

Why I'm saying this is that I tried all sorts of therapy from my late teens all the way to my 30s. Nothing helped. Nothing worked. It was useless. I was doomed to die a lonely death. And in a way, I actually did give up. But the 'system' didn't let me give up. The took me up and really carried me through some of the most difficult years of my life. At this time, I had stopped trying. 

A bit later, I started therapy again. I could have said, "Been there, done that. No point in trying again." But in my story, I got a little spark that made me say, "This is my only hope. If I don't give this a proper go, I'm dead."

And yes, this was when things changed.

So what I'm saying is that it's not just about what you do, but when you do it.

If you are so utterly exhausted, maybe give yourself a break and just focus on doing things you know you have enjoyed in the past?

And later, when you feel more revived, then give the hard stuff another go?

At this point, to me, it sort of sounds like you're running on an empty tank. No wonder you are exhausted.

I promise I care. 

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme 

I do appreciate the help you provide and I know that you care. I can see it.

I guess I am wondering what help can be provided online due to amount of introspection I have done and the work I have put into myself?

I do appreciate the advice, and I do not want to sound dismissive, but I do that everyday. I play video games every day, I play my guitar and write some music most days, I exercise everyday, I am reaching to friends most days, I am watching what I am eating all day. I do things I enjoy everyday and I am absolutely exhausted. I have to validate myself each day every day and have done so for years.

I just want someone, in person, to validate me. Show some interest and want to be with me. Like the dating scene, I am putting in all the effort and for once I just want to see someone put effort in me. I am sick of hearing stories of men who have no capacity for introspection or self improvement have women chase after them and I cant get on a date or get past a first date.

That's where I am stuck and thats where there is no support on this to actively help me overcome this. Thats where we are stuck in the mental health field.

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @TheRenegade345 

This is just a small example, but for me, I'm not a very social person. I'm not a good communicator. I'm socially awkward. 

In using the forums, I feel I have gained clarity in the multitude of thoughts that I've had in the past. Having to type it helps me to be a better communicator. Allows me to practice validating people and reaching out to people. 

Teaches me to show care. Lets me face conflict. Causes me to have to navigate conflict on the forums. 

I am then able to take these skills and apply them into the real world. 

I have changed. I know I have changed. 

It wasn't very long ago that I was on the brink of death. Yet spaces such as this helped me to find my voice and practice the interpersonal skills I struggle with in real life.

It may not seem like it, but socially, I also struggle. 

I don't know why, but I feel there is a lot more in you than first meets the eye. I don't have an answer in terms of the dating scene, but when someone finds the treasures within you, I feel you've got them for life. 

Good things are worth waiting for.

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme 

I appreciate you telling me all that and I would like to think good things are worth waiting for.

I believe that I am someone you need to make an invest me and actually make the effort. A lot of people just dont.

I had a family friend say to me recently that couldn't believe why I was single and that, in her words, "all women are insane these days".

So I dont know what to do, maybe there isn't anything I can do?

[TheRenegade345]

Why is this so hard? I am seriously losing the will to live.

[rav3n]

hey @TheRenegade345 sorry to hear things have been hard. would you like to talk about what's going on for you? 

[TheRenegade345]

@rav3n Its the same stuff, more people I know from school are getting married and here I am who cant get on a first date. Please end my suffering

[rav3n]

@TheRenegade345 hearing someone's getting married, dating, meeting someone new, etc., it's hard not to compare isn't it? 

but where other people are in their lives, their relationships and life events aren't a reflection of your worth. with and without a relationship, you are worthy and deserving of good things. i understand it doesn't make hearing these things easier though, so it's okay to feel your feels. but just know that you ARE worthy while you are single. 

quick question - have you tried self-affirmations before? and if so, what do you think of them?

[TheRenegade345]

@rav3n 

I know, but I am want to be more worthy. I have not felt worthy ever and I am past 30 now. 

I try them everyday, like I said yesterday it gets exhausting doing this for years and years and not getting anywhere where others dont have to put in the effort like that.