Never being in a relationship

[tyme]

Is that really want you want @TheRenegade345 ?

Is it worth giving up all the things you DO have?

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme yes

[tyme]

I'm really sorry to hear this @TheRenegade345 .

Please know you are not alone. As hard as it is to find like-minded people, I'm sure they exist.

I don't want to sound invalidating, but if you want an ear tonight, please call:

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 

Lifeline Text Support 0477 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ 

Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ 

Or if you feel unsafe, please call 000

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme @Jynx 

I am sorry about last night. I am really struggling with this stuff. I honestly hate my life, every night after work I come home exhausted and I have nothing left in the tank. I wanted to cry so many times today, even when I was teaching the year 12s. I just want to bawl my eyes out.

I hate this existence, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy because no one can relate to you. Every but of advice thats give to you, you put in place and nothing changes.

Living is getting harder and I dont see much of a future anymore. Honestly, I can only see one ending to my life right now.

[tyme]

Ooooo  @TheRenegade345 ,

I'm sorry to hear how hard this is.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have a history of depression? (Please don't feel obliged to answer if you don't feel you want to - that's okay). It sounds like you have been in this space for a while now, and it just sounds so so tough.

Please know we are here for you. 

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme 

I have struggled with depression since I was 13 but I was diagnosed when I was 18 (year 12 was incredibly rough).

Every day I have lived since I was 13, my life has been about survival. That's not an exaggeration, nothing in my life gives me true pleasure. I never truly get a break from anything, even my hobbies and interests make me sad sometimes. This is going to sound ridiculous but in one my games, there is a mechanic where you can make your main characters get married and have kids. That legitimately makes me depressed and this is a game I love playing.

I have been diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder so it never goes away. It's always there and means I never truly enjoy anything. Along with my aforementioned problems, life is hell. Again, not an exaggeration.

I am trying to improve my life, I have done everything conceivable and stuff I can realistically do. Nothing has changed. If I say I think I am doomed to die alone then I think based on my life experiences, it is totally justified.

[tyme]

I'm hearing how tough it is @TheRenegade345 .

I was also diagnosed with depression when I was 18, and yes, I also struggled in year 12. I really went off the charts in year 12 because I couldn't cope.

It sounds like you are doing what you can to get out of this deep hole. 

Let's just say that I was in that dark hole for about 15 years. Eventually, long term therapy was what did the trick. I was a real turning point. It was painful, but worth it because back then, I never thought I'd make it past my 25th birthday. Things were that dire.

I hear it sounds like there is no hope. But maybe this is where others do the hoping for you?

[Jynx]

@TheRenegade345 wondering if you've heard the term 'anhedonia' before? It refers to an absence of pleasure whilst doing ordinarily pleasurable things, most frequently related to depression. I'm not sure how helpful it is for you right now but I always find it helpful to have insight and understanding of what might be going on in my inner world, and it always helps to have language to be able to describe our experiences. 

More info here and tips to work on it here. 

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme 

I can emphasise with the feeling of never making it past a certain birthday. I never thought I'd make it to 30 but I did this year despite the fact that this year:

• My grandpa died two days after my birthday this year.
• My cousin died one month before my birthday.
• Two students I know took their lives this year.
• I got diagnosed with ASD/ADHD this year.

I am thinking of stopping dating for now or even talking it about it. It is clearly not helping so its best I put it on the back burner for now. I will try to focus on building my hobbies up again. I am trying to connect with my guitar and music lately. I am unable to write music at the moment (bad case of writers block) but I have decided I will just stick to learning songs. I taught myself how to play Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance today and the other I taught myself When You Were Young by The Killers.

@Jynx 

Thanks for sending that through, I have looked through it and I have already acted on one of the tips by reaching to a friend who I havent seen in a while.

[tyme]

Great stuff @TheRenegade345 ,

It's a lot for anyone to have to manage in a year @TheRenegade345 

I can see you are doing what you can. Good on you for contacting a friend you haven't seen in a while.

Please know you have a community of people here for you.

Each person has their own unique experiences to share.

I hope you find a way forward to achieve your goals.