Never being in a relationship

[Jynx]

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@TheRenegade345 wrote:

I often feel like I am not neurologically wired properly to be in a relationship. I dont know how to navigate the early part of dating because I am shy and introverted and a man. That combination means I will never get acknowledged properly.

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You know, I had a thought - you mentioned before you're neurodiverse; were the women you've been on dates with also neurodiverse? Because if not, that might also be a factor!! 

I'm not at ALL saying that you shouldn't date neurotypicals, or that a relationship with one is impossible; but in some ways, it really is like we speak a different language! So, so often, what seems like a normal question or comment for us, is perceived as rude, blunt, or intrusive to NT's. It has definitely gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. 

Had a thought - how would you feel if I tagged you in the ASD social space? And in particular, I wanted to maybe chat a little about some of these dates you've been on - not to be judgemental, but to maybe get a little more understanding of how they tend to unfold, and whether there's things we can help you understand, alter, or improve upon! 

We can also have the conversation in this thread, or in the Singles Support thread if you'd prefer - or not have the conversation at all; up to you. 

[TheRenegade345]

@Jynx 

We can talk about it here thats okay.

I feel like a lot of them probably were neurotypicals but it's hard to know the difference sometimes. I do tell people before I meet them that I am a bit shy and awkward and can take some time to get to know. I find that can be a good way to filter people because some have answered in weird ways before.

I worry that I would struggle to keep up with it. I'll be honest, keeping up with this space is a lot and it takes a lot of time and energy.This is why I would prefer in person things because it is not as hard.

I think if you were a fly on the wall on my dates, the main thing you would take away would be that it's almost like two friends talking. I have tried to work on my expression so that I seem more engaged. One way I have tried to do that is this, for example, one person said she really liked danishes so when we went on our first date, I got her a danish to show that I had been listening. Another one loved Cadbury chocolate breakaways (they are like Kit Kats) and I got her a small one.

I feel like these gave me some brownie points but they dont always last after this. I am trying to show that I am interested in the best way possible but I am the kind of guy that needs time and that isn't afford to people like me.

[Jynx]

@TheRenegade345 yeah honestly it is really helpful to have those filters hey. These days, I've taken to just being immensely open and honest about my ND brain, I spent far too many years masking and it is exhausting. 

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@TheRenegade345 wrote:

I have tried to work on my expression so that I seem more engaged.

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Apparently NT folks don't have to do this 😵😅 Whenever I do this, I end up focusing so hard on composing my face and making whatever the 'appropriate' level of eye contact is, I often completely miss everything they're actually saying. 

For real though, this is why it is SO HARD autistic folks to find connection with NT folks. A generalisation, sure - but also why I do encourage you to see if you can find some other ND people to connect with. I dunno if you've braved the often toxic wasteland that can be dating apps - but popping right there in your bio that you are seeking out other ND people can also act as a great filter. 

Aww you're really sweet for doing something like that!! Now I want a danish haha... 

Wanna know the messed up thing though? I know of a few NT folks who would see something like that not as a kind gesture, but as 'trying too hard' or 'pandering'. I dunno I've just seemed to find that dating in the NT world has a million unspoken rules, and I don't know any of them. Like double texting!! I always get heaps excited and I like sending lots of texts - but someone once told me "No you never double text! Then they'll think you're desperate!' And I was like... but I am desperate? Oh but apparently I have to pretend I'm not? Okay, cool, now I'm panicking.... 

I promise you though, there are definitely women out there who love shy guys, who don't follow all those weird rules, and who would find such a gesture to be very sweet and charming. Dunno where they're all hiding but they're out there!! 

[TheRenegade345]

@Jynx 

I think that NT people need to stop creating all these arbitrary rules and expectations in which no one can realistically keep up with. That's what I find so hard these days so I tend to be more up front with my expectations because its the only way to filter out others.

I am only on the dating apps, I dont have any other way of meeting others.

I hope so but I have no idea where they are. This is why I get so defeated and feel so upset about this. because I am trying new things, I am trying to improve on myself, I am reflecting on what went well and what didn't. I am doing all these things and nothing is improving. Whereas other men dont have to do any of this and have great success. If people want to know why I get so upset about things well then here you go. I wish I could articulate this better over the internet but I cant so people miss this point. 

[TheRenegade345]

@Jynx @tyme @rav3n @Ru-bee 

Went on a date for the first time in ages tonight, it didn't go well at all and I feel absolutely miserable. I will be forever alone.

[rav3n]

hey @TheRenegade345 was just catching up on some of the posts here - i'm really sorry to hear the date didn't go well. i know it's hard not to feel horrible after a bad date, so feel your feels. but know that this doesn't mean your doomed in relationships!! every failed date is an opportunity to learn about what you like/don't like, what went right/wrong, etc. 

do you want to dissect the date a little and talk about what happened? or would you rather talk about something else? let me know what sort of support you need tonight.

[TheRenegade345]

@rav3n 

Nothing really bad happened, again it probably felt like a night with two friends as opposed to two people on a date. I tried expressing myself and using my humour. But it just didn't go anywhere and apparently there wasn't a 'spark'. I honestly dont know how to achieve those expectations. I need more time than one date. I am trying not to feel hopeless but this is the way it always goes.

[Jynx]

That's really rough @TheRenegade345 I'm sorry to hear it. What do you find helpful in times like this? Happy to lend an ear, if you wanna vent or unpack 💜

[TheRenegade345]

@Jynx 

I dont want to say or rant about. I am used to this. I go on a date, seems okay, then it goes nowhere. Rinse, cycle, repeat. I am just playing games and listening to music. I am just resigned to the fact that I will die alone.

[TheRenegade345]

@Jynx 

"Every year it's the same, and I feel it again.

I'm a loser, no chance to win."

Sometimes lyrics to songs just hit you in the gut. I am a loser, I was born a loser, and I will die a loser. I dont want anyone saying I need to just work on myself and all that because I am doing that. I just want more success here. This is absolutely ridiculous now. Genuinely stupid how difficult this is. I hate this I hate this I hate this hate hate I bloody hate this all. I hate this planet so much, how much more can I take? I have no one, I dont know anyone who goes through this. I am so alone in the stupid messed up world that offers no support for people like me. What a stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid world