hey @TheRenegade345 i can see how much that sadness is weighing on you. relationships can be tricky to navigate, especially when you factor in mental health challenges. you mentioned that you don't think women 'see' you and a lot of what you mentioned was putting yourself down. have women ever said that you are 'undesirable'? or are these assumptions you've made?
wanting a relationship while having a negative view on yourself makes the process much more difficult.
do you know about core beliefs? my psych was talking to me about it, core beliefs are made during your childhood and as you grow up, you sort of naturally try to find proof to support those core beliefs. e.g. if your core belief is 'i am lovable/attractive', then when someone rejects you or perhaps doesn't show interest, you are more likely to think 'oh i guess we're just not a fit, but i'll find someone else'. while if your core belief is 'i am unloveable/unattractive', then someone not finding interest in you might make you think 'i'm not worthy of love, no one wants me, i must be ugly', etc.
from what you've mentioned so far, it seems like maybe you might have some negative core beliefs about yourself, and it might be further contributing to how sad you feel around developing relationships. for my social anxiety, having those negative core beliefs makes things like rejection, being ignored, being excluded, etc., makes it much harder to deal with - but when we work on changing those core beliefs into positive ones, it makes it much easier to deal with those overwhelming emotions.
does the core belief stuff make sense to you? not sure if i've explained it well. we can talk about ways to change those core beliefs as well if you're interested.
it's really great you've got your guitar playing. hold onto those things. doing things that you're good at, focusing on developing skills, spending time on hobbies, etc., are great ways to focus on yourself rather than others. you should always be pouring love/care in your own cup.
