Never being in a relationship

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345 

I can't disagree with anything you've said.  You do sound like you're wise beyond your years and maybe that is what puts these women off.  I remember when I was on that dating site, I thought I would do some research to see what was expected of me in the world of dating.  I read quite a lot and was horrified at how fast people seemed to think this dating process should go.  It sounded to me like if you're weren't in a relationship by the end of the first date, it was time to move on.  I all seemed wayyy too fast for me.  I too like to get to know people first.  An with my very limited dating experience I needed even more time.  And I was hopeless at taking the initiative.  So I was starting to feel it was hopeless.  I didn't feel like I could change either of those things about myself and it seemed like a instant 'no' to women.  But like I said, eventually the right person comes along and actually likes those traits that others reject... or at least sees past them.  So it's important not to compare ourselves to others.  You're probably looking for different things that the majority of other people your age, so naturally it will take longer to find someone who is looking for the same.  When you meet someone, be honest about what you are looking for.  Yes it may put you at a high risk of only getting the one date, but was that date really someone who you would have seen a future with anyway?

[TheRenegade345]

@MJG017 

I also cant disagree with anything you said either. I honestly feel like it's because I have a strong view of myself but dont come across as really outgoing that puts them off? Honestly I dont know because I never receive any feedback.

I hope the right person comes along one day. It honestly doesn't feel like that at all. It makes me feel so sad. I worry that my ASD/ADHD will always be off putting to people;

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345 

If ever one of us figures it out, we can let the other know.  Although I think if I still haven't worked it out with 54 rapidly approaching then i'm not sure I like my chances.

I think it's okay to feel like you will never find someone... I did right up until I found someone.  I still struggle to believe it happened.  But as long as you don't give up completely.  It's probably better if you don't feel this way, but I'm hardly the one to tell you should.  Just to keep that hope flickering.  The right person wont be put off by things about us we have no control over.  If you met someone with a similar diagnosis that you really liked, would you be put off?   Hopefully you just don't have to wait until your 40s like me to find them.

[TheRenegade345]

@MJG017 @tyme @leafylady666 @Shift83 @Cleo2 

I wouldn't be put off by someone who had my diagnosis at all. I find people who are neurodivergent to be more interesting than people who are neurotypical. However, those people are few and far between.

I have hit a huge roadblock. I feel so defeated and lost and I worry it will never happen.

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345  I totally understand that defeated feeling, but keep looking.  The right person can be hiding anywhere, you just have to find them, or let them find you.  As impossible as it will seem a lot of the time, never think you dont deserve it or are not worthy of it.  That's the voice that will hold you back.  It did that to me for far too long.

[tyme]

Hey @TheRenegade345 ,

I've heard in the past that some neurodivergents are attracted to other 'types' of neurodivergents... what do you say?

I vaguely remember someone saying that a borderline (pwBPD) is draw to someone on the spectrum. (Don't quote me). 

What do you think?

Whatever it is, I think all people have their little quirks and perks lol. 

What are some qualities you appreciate about yoursef?

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme @MJG017 

I guess it probably is true though I think those connections can be unstable if it is based on mental health alone. You need good emotional regulation skills as well.

I worry that I am completely out of synch with the rest of the world. I have no luck with women, I am completely isolated with no opportunities to connect. I worry that I will never have sex or have any kind of intimate contact with someone else. I worry that I will never experience the true joys of having a partner. We all know what they are and everyone is just gaslighting you if they say it's not the be all and end all. I honestly feel so detached from reality and that I will never be to truly connect with others.

[rav3n]

hey @TheRenegade345 just saw your post about your worries around connection - i relate to thinking a lot of those things too sometimes. forming connections whether its platonic, romantic, sexual, etc., can be challenging, especially when mental health is a factor. but just because it's challenging doesn't mean it's impossible. it may take time and trial/error to build new connections. oh and risk... i find that there's a bit of jump you gotta take to meet people and build something (which is the scary part but also the part that later makes it all worth it). starting off by making friends and then later seeing if something more can come from it is always an option too.

i truly believe that opportunities for new connections can and will come your way. you might have to dig around to find those opportunities, but they are out there. just know that you’re not alone in this. 💙

[TheRenegade345]

@rav3n 

But what can I do? I have tried so many things the last few years and I dont know what to do anymore. I am so alone and my ADHD has seriously impacted on my ability to form connections. I worry that I dont have the evolutionary fitness to survive and make friends or form a relationship. I dont have the means to go to a psychiatrist and get ADHD meds because I am trying to earn a home loan and I dont have any groups or things to join of people who actually get me. It is not easy to just give me vague platitudes and cliches. Believe me, I have heard them all over the years and they don't mean anything to me anymore. Particularly when other people put less effort in and get more rewards. There is nothing out there for me.

[rav3n]

@TheRenegade345 i'm really sorry that your past experiences with building connection haven't been positive, and it makes sense why you'd feel frustrated and tired after trying so hard. i know you mentioned you've tried a lot of stuff out before so let me know if you've already checked this out too: 

• Support groups - ADHD Australia
• Mood Disorders (Neurodiversity) Support Group (mhfa.org.au) - this one's Victoria specific so if you live in a different state, let me know and I can find support that's accessible to you and that's free.

also i'm not sure if dating apps are something you're interested in but there are some apps where you can disclose that you're neurodivergent, and apps like Bumble let you choose to make friends or date (you choose). if you've already checked these stuff out, then please ignore this!!

i know there can be a range of factors besides mental health too, like your location, compatibility, etc., i'm not saying that making a connection is easy at all, but i am saying it isn't impossible. i guess we all have our own way of connecting, and we just haven't found yours yet. for me personally, i had to reconnect with nature & music before i even began connecting with people. things like people watching helped me slowly gain confidence to even interact with people. you mentioned a disconnection from reality - do you feel connected to anything else? like nature or animals or art or music, etc?