Never being in a relationship

[tyme]

@TheRenegade345 @leafylady666 ,

Thanks for sharing.

Nah, I didn't do any work about dating in my 20s and 30s. I was too much of a mental mess and I wasn't ready to put anyone through my pain. Rather, in my early 30s was when recovery really happened so that I was stable by about 33-35years old. 

I'm in my late 30s. Nearly 40 now, and I'm sort of so happy with life (and free) that I'm not sure I could be 'hemmed in' by a relationship.

So I think I'm in a different boat. 

However, saying that, if the 'ideal' person pops by, I MIGHT reconsider. Who knows? 

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme @leafylady666 @MJG017 @Shift83 @Cleo2 

I feel like we are different in a lot of ways when we talk about society as a whole. Some people are relatively comfortable with the idea of not being in a relationship. Some struggle more than others.

I honestly believe I will never truly be comfortable with the idea of not being in a relationship. I know that I am a lot better about it than I was a few years ago. But we are always bombarded with images in all different mediums about it that makes it impossible to not think about. 

I am okay with myself, I just wish others could see that too.

[tyme]

Hey there @TheRenegade345 ,

Thank you for your honest post. It is totally okay to feel that you want to be in a relationship. As humans, we yearn to be with someone as we are social creatures. 

I know others have shared their stories with you already. I'm glad to hear you are okay with yourself. Continue to keep your head high my dear. Hope in good things to come. 

We are walking this way with you. We are listening. Feel free to share how things are going for you. 

I don't know the future so I can't say it WILL happen, but while you have breath, there is hope.

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345 

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But we are always bombarded with images in all different mediums about it that makes it impossible to not think about.

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I remember, before I met my partner, everything used to remind me I was alone.  Tv, movies, and being around other people and their partners/families obviously, but even driving and I would see a couple of people together in the car next to me, or outside and just seeing 2 people walking along together would trigger those thoughts of being alone in me.  It was very hard at times

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I am okay with myself, I just wish others could see that too.

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I know exactly how that feels, but you have to trust that eventually the right person sees it.  I've had a few people tell me that how can you expect other people to like you if you don't like yourself.  I don't think I ever really got it, but now, I understand it more.  You don't have to be that extroverted, 'loves themselves' type of person, or even close to that... you just have to think enough of yourself to know you are worthy of being in a relationship.  It's a small thing, but I think it makes you see opportunities to meet the right person that you probably would have overlooked before.  Keep asking questions just like you're doing as well, it can give us insights into ourselves that we overlook or don't see.

[TheRenegade345]

@MJG017 @tyme 

Im glad that I’m not the only one that feels this way. I just feel because it’s something I want, I see it everywhere and it hurts me every time I see it.

I don’t want to be rude or anything but I honestly struggle with this thought. I don’t tend to get past first dates at all so it makes me feel like women (particularly in their 20s) don’t really know what they want. 

I’ve got a career, my own place, a set of hobbies and interests that keep me interest. Yet, I get rejected all the time. That’s why the whole “you can’t love others unless you love yourself” narrative does get old after a while. I do believe that the standards of some people has become so ridiculously high that there are now a lot of men who are invisible to most women. 

[tyme]

I hear what you mean by people not knowing what they want lol @TheRenegade345 . I agree. 

I also feel that relationships can be so fickle... and the true meaning of 'love' has been forgotten?

[TheRenegade345]

@tyme

Probably to a degree yes. I think it’s because effort and patience has gone out of the proverbial window. People are less social than ever and interpersonal skills have declined over time. I honestly don’t think people know how to build these things anymore. 

How anyone thinks that you can judge a potential relationship after one date is beyond me.

[MJG017]

@TheRenegade345 

Yep, it sucks and it hurts a lot and the constant reminders just ensure the pain is always lurking there in your mind.

I'm not sure i'm in any position to talk about dating success.  But I have dated exactly 4 women in my life.  The last is my current partner, but the first 3 were all in that 3 year period after I turned 40 and I joined that dating website.  Each of the first three women lasted 2 dates.  I was nervous as help, but I though I was friendly and funny.  But I think that become my weakness because I think they sensed that I just didn't have the confidence to take things further than that.  Or they though I wasn't interested.  I really have no idea, but I knew I was clueless. 

Even at the end of my 2nd date with my now partner was awkward as anything as I walked her back to her car.  I knew, yes even I knew, she was expecting... a little 'progression' there at the end when we got to her car.  I sort of panicked and stood there like a mute idiot.  After a far too long awkward pause we each drove home with me thinking "well, there's a forth one I never got passed a 2nd date with", and I assumed that was done and I was done with dating in general.  It just seemed like I was wasting the time of these women by trying any more.

Anyway, I talked to an online friend I had when I got home and I was convinced (coerced) to send a message saying I had a nice time.  I didn't see the point but this friend was quite insistent and wouldn't speak to me until I did. A few days later we had a 3rd date and at the end she decided if I wasn't going to 'progress' things... she would.  She was the first person that understood me enough to know I was just not confident and needed a bit of a 'push'.  I think I sort of knew then that this person understood me like no one else ever did and I sort of knew right then that even I would find it hard to screw up from here.  So far so good.

I know the "you have to love yourself" gets very old very quickly, but there is some truth to it.  Maybe it helped that we were both older at the time, and many people our age were already in relationships so the pickings were slim... who knows.  I would assume that a lot of younger people are far more unsure about what they want and maybe looking for something more casual than you are... maybe just not ready for anything long term right now.  Again, I don't know.

But you are getting dates and that's good.  You just have to find that woman who likes you and likes who you are and 2nd and 3rd date will hopefully follow.  Do you have any of you own ideas of why these dates dont get a 2nd?  Is it your diagnoses that you think puts them off, or can it be something else you could improve.  Obviously some things you can change and somethings you cant.  Sometimes we can get so nervous that we're not really being ourselves.  How did you feel about these women you dated?  Did you feel like there was a connection with any of them?  Do you maybe need to look in different places?  All things to think about to try and boost your chances.

It can be very hard and challenging, and even confronting to try and look at ourselves and try to see how other see us.  A lot of times we don't see it until someone points it out to us.  So all I can suggest is keep trying, keep asking yourself questions, keep asking for ideas and just don't give up.  There will eventually be the one person who you just 'click' with.

[tyme]

I think it's about the 'push button' society we live in @TheRenegade345 . If you don't like what we see, click "delete". Yep, I agree with what you said about people losing the ability to socialise and connect on a deeper level. 

I'm not sure it's something we can fix...

[TheRenegade345]

@MJG017 @tyme 

That sounds like true love from your experience. Honestly it should be like that more often. Why is it that the expectation to take initiative has to come from men? Particularly if you have not had a lot of dating experience, of course you are going to be nervous. She was able to meet you where you needed her to and look at what happened after that?

Unfortunately that has not been my experience. Even the one relationship I was in 5 years ago was a train wreck because I was the one who had to carry the entire emotional load.

I think my issues stem around the fact that I am a slow burn and it takes me time to get to know someone. Confidence is a poorly identified trait in society today and it can come in different forms. I think women are so used to being bombarded with so many different men on dating apps and in public that they feel like they have to weed out the different ones. Probably one reason as to why they don't see things through as much though that is just my experience.

I think younger people dont know what they truly want but have a certain degree of arrogance or a lack of self awareness which means they cant identify that until they get older. I was lucky that I had a clear set of values from an early age. A lot of them state they want long term relationships but I dont think they have any idea of how to go about doing that.

Honestly I dont know, they never tell me anyway. I will keep trying but it is so frustrating to put in all this effort and get nothing out of it. Whereas others can put in a minimal amount of effort and get more rewards.