Do you ever feel you’re not “meant for love”?

[leafylady666]

Heya there!

Lately I’ve been pondering over my desire for romantic relationships and I guess, how the majority of my life has been dedicated to my mental health journey.

I’ve began to feel undesirable, like I’m not worthy of love or that I’m too “broken” “too much” to ever be considered a prospect for a partner.

Doesn’t help that in the past I had people who reaffirmed the above sentiments and basically laughed at the fact that I even thought I could have a happy marriage or kids in the future.

Now don’t get me wrong - I don’t believe this for a second for others. I know plenty of people who live with MI and have beautiful relationships… I just don’t know if it’ll ever be for me.

Dating apps seem hollow, and I guess after years and years of working on myself I’m not exactly of the belief that I need another person to complete me, or another person to approve of me - but I’ve also been exposed to a lot of opinions from men in particular about how they aren’t looking for a partner with MI (I’m putting that politely haha).

I just feel like giving up on love.

Which really bums me out because I feel like I’ve learnt so much and have so much understanding, support and affection to give.

Does anyone else feel or have felt that way?

[tyme]

Hey @leafylady666 ,

Hearing you. In a way, I feel you are not alone at all. 

I've heard many ponder whether they can ever settle down with a partner - partly because of their MH.

I wonder if the 'end' goal is not just about having a partner, but being satisfied and content in life? 

Do you feel you are at the point where you are ready and wanting the next step?

How do you generally connect with people?

I hope you find your tribe and work out what it is that will fill any gap in your life. Let's just say, sometimes things happen when we least expect 🙂

I look forward to hearing from you!

[Rebuild85]

Everyday I crave affection it leaves a big whole in my heart which is so full of the love to give I feel like it's such a weight.

[leafylady666]

Hey @tyme,

Thanks for your response!

It’s all really quite odd - I feel like relationships have always eluded me.

I guess I’ve dedicated so much of my life to healing and surviving MI that it never really was a priority for me.

I’ve always had close friends who were… well, always in unhealthy relationships. And when I started getting really sick with MI, I told myself I’d refrain from getting romantically involved with someone until I was okay.

I have cPTSD and BPD - and from the beginning I knew what people said about BPD and relationships. So for years while I did therapy and worked on myself, I made sure to distance myself.

Now it’s been 10 or so years and I’m in remission with my BPD… but I feel like my MH excludes me from being seen as a good partner.

I do well in social environments - albeit I mask a lot with a more extroverted version of myself, but I can talk to mostly anyone (god that sounds so wanky).

My life mostly surrounds work in healthcare - and the only time I see anyone outside of work is with my friends or at the gym.

[tyme]

You have confirmed so much of what I know about BPD @leafylady666 . I never knew you had BPD, but I do too, and I want to say I know exactly what you are saying @leafylady666 

It sounds like you are sharing about my life when you posted. 

I actually feel that rather than you not being good enough for relationships, you are TOO good. 

Have you looked into the strengths of those with BPD? Highly passionate, caring, empathetic, feel deeply etc? I think these are amazing traits. 

From what I know, once you have 'passed' the struggles of BPD, you pretty much don't regress (UNLESS you go through significant trauma).

You are another borderline (if you don't mind me using that term) to add to my list who is working in an industry where you 'help' others. 

Over the years, I've made the observation that pwBPD are drawn to industries where they help people e.g. teacher, nurses, healthcare workers etc. I feel this is because of a certain trait borderlines have. 

I'd be interested to do some research into this in the future sometime.

Look forward to hearing from you, my fellow borderline

[MJG017]

Hi @leafylady666 

I felt the same for most of my life.  Funnily enough, I just replied to someone with a similar question so I relied with a short history of my 'love life' here...

https://lifeline.saneforums.org/t5/Recovery-Club/Never-being-in-a-relationship/m-p/1560887#M110678

So sorry for being a bit lazy, but it seemed pointless to retype it out and there may be some replied in that discussion that you find helpful.

From the very start of my life I had severe... what I've recently learned are termed attachment issues.  So I always felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, but as I wrote in my little story, I finally found someone at 43 and I'm still with her 12 years later.

So I think it's okay to feel like it will never happen (because I felt like that for a long, long time) but I always had that little bit of hope than eventually turned into panic and desperation, which in turn made me do something which changed my life.

Now I'm not saying you wait until you reach a similar point but never give up and never think that you aren't worthy or that no one will accept you as you are.  It's not true and there's always someone out there.... the trick is finding them.  And without even a tiny bit of hope, finding them becomes almost impossible.  To be honest, I'm still not sure i'm worthy but old habits die hard I guess.

[leafylady666]

@MJG017 Don't apologise! You're all good!

I love reading and hearing about stories like yours - really makes me smile and gives me hope that one day I'll be able to find a kindred spirit I can share my life with. So thank you for sharing!

I too struggle with never feeling good enough.

I'm constantly comparing myself to everyone else, and as much as I've spent years and years of CBT trying to negate it, I still believe a lot of nasty negative stuff about myself.

[leafylady666]

@tyme Thank you for your reply - always happy to chat to a fellow borderline!

I have a tricky relationship with BPD, as I guess a lot of the positive traits you mentioned I was mocked and abused for. 

Being too sensitive, feeling too deeply on something, caring too much etc etc - so then I tried to do the opposite and just be logical and rational, which was really just me repressing everything and unhealthily not dealing with it until it all became to much.

Haha my role at work is kind of odd - I'm management, but I'm responsible for training and working alongside new employees in our team.

And like you said, the traits of BPD are actually where I shine in my job, cause I'm the one amongst the team checking in, providing feedback and assistance, and basically the office clown/cheerleader for when things are too stressful or morale is low.

Weird job, but I love it.

I can't speak for other borderlines - but to me, I think what drives me is this desire to help other people who have been in the same place psychologically as you.

If there's one thing I will always do for someone, it's listen - because I know there's been so many times where I've been on the brink of being gone from this world, and someone listened to me and I was able to make it one more hour or one more day.

[tyme]

That's my driver as well - "Helping Others" and I honestly think it's a borderline thing too (this is my own opinion). And yes, thriving in your job sounds familiar. @leafylady666 

For me, a lot of the work was on finding balance. Otherwise it was ALL or NOTHING (black/white).

Since my therapy stint, things couldn't be better. 

I used to hate life, but now I love it. In terms of the 'love' thing, I feel that I'm not going to wait around and put life on hold to 'find' someone. I'm not in the mindset that if it happens, it happens. Hence, it's different to what you are experiencing.

I want people to like me for who I am. I don't want to put a facade on to please people. But that's just me.