WARNING! WARNING! Train of thought approaching......
i'm not BP (although my mother is so I grew up in a household that was effectively on standby waiting for mum's 'change') my depression is overall classed as 'stable'; which sometimes sounds more like a way to describe asthma or diabetes than mental illness. I understand 'stable' to mean that as long as I'm medicated (I made a medication pact with my unborn first child; my mother refused medication and created much damage to all her children with both the BP and narcissism, I promised my child that in order to be the best mother I could be I would take the meds my health team determined appropriate).
whoa, that was a long introductory note....
today I had a particularly dreadful day. I have lows where I cannot get out of bed, can't do the dishes, can't process the needs of my children (biggie about to transition to secondary school, middlie moving to a non school middle years program due to his MI and youngstar beginning to get sidelined for being 'weird' in 3rd grade), can't think properly, lose words, and become extremely vulnerable to crying for -as my ex husband says- 'no apparent reason'. For me those lows no longer last for months as they once did, but for a day here or there on average about twice a month. These are the days I'm particularly at risk of suicidal behaviours, but I have promised my GP that I will call with a code word if I get really close. I do frequently feel very deeply a huge disenchantment with being alive. Most of the time my meds help me from self harming, but they never remove the overwhelming anomie which has been my constant companion over about 35 years.
my kids and my dogs and my chooks keep me here. But the overwhelming loneliness is never relieved. Even though the conversations are almost always with me... On the times I'm low the conversations don't remind me of my desires but of my failings. My dogs seem to be able to tell the conversations are getting nasty;at these times the pack (more dogs than kids) hovers very close to me, they seem to know I'm not myself. These are the times when I am unable to use my somewhat morbid sense of humour. I tend to protect myself with a self deprecating, apparently 'wicked' sense of humour. (I've just noted, reading back over some of my comments here that it's still there, even when I thought it was buried)
i usually feel intensely lonely. My children's dad lives closeby, which is good for the kids, but not so good for me. He also has MI, and after around 20 years, it became too toxic for me. I'd love to find love, but I'm a realist: I don't often meet blokes who can deal with the whole package... People who work with the family, colleagues, people I generally come into contact with tell me I'm doing a great job with all I deal with: significantly, parenting 3 high needs kids who each have a range of extreme and challenging behaviours. If they think I'm so terrific... "inspiring" comes up a lot... Why don't they become friends. I wonder, do I send out lots of 'do not approach' messages? Do I miss the cues? I really don't know, but since my schooldays where I was surrounded by lots of similarly alienated goth and 'alternative' friends, I've never had much success in the becoming friends department. My parents blamed my "intellectualism"; I grew up in a wealthy but steadfastly anti intellectual family. I now know that in fact my Aspergers was to 'blame'. They also accused me of being bossy. I've actually never understood that one - although not being a 'permissive' parent, I do like behavioural rules and boundaries, my kids do say, "she's going all alpha mum on us" when I put my foot down. Middlie has famously described me as only ever yelling at them on two occasions. I don't think the bossy label really applies.... I guess I've never really known why some people seem to have a circle of friends and associates. And I've never had that. I think I'm friendly enough. I'm generous in many ways - although given I'm full time caring person on carers pension - that doesn't include financial. Money is a real struggle, but with my health and my kids needs, I just don't have time or energy to re enter the workforce.
Where was i? Off in cloud cuckoo land... I had actually only meant to write a brief but heartfelt THANK YOU especially to @PeppiPatty, @Former-Member, @MoonGal, @Appleblossom and @kristin for listening (reading) and responding. I usually dread the contents of my in box. Today, with messages from you people, and your responses to my rambling, it has been a way of feeling a lot less crap. Thank you.
Tomorrow is going to be a lot less crap. I do try to use positive affirmations (and yoga, and meditation, and weight training, and listening to (predominantly) analogue [vinyl] music) and I read. A lot. Just started The Brain That Changes Itself... Recently read Elizabeth Wertzel's memoir " (prohibited name of happy pill) Nation". She gets 'it'. Also just finished Scar Tissue by Anthony Keidis, from RedHotChiliPeppers; I'd rather have my depression than his addictions. I don't have any addictions, even though as a young person I've tried and I'm even letting go of many of my not quite OCD rituals. Still a long way to go, but thank you forum folks for giving me the airtime,. Until later, Roger, Over and Out
