struggling again

[Shaz51]

You are never forgotten ❤️ @BlueBay , when I see your name come up and you tag me , my heart jumps for joy and I have a smile when I see your name ☺️ 

[BlueBay]

Oh you’re such a sweetheart my friend and sis @Shaz51 😘❤️

[tyme]

You are right @BlueBay 

SANE forums change, but we never forget you. 

I often think about you and how much you have battled and proved yourself. When I see you name, I see a powerful person. One who is resilient and defied all odds to be where you are today.

I'm really really proud of you. You may not be feeling very strong right now, but trust me, I see you as truly powerful and inspirational.

[MJG017]

@BlueBay 

I'm so sorry that this situation just keeps going on with your dad and your mum continues to be so hurtful.

If you think writing a letter to your mum would be helpful for you then do it.  Could she do anything to make it worse for you than it is now?  I think it's important to tell her how you feel and how badly she if affecting you.  Even if she shows no remorse or understanding, well it doesn't matter... the letter isn't for her, it's for you to try and get some of this out and be free of just a little of it.  There's no need to fill the letter with anger (hard to do I know), but to just tell her the truth and maybe that will be cathartic for you and being you at least some peace.  

It really sounds like you are struggling quite a bit and I'm concerned about you, especially with these negative thoughts you're having.  None of this if fair on you in anyway but you are the one suffering the pain of it all.  I know you so concerned about you dad right now, but you have to think about you own health as well.  If that means going to the hospital and you think that it would be the best option for your well being then please consider it.  You're dealing with so much that you need to focus on what is best for you right now.  We're all here with you, wishing the best for you.

So try to write all this down. As @tyme suggested, whether you mum reads it or not it will help to get it out of your system.  And don't worry if you're worried about breaking down while doing it, that's nothing to fear and may even be helpful.  I know, when I was talking to my counsellor last week about my biological mother, when I got to telling her about my trip to Canberra to meet her and that last night I was there and knowing now that it would be the last time I saw her as she passed soon after... I just broke down.  I stopped talking and I thought it doesn't matter, I should try to keep going and I did continue to tell her all about it.  I used quite a few of her tissues in the process but I felt better for doing it and it felt good getting it out.  It was the first time i've ever lost control of my emotions like that in front of another person, but I don't know how, but I just went on with it.  Sometimes we just need to get this stuff out of our heads.  Which ever way you decide to go, we're all here for you and so proud of all the strength and compassion you keep showing. 

Sending you hugs ({})

Take care of yourself @BlueBay ‌‌

[BlueBay]

Thanks @tyme for your kind words. The thing is I don’t believe it in myself. 
Im not strong or powerful. I struggle to believe those words. I have been out down my whole life; always picked on; laughed at. I feel as tiny as an ant hiding away from the world. 
it’s left me frozen and self love is below zero. 

I don’t know how I’m inspirational ???

I feel like I’m a huge burden to my family. I’m a bother to everyone. I’m having really bad thoughts today but can’t go into detail because I’ll be blocked. 
im going to go outside.  Everyone at home is giving me the dhits today. 
I just need to be alone 

[tyme]

Hey @BlueBay ,

Hearing you. 

The fact that you have battled to get to where you are now, with such limited support from your parents - THAT is inspirational.

In other words, you've done it on your own. 

I'm not saying it has been easy.

I can't imagine what it's like to not have the support of family and parents - not only that, for your mum to do what she has done and treat you as an outsider.

You are brave. You are courageous. You are an inspitation.

Hugs.

[MJG017]

---

@BlueBay wrote:

The thing is I don’t believe it in myself. Im not strong or powerful. I struggle to believe those words. I have been out down my whole life; always picked on; laughed at. I feel as tiny as an ant hiding away from the world. 
it’s left me frozen and self love is below zero. 

---

@BlueBayI spent most of my life, especially my childhood, feeling exactly the same way.  It's so damn hard to go through every day, for years and years like that, as I'm sure we are both aware.  As are many others.  That is why you are strong and powerful.  Why anyone who has deal with that for a long time is.

We've told ourselves those words so many times for so long that they become an inarguable truth in our minds.  Its why it takes a lot of time and a lot of support to start to see them as false and start to see the strengths we have.

I don’t know how I’m inspirational ???

---

So many people have bad or tough childhoods, or have bad things happen to them during their lives and it destroys them.  Even just coming on somewhere like here and sharing your story is a sign you are willing to start to heal from the past and to start seeing the strengths that supportive people keep trying to remind us of.  It's difficult to do even with supportive people around us, but so much harder having to do it alone.  To even start to listen and believe is inspirational in itself.  So many people never manage to do that. To do it without much, if any, support around is the very definition of inspirational.

---

I feel like I’m a huge burden to my family. I’m a bother to everyone. I’m having really bad thoughts today but can’t go into detail because I’ll be blocked. 
im going to go outside.  Everyone at home is giving me the dhits today. 
I just need to be alone 

---

I'm sorry it's such a bad day for you.  I'm sure people in your life, your family included, bother you at times.  Does that make you see them as burdens?  We do tend to see ourselves far more harshly than others do.  And as I said, it's so hard to stop thinking that way.  But it's not true and we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that and have people around us that help us do that... to quieten those doubts and self criticism.

People give me the sh#ts all the time.  There's nothing wrong with just going and taking some 'alone' time.  I do that all the time.  Just don't spend that time running yourself down.  Remind yourself of your strengths and how it's just a bad moment and that things will get better.  I hope you're feeling a bit better after sitting outside for a while.

[BlueBay]

the past few months have been chaotic, overwhelming and challenging.

I ended up in hospital to change my AD meds.  I really didn't want to go but i really had no choice if i wanted to change my meds.  it is still early days to see if this med is working; it may take another few weeks.

In a way it worked out ok as i met a beautiful therapist who introduced me to sound therapy. I did release lots and lots of emotions that were kept inside of me.  i will be continuing this therapy as an outpatient in feb next year.

I have had lots of gut issues, ulcer along with diverticulitis.

Six weeks ago my elder son has finally moved into his new townhouse.  it took a very long time to finish and he is so happy. 

my younger son who came back from the UK after two years has found a rental closer to the city.  He and his girlfriend move in next week.

So within a space of 8 weeks we will have no kids at home anymore!!! Feeling sad but i know they will be okay.

my beautiful granddaughter, little A is finishing grade one, i can't believe where the time has gone.

my parents are still not talking to me, there has been no contact since april this year.  i have often wondered if i should go back - but my rational mind keeps telling me - NO it was not my fault. how can a mother hang up the phone when i called to say happy mothers day.

i am missing my day so so much, his health is going downhill and i feel so stuck that i can't see him. i just hope that i do get to see him before it's too late.

i am sorry i haven't been on here of late.  just too much going on.  i am alone at home, struggling with motivation.  i have days where i just don't care about anything.

hoping everyone here is doing as best as you can.

it's a hard time of year for a lot of people

senidng lots of hugs and love

@MJG017 @tyme @Shaz51 @Eve7 @oceangirl 

@Shaz51 i have forgotten a few names to add in my post.  feel free to add others if you want xxx

[MJG017]

Hi @BlueBay 

I'm sorry recent months have been so challenging for you still.  I haven't been around here much myself the past couple of weeks after a massive new challenge in my own life so I know how sometime you just need some time away to get yourself through.  So continue to keep doing whatever you feel you need to do for your own well-being, which in itself, shows a lot of courage and resilience.

It does sound like there are some positives for you though... your new therapist, your boys seem to be doing really well, and your granddaughter just starting out.  So think of them when you're feeling low and i'm sure it will being you extra strength to continue to help you through.

It's heartbreaking that your mother is still such a barrier to your seeing your dad at this most important time.  I'm so very aware right now that time like this is something you can never get back so I really hope you can find some way to see him before it's too late.  Even if that means completely dismissing your mother and finding some way to see your dad by getting around her somehow.

I've come to know that numb feeling of having no motivation at all, so I just try to focus on the now and take things a day at a time.  Get through today, try to find a small win or two, think of the positives, and tomorrow will be here regardless so worry about that when it comes.  Especially at times like this part of the year.

Keep taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself.

[Shaz51]

Sending you lots of hugs my sister @BlueBay 

Understanding hugs for your upcoming having no kids at home 

I am remembering when we had the 4 kids living at home with us and now they are all grown up 

And now we have 3 grandchildren 😊

@oceangirl , @Eve7 , @tyme , @MJG017 , @Jynx , @Snowie , @Emelia8