Lived Experience Forum

[abrepeat]

Over last few years ive had exeriences where ive admitted to people some of the things that trouble me in life and otheers where ive hoped to pass as normal. It seems like to those ive admitted mental issues the default stance is that they think you lying and failing in some way, bludging and other negative judgements. Even those who click Like on FB or attend mental health supprot events etc can react with judegment and derision. That i told anyone outlines of what worries me still hurts. Small towns, and small gay communities in those towns, magnify the effect. 

Ive given impressions, and been, a selfish guy many times in my life. Ive treated poeple badly bt i realise and feel awful. It becomes another sign that iam the loser freak i think i am. Past mistakes stay and add to stress of the future attempts to socialise. Every social interaction ive had since 2012 has been a confusing mistake. Staying alone sends me batty too. 

Stuffed if i do or dont. 

[BeHappy]

Hi @abrepeat

It's like you're stuck in a rock and hard place. You want to connect, but when try to, it doesn't work out and you feel defeated. 

You said that every interaction you've has since 2012 has been a confusing mistake. Can I ask what happened around this time? Why 2012?

Unfortunately stigma exists.  But it's slowly gettig better. I don't think it would make it easier being in a small rural community. That in itself can be stressful because everyone knows each other's business.  I've been doing some reading on how mental illnss can also be an outcome of being mistreated and misunderstood by society. Remember, that this is not your fault. We are products of our enviroment just as much as we can affect them. 

[abrepeat]

Hi! Thanks for replying! 

Nothing occured in 2012 that stands out as a cause. Id guess that being on own by choice has now become forced on me since then. I dont think society mistreated me though ive never felt a part of it, and if individuals did im sure i provoked or contributed in ways. ive been trying to think about where my crazienss and warped decision making started. Feeling of being watched was around since kid but got life distortong only in mid 20s. I feel most of my issues are my own fault as ive not conquered them but tried to minimise them. Ive no resilience or pain coping skills. The old cliche of "I shut the world out now its shutting me out". And to the people i hurt or ditched or was mean to would be thinking "Karma" type things. I deserve this and to only get out if fix self. But not sure how as it must involve social interactions which i usually ruin. So guess more embarrassment and regret ahead.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @abrepeat,

I agree with @BeHappy, it sounds like your social enviornment is not that supportive of you, and that they misunderstand you. 

You mentioned that in the past you have opened up to people to pass as normal. What is normal? I've seen a few people talk about wanting to be 'normal' on here. For instance,  @Billamba @Former-Member @Mazarita have written about how they've struggled with that idea, and how they don't feel accepted or part of the 'normal' world. I wonder if the normal world could be doing better to accomodate others. 

Having an MI can make it hard to connect. @Softsoft61 has written about how they struggle to connect with people here. They've asked for advice on how to meet others, which you might find helpful.

Also, @dhr53 @kenny66 and @Former-Member live in rural and remote areas. Perhaps they can share some of their struggles and expeiences with living in these areas.

Be kind to yourself abrepeat. 

CherryBomb

[abrepeat]

Its kind of you to suggest its society or a normal world view that created my current self but i think it was me and the choices i made and i turned normal fear or nerves or embarassment to the current psychosis paranoia type issue. I wish i knew why i did everything badly. I think people find it hard to be supportive even though they are oten nice guys who are friends with everybody else. Im the one alone so it cant be everybod else being mean to me. I think i give off very different impressions to what i mean to. And im nervous with most people so im not really saying r doing anything with considered thought. Just laughing or telling jokes or silly stories. After many times socialising ill get embarrassed and delete their number in my phone, or delete it cos i think i realised they were being mean. I used to think that deleting was fine cos noone got hurt and i wouldnt embarass self. After awhile i sometimes realise I was wrong so say Hi again and get cold reply. Im thinking deleting or not replying to new people wasnt the easy and polite way but seen as mean. I feel that My road to becoming this bastard was made with good intentions and much thought but has still lead to hell. 

[BeHappy]

Heya @abrepeat,

On one hand, it's great that you take responsibilty for your actions, but may I suggest to be kind to yourself as @CherryBomb has suggested. You seem to be very hard on yourself. What would you tell your bestfriend if they were going through a similar issue?

Do you see a counsellor? Or would you be willing to go to a group sessions? It might sound cliche but I think they're a place to learn coping skills. 

I've had some downfalls in relationships. Some have lasted, and some regretably have ended. I've learned through them both. I've owned my part, and I've done things that I'm not ashamed of. But I have done what I have could to repair them. Some friends were willing to work with me, while other didn't. Would you want to try and rebuild some of the broken relationships in life?

[abrepeat]

Ive tried at various points to fix old social relationships but Ive come to realise how I was was too bad for forgiveness. Ive often not realised how bad i was at time. had two relationships in teens ad early twenties where i was classic emotional abuser and self absorbed. I didnt know at time that I was so wrong and awful. Its been a slow releaese realisation drawn out for years. Itd be consolation if id learnt but my next relationship 8 years or so later I spent whole time feeling like i was being treated badly, then id act badly in return. A year after that I could see id been insecure and wrong and unable to talk emotionally honestly.So I interpreted everything as bad, it wasnt. So i was an evil ass to nice guy and i started it! 

Id guess a group counselling sessiion here owuld be awkward and we'd all half know each other. But what i think doesnt mean much as history shows. 🙂

If my best friend was anything like me Id have never met him.  Not sure ive ever been a decent advice giver. Im bit stumped what id tell a loved one thinking like me. Id probably delete their number so id not hurt thwem by bad advice. 

[BeHappy]

Hi @abrepeat,

I hope you don't mind me asking but do you have a diagnosis? Not that I'm huge fan of labels, but sometimes they can help to make sense of things (well through one lens anyway). 

You strike me as extremely insightful. This is an important thing to changing things. If you didn't see your part in the past - there would very little to work on. 

You also sound very empathetic to know the impact that your actions have. Just seems to me, that things get hard when people get too close. Like you, I wonder where that came from. 

Group therapy can be like a mini practice world to learn social skills. It's also safe as there's an objective person. Kinda tricky though given though there might be privacy concerns as you might know people. Can you go to a nearby town? Or maybe you can set up an agreement with people who live in the group? 

I also live in a regional area. There's not much more than 2 degree of separation here. I've know people who have gone to groups and/or counselling, and they've (after establishing that they felt ok to continue) set up an agreement from the start about how they would handle their relationship in the outside world, and how they could bumping into each other.

Enjoying chatting with you @abrepeat 

I'm off to bed now, but I look forward to hearing more from you.

[abrepeat]

Ive been told various diagnosis by a few psychiatrists over the years but its hard to see them or if do to say anything remotely clear and concise. The nerves hit and its importance, my closeness to self inhibits clarity too.  BPD was one, schizophrenia (ive never told any proffesional too much in that regard), some other weird ones like Avoidant Persoality Disorder. but not been told definitvely "you are a so and so suffering gonk". It wouldnt surprise me that if saw a Psychiatrist for a long enough time for him to have gotten to the stuff i dont say that he'd tell me "Mate, you are just a dickhead" 🙂

I do have empathy and insight but its useless as its years after the act in most cases. And that i was the same genre of boyfriend in my recent one shows i learnt nothing. Emoptions warp whats happening and the insight has never beeen there in the moment. I wish i didnt realise iff it wasnt going to be till its too late as it makes old pain hurt like new. 

[dhr53]

Hi @abrepeat, sometimes I think we think too much about about everything that goes on in life. Everyday is a new day and being held back by the past can be soul destroying. Be kinder to yourself and with your interactions with others, if you treat others with respect and kindness, whatever else they may think about you doesn't matter. I guess this probably sounds simplistic.