mI can clearly remeber walking out of my first birthing class , and aqs my partner and myself talked through the car park building turned to her scoffing of course and said "what the f#@K kind of man would get P.N.D " refering to our last topic in the birthing class for that session , after still chuckling away to mySelf as i got into the car , i had no idea that i was indeed "that kind of man" and P.N.D would have the last laugh.
fast forward a month , two weeks before my Daughter was expected to be born my partner and i had decieded to head down south a few hours from home and stay at a nice little retreat cabin out in the bush for a few days R&R.
mentally i was feeling good , i was 30yo and fortunatly i have never had depression anxiety or anything like that , in the past i had been lucky enough and "motivated" enough to "think' my way through problems if that makes sence. problems arises , think it through , how can i fix , change or deal with it ? And I would just make it happen , i never really been a "worrier" or Never one to Over think things which looking back probably saved my mental health , as my brothers one older , one younger have totally different mind sets from myself and both Suffer "extreme" mental health problems to the point they are both pretty much un-employable and the younger one has tried to take his own life on numourous occasions , thankfully un-succsesfully and they are both still soldiering on too this day
that afternoon i decieded to take the dogs for a walk On my way back walking up the last hill to the cabin "BANG" my heart started cranking , it was beating so fast it felt as though it was in my throat almost chocking me ,i was gasping for breath , the whole middle of my torso felt like it was being slowly crushed , i couldent keep my eyes open it was as though i was looking directly into a spot light or some thing !!! F%#K , F@#K im having a heart attack this is it F%#K
and of course the panic from me thinking i was having a heart attack stepped every thing up another notch.
I remember just trying to get to the cabin which was less than 50m away but my vision was blurry , the weirdest thing was it felt like i was sort of looking at my self from outside , and i was this tiny spec in a vast area , even tho there was a cabin 50m away and gardens etc and i was on a smallish lawn.
I was sweating and could actually hear my heart throbbing in my ears!!
breath ...... breath
In Out ..... In Out
Relax Breath
In Out In Out , calm down calm down then as quick as it came it was gone .
fark looking at the cabin , i wondered if my partner had Seen that ?
What the F just happened Fark !
Looking Up at The Cabin Fark What Just Happened , ?? Did My Patrner Just see That .??
As soon as i walked into the cabin she asked me if i was ok , she could read into my face and knew that something had just happened , we packed our bags and left ...
That was my first and only aniexty Attack of that caliber thank goodness , to think people live with that every day is beyond me , it actually saddens me ....
It was from that day onwards that began my dark dark decent into the black hole , my gorgeous little girl is Home with us now, you would think i would be spending all the time i can with her right ? but no a different type of anxiety has got me by the balls now , and im sinking deeper and deeper , now im really feeling distant , i spend my nights locked away in my garage ( Man Cave) and if i wasnt Working the days too ,
I feel sick my guts feels twisted , agitated , then the guilt steps in , catch 22 the more i distance myself the more guilt i feel i hate every thing , any thing i loved to do before gives me no enjoyment now no Feeling , no emotion , my ,mojos gone , im a ticking time bomb....
The Days Roll By And it Feels As Though Its The Same day Ground Hog day ,
The hardest thing for me when i felt like this was the lack of control i had .
I would try and talk myself into calming down relaxing and snapping out of it , but it didnt work for it actually made it worse ,it has worked all my Life With All Kinds Of Challenges including depression...
How the f@%K am i going to shake this !!!!!!
Just what i needed , the deep dark depression now kicks in i cant keep living like this .....
But still i had not told a sole !! WRONG CHOICE >
My partner knew something was not quite right
She always asked me if i was ok , Could She help in any way , but was greeted with a defensive yes im F@#ken ok leave me alone ," why do you keep asking me that ?" then i was back out to the garage to lock myself away from society again.
Meanwhile i have a gorgeous baby girl , that i dont want to be around !!! UMMM go figure. Fast forward 3-4 months the hardest months of my life all alone battling the mind , something has to break and it does ME......
I break down into a emotional slobbering mess in front of my partner , now i cant hide it anymore
She calms me down
And i tell her whats been happening , that excact second it feels as if my whole torso looses all the built up pressure and tension ,
A massive relief i feel alot better than ive felt for a long time ,
To Be COntinued
