The time has come for me to shout from the roof tops so I can let everyone know that I have a dark cloud over my head and its name is Depression.
Mental health awareness is not for likes shares of comments. This is to let people who suffer this illness in silence know that they are not and never will be alone.
I have a voice and for too long have I let it be tamed in the shadow of embarrassment. Afraid of what people might think once they know I am a person with mental illness.
It is a harrowing empty silent illness that will cover any light it finds from your mind. It will cast its shadow of darkness on your spirit even on the brightest of days.
My dark cloud has been above my head for for over 8 years and it dragged me to hell and left me there burning on the ground.
The pain is real the thoughts are real and the illness is very real. If you asked me to stand up and to run to safety I couldn't. The thought alone is excruciating.
The cloud above me soaks up my energy, dreams, hopes and happiness and only showers down shame, anger, guilt and sadness.
People talk about coming through the other side of their dark cloud and it is something I can only try to imagine.
Huh.. a day where I wake up and I go about my regular life activities and mundane chores with out the weight of the world of my shoulders. Could you imagine how heavy that is? and so I let in the cloud. I let it beat the heavy rain down on me. It is much easier to lay down and let it pour on you than to find the strength to stand.
My dark cloud finally shut out any glimmer of light I could see last June.
I would rather not burden the ones I love most with the pain and sadness I felt inside.
I made a choice and I honestly believed that there was only one way to end all of my suffering out of pure desperation. I believed it was the only way the numbness the emptiness and my worthless existence would stop.
By this time my mind was full of only my black cloud. My eyes would only let me see everyone else loving life in light me in the dark. It would remind me that my heart was fragile and how much the world didn't need me.
So how am I still here?
With the quick and intuitive actions of one person she reached out for me and waved the white flag when I was barely moving. And for that I am to the depths of my heart truly thankful.
My partner Paul and sister Amanda. I cannot begin to tell you what your strength, patience, acceptance, understanding, compassion and love have given me in this time. There are not enough words that can describe my gratitude for never, not for a moment, even with my hopelessness and begging did either of you leave me. Neither of you gave up on me for I had given up on myself a long time before now.
Amanda we are sisters nothing will change that but we have a bond neither one of us saw coming. You are my rock, you've been my voice, strength, support and hope. I love you for that. Thank you for always talking about your life and normal things with me and for not treating me different or judging me.
Paul. I not only stopped loving myself but wanted you to stop loving me too. For a long time especially being in hospital I thought you would be better off without me. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and how hopeless you must have felt when you looked at me, the woman you have fallen I love with, in such a dark place. I cannot even say sorry because depression wasn't a choice but allowing myself to feel your love was.
Although we do not plan for things, something stronger than us did bring you to me to face this hard time together. Your strength is my strength and our love is the strongest most powerful emotion I have felt in my body. The energy you given me is so positive it makes my dark cloud have touches of silver lining.
One afternoon on a bad day I asked you not to come to see me. I didn't want you to see me as I was.
I remember it being late afternoon the curtain above my bed was drawn the room was dark apart from a small crack of light that snuck through the short comings of the curtain. I was clutching my arms laying on the bed where I had spent most of the day drowning in painful tears and negative thoughts. When I heard a knock at the door and someone walked in. I knew it was you. Without saying many words you knew I needed you there. You sat in the chair in my room while I had my back turned to you. I could not speak I didn't have the energy to turn. I pleaded for you to leave but instead you came over and held me. I cried so you held me tighter and reminded me that there was no where else you would rather be.
I can say now that there was nowhere else I would have rather be than in your arms and hearing your voice.
I love you.
I am now in a safe and secure place where I am getting the professional help i have needed but was unable to seek on my own.
Every inch of me is feeling now and even though it is near unbearable at least I am feeling and from this pain there will be healing.
I ache in places that have laid dormant for years and I am doubting myself in every action and thought but at least I'm doing it with reason.
I want to eventually be that person who one day can say I came out of their darkest storm.
I know there will be clouds and I have no doubt they will come in their darkest shade when I am expecting sun shine, but I now have hope that when they form and roll into my life I will be able to hold the hand of loved ones and place an umbrella over ours head and just wait for the storm to pass.
And it will, maybe not today, but one day. Depression is only a part of my life it will never be my life. I will not be confined to the constraints of depression again.
I'm in the beginning of a long road to recovery but I'm with you, all of you, who play an important role in my life, my existence and purpose. I will feel, I will love and I will enjoy every part of a happy life I deserve.
This too shall pass because the best is yet to be. That I have a dark cloud over my head and its name is depression.
