MAD[Mightily Anxious & Depressed] seeking any support

[Diatriber79]

Hi everyone, even if anonymous this is hard! I'm a 35 year old who's been depressed & anxious probabaly as far back as I can remember. I always worked but late last year went on holiday & simply fell apart & am only now thinking I can return [probably to a lot of judgement]. I am very used to, but really very tired of, feeling like I'm not worth sh#t & that there's nothing I can offer. I think my head's always been time travelling backward or forward & I've been working on halting this with some good apps that are free thank God. I also attended a couple of GROW groups around the Gold Coast here but that didn't go so well. I think this forum is a good safe idea & I want you all to know that as much as I'd like support, I'm here to offer it as well because I really do understand what it's like to [try and] live with this. Okay well it's out there now. Everything crossed..

[BatGuano]

Thanks for the post.  I used to think that the world was pretty much a crap place where crap people like me had crap lives.

Remember 2001 when 9/11 happened?  That was the year I hit rock bottom:  marriage breakup, lost my awful job.

So I made a decision and got help from a good counsellor.  After a while I had xxxxxxxx (censored) thoughts and went to the psych hospital people in my town.  And got started on the antidepressants.

I've been to GROW too, and its not right for me.  Its not all rainbows and unicorns now but its better.  Just... better.

[kristin]

Hey, like your username! And the topic title 🙂

Really I suspect we're all mad, or perhaps you can only be sane after having experienced mental illness?

I see I've gone into humour here, but I want you to know that your acute sensitivity to exposure of your illness, even anonymously, is very understandable. I would have felt exactly the same way myself up until a couple of years ago. In fact I don't know if I would have had the courage to do this then. I was also pretty paranoid because I live in a small country community and most people here seem to think mental illness is at least as contagious as leprosy.

Your choice of topic title reminds me of a private joke my best friend and I have. Last year she had a birthday party at a restaurant, inviting about 20 close friends (most of whom I didn't know). I had a wonderful time and enjoyed meeting some of the others, felt completely (surprisingly) at ease. When I mentioned this to her afterwards she said "well that's because most of my friends are FITH" (this is her shorthand for "f-ed in the head", having had more hospital admissions than I can count over 30 years this acronym has eveloved from seeing how people with mental illneses get treated). So now we joke about the exclusive FITH Avenue Club we belong to. 🙂 (I hope this makes sense)

BTW This is not to dismiss or minimise the immense suffering that tends to go with mental illness, in fact the reverse. We've both been suffering from "severe" mental illness since our teens and I'm now 50. It may be our warped sense of humour, but somehow when most "normal" people think you are crazy (and treat you that way) you can discover that this illness gives you a lot of insight into the craziness of everyday life, and an appreciation for the things that make life truly worth living (which seem to be of little or no value to most "normal" people).

Best regards,

Kristin

[Annabelle]

You've got my support. I feel exactly the same way.

[Diatriber79]

Hey Kristin

Thanks for responding, I love your attitude. On the days when my attitude & outlook is as healthy as I can reconstruct it to be, the world looks like a different place. I'm not necessarily naturally funny, but I tell you, a sense of humour has saved me many times over & if we didn't have that...? I Love your friend's FITH acronym! If that's not copyrighted I might borrow it 🙂 I am trying to be calm & have some blind faith that if I keep working, working working it is going to improve. Can I ask what changed for you as you mentioned that even a couple of years back you might not be doing this. Thanks Kristin

[Diatriber79]

Hi BatGuano

Thanks for your supportive message. Yes I remember 9/11, that night when watching I felt like my internal horrors were really amplified in the world [not delusional or as if they were connected, just remember feeling horrified & that so much worse could happen than what had happened to me individually]. I'm so sorry to hear that like so many you had such an awful year 😞 I hope some of those unplanned events end up benefitting you when you look back on it? Or that at least you've discovered a strength within yourself? Yep agree about GROW. Anyhow I'll never think the world is a wonderful place but am working on seeing some positives too.

[Diatriber79]

Hi Annabelle

Thanks so much for responding, this was hard to do so feedback means a lot. Can I ask do you mean that you have struggled with depression and anxiety as well? I ask as sometimes it seems like it might be easier to give advice rather than process it for yourself so maybe some of the stuff that I haven't been able to internalise might work for you [not that I have that much advice!] But like I said I'm an ear who's here. And I didn't mean to rhyme.

[BatGuano]

That's my running gag: 'I have Fith Syndrome'

[ml87]

If there's one thing I'm learning is that talking about all of this helps. As hard as it is and as easy as it sounds in theory haha
Try and find at least one safe contact, maybe it's us! There's always someone who thinks your worthwhile, even when we cant see it ourselves. Tell yourself this everyday, i try to remember it when I get scared about those days when not being here seems to be the only thing that makes sense.
YOU are worthwhile
YOU would be missed
YOU are important

[Annabelle]

I have bipolar disorder and suffer periodically with depression and anxiety. If you met me you'd never know unless I told you, but it can be a real struggle to cope with living a 'normal' life. For me, working two days a week is really hard, so is cooking a meal every night.