Our stories
@MoonGal - You really have had a horror 6 weeks havent you? I can related to that I guess because when I have been in therapy on a weekly basis, life is pretty horrible for me too. But as you say I also have my moments when I'm not in therapy as well. Like now.
Oh you poor thing, that is far worse than I had to endure. How frightening to have to go through all that in a remote part of the world. I also suffered a couple of badly prolapsed discs - mine are the L4/5 and the L5/S1. I never had an operation however, as my bowell and bladder was not adversely affected. For me it was mainly nerve pain and muscle atrophy. I could not walk on my left leg for about 6 months. It did improve in time with conservative treatment. One specialist said I needed a laminectomy and another one said it would make little difference to the pain as the nerve damage was permanent. And given the risks of surgery and the fact that I had heard of these operations going wrong and people being worse off afterwards, I continued with conservative treatment.
So like you, I do have permanent nerve damage, parathesia down the left thigh, constant back and leg pain to varying degrees, and also stabbing pain right down the entire leg and the foot. And given that the discs remain unstable there are times that they get themselves out of plumb and I find myself in agony and unable to move a muscle without intense pain. Those are the days I cannot get in or out of bed and crawl around on all fours because I cannot stand up. Barely able to breath without going into severe intensely painful spasms.
So I also continue to live with chronic pain. Life is literally a real 'pain in the butt' at times, as well as being very restrictive. Prior to my injury I used to play a lot of sport, now I cant do any at all. When I am at my best I try to do Pilates classes under strict supervision, but more often than not, I cant do that either. Fortunately my weight has never been an issue, as if I put weight on it would make things that much worse.
My injury happened 3.5 years after my rape trauma which occurred 20 years ago. And it made my PTSD that much worse as well. I had been using my work and my sport as a coping method for my PTSD symptoms. When I suffered my injury I was unable to work for 6 months at all, and since then I have only ever been able to work at best, part time. And sport is now out for me. So I lost my best method of coping. That was really tough for me. And its then that I started to develop OCD, which became my new #1 way of coping with the symptoms of PTSD.
Moongal I am really pleased that you have found such sound comfort and support through these forums and the following of lovely people you have gathered around you.
I find that I have high anxiety ALL the time from my PTSD, but it is during the times when my back and leg pain becomes really bad that I seem to fall into Depression as well and thats when I start having suicidal thoughts. And I worry about that, even though I am confident that I would not follow through. But just the fact that my thoughts turn so easily to that state of mind, is worrying.
You are very lucky that you have a loving and supportive partner and a safe living environment, that must be a great feeling. You do seem a very resilient and 'together' gal, despite all that life has thrown at you, and I admire you greatly for that.
Thankyou for telling me your story, it makes my own seem somewhat insignificant somehow. There is always people worse off than ourselves isnt there? Its always good to be reminded of that. 
Hey @Former-Member, I am SO sorry with what you live with too, hard yards. But I want to say something and hope you hear me...
You said "Thankyou for telling me your story, it makes my own seem somewhat insignificant somehow. There is always people worse off than ourselves isnt there? Its always good to be reminded of that. "
My lived experience and your lived experience are not so different, but even if they were, I tend to shy away from shrinking or thinking what someone else lives with somehow diminishes my own lived experience. Likewise I quail inside if someone reads what I write or hear my story and switch and minimise there own experience in comparison.
Your lived experience, grief, losses, PTSD, loss of sport, loss of safety all of it is hard yards lived. I salute you for still being here 20 years later with a gift to write, a lovely sense of humour and a clear self-mandate towards self-care.
I stopped saying things like "there is always somone worse off than me" and I refute the self-silencing and lack of self-empathy that engenders in me. It's like saying to myself (or having someone else say) Suck it up princess! That is a huge flag to me that empathy has walked out the door (either my own towards my self or other's toward me or whomever they are addressing).
So I do hope we can agree that I am as astounded and feel as deeply for you and your lived experiences of injury and pain and trauma - as you do mine. We resonate I think because we have similar stories. I do hope going on we can be on an equal care-field, because we are both awesome, resilient survivors. (As are all my friends here!)
💖
Thankyou so very much @MoonGal I really appreciate what you just wrote. Its brought a flood of tears, but they are kind of happy tears. Like someone understands. And thats a nice feeling.
