My introduction - Living with PTSD

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@BlueBay@MoonGal@Appleblossom

Hi there everyone.

I have had a very difficult week.  I had to see my GP on Monday because he wanted to see me around the middle of October.  And I delayed it until now because I was about to run out of my medication.  So I had to see him on Monday, no more delays.

Anyway he gave me my medication script and with repeats this time.  So thats good.  But he was not happy because my blood pressure was higher than it should be.  Only up a bit, and as I pointed out to him I do have 'white coat syndrome' where my BP reads much higher in the Drs office than at home.  My husband has high BP so he has a BP reader thing at home.  My BP is consistently between 95/60 and 120/70.  Tending to be on the low side in other words.  But he was concerned that my resting pulse rate was at 112bpm resting. Again I reassured him  that was normal because I was highly anxious about having to see him, but he wouldnt wear it. And I guess because I do have a heart murmur and associated issues he sent me off for a ECG test as well as a whole range of blood tests.  Just to be on the cautious side.  Although I wasnt happy, but I had the tests all done on Wednesday. I hadnt had any of the usual diagnostic blood tests in almost 5 years anyway, so it was overdue.

Anyway today I got a call from my GP office to say that my GP wants to see me again regarding some test results.  Damn!  I have no idea what the issue is.  If I had to guess I would say it could be that my cholesterol could be up a bit.  Last time I had blood tests it was kind of borderline.  Anyway I wont know until Mondays appointment.  I'm sure its a minor issue, but I cant help worrying nonetheless.

And today I saw my clinical psychologist.  She had contacted me a couple of weeks ago to see how I was doing.  I told her and she said I'd best come in and see her.  So that was today.  We had a good long talk about 'everything' and I have another appointment in 2 weeks time.

So where I had hoped that I'd get these two appointments done and out of the way this week, now I have another two coming up over the coming 2 weeks.  I really hate this!

My brother who is currently suicidal and being monitored very closely by a team of carers, had a court hearing yesterday regarding the accident he was involved in a little over 12 months ago.  I have spoken to him several times the past couple of days, and he is not good at all.  I am very concerned for him.  I guess at least he does now have a date for his court case ... the end of March next year.  Such a long time for him to wait.  When I know all he wants is to get it all over and done with.  So hard.

Tonight I am just feeling totally defeated and so sad. I think life really is just too hard for me.  I am tired of constantly fighting.  I'm tired of always feeling this way!  I'm fed up with nothing changing, nothing ever improving.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think there are a few on the forums tonight struggling like this @Former-Member .... 

Can you call Lifeline for more support ?  I am hoping having vented here, and finding forum family hearing you will help .... but maybe the counsellor's there can give you more practical action to take in terms of self-care ?  When your emotional batteries have run flat, you might need the RAC with jump-leads along with a tow and a hot cup of tea from those walking with you ....

Please keep chatting.  I will be around for a while.  It is a lot you are carrying ....

❤️🌷💕

[PurpleFlowers]

Hi @Former-Member

I am sorry to hear your having such a difficult time (lots of challenges).  I just want to acknowledge how your feeling (constantly fighting, defeated and sad), it is exhausting to say the least.  I live with complex ptsd and it feels like a full-time job looking after yourself and then managing all the other things we do in daily life.  Being something that is quite often hidden from others doesnt much get the care, nuturing or respect that some other more visible illnesses receive.  I know I cant change your circumstances but I can acknowledge your struggle and hope that today is a better day for you.  Courage and resilience is what I think my fellow ptsd survivors have plenty of. Wishing you well from @PurpleFlowers.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Good morning @PurpleFlowers ..... lovely to meet you ....

How are you this morning @Former-Member ?  Thinking of you and hoping today is a more hopeful day ....

💜💕🌷💐💗

[PurpleFlowers]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope, thank you and lovely to meet you as well...

[Former-Member]

hi @Former-Member,

i too suffer ptsd along with other anxiety disorders. i was also sexually abused/raped as a child by 4 different men between the ages of 3 and 9. only one of my abusers has been convicted but he was caught in the act and i was only one of 28 girls he sexually abused/raped and most of us r his daughters my own mother being his step daughter and i his biological daughter. to this day i still have to attend or write to the court because of him its been 19 years since he was convicted and he was suppose to be locked up for 40 years he was out after 12 and continues to fight the court about his parole conditions. my other abusers have not been to convicted an i suppose never will now. i do find it hard sometimes my mother only knows about the first one and i dont have any intentions of telling her. when i was nine after the last time i was raped my best friend took her life and i tried not long after but failed i turned to stealing alcohol i was 12 before it was noticed that i was drinking not that i actually hid the fact actually having told police that my drink bottle was filled with rum and coke when i was 10 but was called an attention seeker and told to stop lieing. i now see a psychologist but despite seeing her a whole year i dont feel like its getting any easier to cope

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. It is so important for all of us to know that we are not alone. Some will have shared experiences of trauma and can relate at that level, both to the abuse, but more importantly to the survival and recovery ..... the adaptability and resilience of the human spirit is truly amazing .... but it also takes a lot of love, compassion, perseverance and understanding to heal and move forward, an that's what these forums are about .....

I don't have the same sort of life experience, but listening to others who do, it means rebuilding ..... restoring .... and it's a long, arduous journey, but it does bring resolution out of courage.

Well done on achieving your first year of counselling. You have probably moved forward in ways you can't see yet .... but keep going .... recovery is so important .... success is the best antidote ever .... but it is something you need to keep reaching for ....

We are here to walk with you ....

🌷💜

[MoonGal]

Hey @Former-Member 🌹

It is always hard to claw ourselves back from the clutches of sadness, defeat and feeling done in, yet I am sure that you have before and can call on your experience of similar times. You are a long term survivor. What have you done in the past to reset your mind and outlook? Do you have a toolkit gleaned from your many years of survival and overcoming to dip into now? It is so hard to see the wood for the trees when we get so burned out. I wonder if there is one thing you can do to start picking yourself up? Bottom line make no big life decisions in this place, just come back to the moment. Worn all together the worries and challenges are very heavy - broken down to their individual parts they are doable. 

In the end the results of your tests will be what they are and a new challenge to embrace and move through - and while your brother's life is so very difficult and he is in extremis - it sounds like he has a team of people around him to care for him, so he is as safe as he can be.

Is there something you can do today to step out of the suffocating swaddle of pressing problems and focus on something else for a while?

What is your favourite doable activity? Could you choose to do that? 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member  

I haven't felt up to saying much on the forums lately.  

I think that I am feeling like you do, that life is just too hard.  But, I just wanted to let you know that I read your message and I understand what you are feeling.  I go through this often. This week in particular has been very emotionally draining.  I mentioned a bit about it on the "sleeping too much" thread a few days ago.  

Sorry to hear that you are struggling alot lately.  It must be very difficult for you hearing what your brother is going through.  This would be draining alot of your energy.  

How are you coping your own?  Are you able to sleep? 

Yes, it is very annoying having to go to appointments.  I hope that the results are ok.  I've had very high cholestorol for years, but I don't take medication for it.  I changed my diet and I heard that the most important thing to do for it is exercise, so I try to do that often.  (not always easy).

I've had to cancel a couple of my psychologist appointments lately.  I have felt too drained to drive up there and I really need to keep practising the mindfulness.  I believe that will really help the PTSD etc.

Do you feel lonely with your partner/hubby away?  Or are you enjoying your time alone? I hope that you are able to do something nice for yourself.  Like a massage or something like that.

Look forward to hearing from you.  

[Former-Member]

Hi to @Former-Member Nice to meet you. 

Hi @PurpleFlowers  Nice to meet you too.  

Hi @MoonGal  

Hi @Faith-and-Hope    

Air con is on, it's super hot here.