Hi @Bec, and thanks for getting back to me last night. It looks like it was quite a party at the Beer Garden last night. All a bit much for me I'm afraid. I expect once I get to know a few more people, it may be a little easier. So perhaps another time I will get to enjoy all you good people's company over a drink.
Yes I agree, everyone's experience of trauma is different, even if the circumstances are similar. But the aftermath is unfortunately very much the same.
You have been through a number of dreadful experiences Bec, so you are doing incredibly well to be where you are currently at - still battling on. Thankyou for sharing some of those traumatic experiences with me too.
Yes, I too found EMDR to be incredibly hard process. During therapy we actually targeted 4 different components of my trauma and processed each part seperately. The most difficult part was immediately after the actual rape, where I felt my life was threatened.
I still dont know what happened - either I blacked out, or else I dissociated for a time. My psych says probably the latter, and that I am never likely to recall that part. Maybe thats a good thing? All I remember is becoming aware a couple of hours later, crumpled up in the corner of the room - cold, confused, sore all over and throwing up everywhere. Pretty awful.
Anyway it was when we were targetting this part of the memory, where I actually thought I would die, that I had the most problems. Several times my therapist had to call a halt to the session because she couldnt get me back from reliving that part. She said it would be too dangerous to continue, so she aborted the sessions.
But even the less difficult parts, left me in a highly anxious state with renewed nightmares and flashbacks for up to a week. But gradually as therapy continued, my reactions became less intense and the length of time it took to recover afterwards also reduced.
So yes, even though I only completed my EMDR therapy about a month ago, it has definitely helped. As far as the anxiety goes - that will always be there unfortunately. As my psych says - people with ptsd already have an anxiety bucket which is nearly full. It doesnt take much to spill over. So this means that even everyday things which happen as a matter of course during life, can put us over the edge into very high anxiety states.
So this is what I need to work on next. I have been trying to learn Mindfulness, which I find very difficult because my brain just wants to run at 100 miles an hour. But I am getting there. Breathing exercises I also use, which my psych gave me too. It does all help. And I try to keep distracted when things get difficult.
I totally understand your thoughts about 'damaged goods' Bec. I still feel that way also. My heart tells me that that is the case, and yet my brain knows that it really isnt the case at all.
You are no less of a wonderful person because of what happened to you. None of it was your fault. When you meet the right person and enter into a close relationship, that person will respect you even more for what you have had to go through. Have faith in yourself Bec.
Sorry you had a crap day yesterday. You are welcome to come and 'vent' on my forum thingy here anytime you like. Please dont delete your post. I hope today is a better day for you. Talk again soon. 
Hi @Former-Member Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I still haven't been able to get on top of things, but wanted to thank you for the info on Exposure Therapy.
I have had quite a bit of different therapy. Then I worked on myself for a long time and recently started having EMDR with a psychologist. I have had 6 visits with her and have tried the EMDR twice. So far I haven't found any relief with the EMDR. I am sure it works, but unfortunately I have a "protective wall" which goes up. I am so used to having a "protective wall" that I don't even know I'm doing it. I want the EMDR to work so much, it is very frustrating. It took alot for me to make an appointment etc. Last week was the worst, as I became very stressed in the traffic and had trouble finding a park. By the time I got to the psychologist I was so stressed and shakey. I haven't been able to get myself back up since then.
Sometimes I feel like I am going ahead, then I go backwards again. When I look back, I am better than I used to be. I have read alot of self help books, eat healthy and try to exercise every day (not always possible). I take different vitamins etc. Have tried MANY anti depressants. They all made me feel worse. I wish they did help me, as it is very difficult living life with PTSD, anxiety and depression etc...................
I was raped when I was a teenager, kept it to myself until I was an adult. Was raped again in my 20's and again in my 30's. Have had alot of abuse, physical and emotional, most of my life. I'm sounding like a whinger now. I'm not used to talking about it all. Life has been a roller coaster and still is. But it is gradually getting better. But healing is too slow. I really don't understand why it is taking so long to feel well. I feel so sad, tired and depressed again today. I don't like to be negative, but I guess I am searching for an answer to all this.
I am married and have a teenager. I find being married very difficult.
Sorry for the whinge. I was going to reply when I was feeling a bit better, but it's taking longer than I expected.
How are you feeling today?
It's good that you can chat about your experience. It certainly helps to talk about it. Holding it in only causes us to be depressed etc. What happened to us wasn't our fault and we should never feel guilty or ashamed about something someone did to us.
I was wondering what "community guide" means as well.
Anyway, I hope that I haven't been too negative in my reply. Look forward to chatting. 