Lived Experience Forum

[MDT]

Hey well said @Owlunar

"I guess the only way to go through life is one day at a time - and not think too much about the future"

Couldn't agree more tbh.

Today was weird then bad. Saw partner at lunch so that was nice.
Then got bad in arvo

But rescued myself fro the depths in the afternoon.

I'm catching myself out more and more so I'm happy about that. I sometimes fear I may something more than anxiety like psychosis or something. Some of the thoughts I have and the ideas that enter my mind.... dear oh dear....


Anyway. Headed home now. My housemate has covid (apparently) but idk. Don't really care tbh.

More interested in my dinner right now


But anyway I am happy with myself for bringing myself out of the rut.

@TAB @StuF

[MDT]

Apologies @Owlunar

I tagged some other forumites on my post

[TAB]

yes, not your problem re housemate @MDT 

[Zoe7]

@Owlunar 💙💙💙💙💙

[outlander]

sending love @Owlunar

[Owlunar]

Thanks @outlander 

It all helps - yesterday I needed time to recover from a visit to a dentist I didn't know and I feel better today - I still have to go through all of the procedures though - and you know what that's like.

I hope you are as well as you can be - you do not have an easy road to walk either

Best thoughts

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Zoe7 

I am feeling a lot better today - I still have to go through the procedures of course and will have the "nerves" about it again - this I know and accept.

I did text my daughter yesterday - she was okay - she suggested a second opinion and to look at other options - seeing as I have already discussed this with my own dentist I know my choice is two dental implants. It's amazing she thinks I would not have thought of all this myself - I have known this time would come for years - it's amazing my bottom partial denture lasted as long as it did - I have the luck of the Irish - obviously.

It's important that we all take the choice we think is the best for us - that gives us the power to endure.

Keep safe and rest when you can.

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

Hi @MDT 

It's not a problem that you tagged other forumites into my thread - the conversation will continue regardless - and the more people the more content.

I think life gets easier when we add a few birthdays - of course big events are stressful even if they are pleasant - e.g. getting married, buying a house, having your first child - all wonderful things but major stressors - 

So I guess we practise o the easier issues first and work our way up - then the years really pile up and there are other things to deal with - and current affairs sometimes make me glad I am of the older generation.

You're doing well Hams

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

Hi @Oaktree 

I said I would tell you a little about my son - it's okay - he died 37 years ago and it was his choice and I know he is at peace now.

We adopted him when he was two weeks old - he looked like an Anglo-Celtic child - it proved not the case - he was of our First Nations People - I am still actually very proud of this - my family though - was racist - and they were upset that I believed this - I found the truth when I had a brief contact with his birth mother after he had died. Then I had his statistics entered into the Aboriginal Deaths in Custody. I feel strongly for the state of affairs of our First Nations People.

He was a very unhappy baby and this increased as he got older - he had mental illness and physical issues - he got into trouble with the police and this became worse. My father had a very high profile in this state and this was too hard for my parents to deal with - so - the trouble I had with them meant at my age - as an adult - I felt I had the right to make unpopular decisions about him, my marriage (I'm divorced) and my name actually - and rarely saw them for decades - this was very hard - I made it up with my father before he died - this was never the case with my mother and I saw her dying with regrets - no one needs to go with regrets.

My son died in Juvenile Detention when he was 16 - I feel okay about this now after so long - actually - it was the most important thing that ever happened to me - his life and his death changed me for the better - I stuck by him regardless of my family's attitude - and therefore - know I did the right thing as hard as it was.

This issues with my parents are something I am dealing with now - I had suppressed a lot and the events of the last few weeks brought them all up - it's very easy talking with my new therapist - I never forget what I never thought about - I knew it was there - and it's great to really look at things and put them into a better frame for my remaining life-time

Thanks for asking - I don't mind sharing - I hope it's okay with you though

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[MDT]

You're quite right about that point about birthdays @Owlunar 

I mean I'm only 29 but I remember what I was like at 19 - ten years ago. I don't even recognise who that person is. I don't say this with any disdain or anger - though in the past I have done so. But there was no utility or good in doing so..... why be angry at past versions of ourselves. In those days I was someone else and I am someone else now. I've changed because I am human. 

Even who I was this time last year is different. I had this realisation a few months back when I was out walking near my family home - realising that the surrounds had barely changed but that I had changed so much. Even when someone from my past came by Sydney not too long ago - from Warsaw - where I did the course for 1 weekend. It was like a loop closing out. 

I have moments where I'm almost reduced to tears at how beautiful life is. I think solsynitzen or Dostoyevsky said that beauty would save the world. I have moments like this so much more now. 

I just drew this (i'll add it once i post this) - for now in my life i no longer feel like a square peg fitting into a round hole. I feel that the hole adapted and so did i - and now there is a new version of me (the hexagon peg) and a new hole (the hexagon hole). 

Patience is the thing that worked for me maybe. But being patient isn't the same as being idle or bored. Patience is endurance and maybe now I have finally landed (somewhere is better than nowhere or being led astray, or being a sheep). I've landed here and maybe this is enough. I saw a quote at a pub recently that said "maybe the grass is greener on the other side, but I'll just keep watering mine". I think that's what it said - but my version of it is better either way. 

Insecurity is fueled by so much external influence. To  be unconventional (and not in an ironic way) but to actually BE unconventional is something I am so comfortable with. I think this is security. An individualist mindset maybe. 

I think that balance between what is wonderful and what is stressful is a key one - the stressors should be worth the burden IF it means the wonderful thing can continue. That is where meaning is to be found.