Lived Experience Forum

[Owlunar]

Hi @Shaz51 

I read that you were recently bereaved - your uncle I think - that is a hard thing to deal with - even when they are elderly - people keep dropping off the family tree and this is truth - and reality - I have had a lot of relatives die since 2003 - it never gets easier - and I am for you - and with you in spirit - still getting over my own uncle last year - we were very close until he got Alzheimer's.

You mum though - that is harder still - my mother lost the plot when Dad died and she really changed with everyone - she was angry more with me I think because I resemble my father - so yes - I felt guilty because I would not visit someone who yelled and screamed at me - and I know there was no need for that - and no need for you to feel guilty either - that  you have to leave your mother when she is in aged care - of course she doesn't understand - I think she was getting a bit vague before she broke her second hip - I hadn't heard that before - and she would need professional and on-going help you couldn't provide. Totally understandable and so sad for you - I am with you in spirit - I would not want to do in aged care either - but I am independent when I am not so injured - okay here alone actually. I really see the picture and I have known you for years and you really did care for your mother in so many different ways - I care Shaz.

After my son died - nearly 37 years ago now - I felt guilty - and I went to speak to the chaplain at the university when I was studying part-time as a mature age student. What he said to me was so important I am going to post it in bold fonts so everyone who follows will see it - and it worked for me.

Some life events will cause us to feel guilty about the role we played or didn't play during the that life event - the truth is that the more guilt we feel the less we need to feel it. The less guilt people feel may mean they should be feeling it.

So ease up on the guilt Shaz - you have done so much for your mother - more than I ever did for mine - though I have a sister who was just thrilled to bits to have our parents affairs to deal with - I have stopped feeling bad about not visiting my mother and my son's death.

Dreaming at dawn

We can only do what is humanly possible - take it easy on yourself Shaz - this is a hard time for you - I know - and you still have Mr Shaz getting anxious all the time and then there is your own health - you do a terrific job with all of this - we all know this here

Sending you my love Shaz

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

The post got a little messy when I posted the picture - it's one of my enhanced photos - using filters - I have a lot more to post in time

All the best

[Owlunar]

@Zoe7 @Shaz51 @Appleblossom 

Hi everyone

It seems we are all going through trials atm and this is not at all easy - we somehow keep on keeping on though - I will not be a Pollyanna about this - it is hard yards and we are allowed to be unhappy at times - now seems to be the right time.

My daughter - I am unhappy, disappointed and angry with her - and I am allowed to be - I don't intend to tell her how much - I think though when it comes to old age homes she has crossed the line - that is set in concrete - that old age homes is a dirty word for me and I have no intention of going there.

I have contacts and the young woman who came to help me wash and get dressed today has worked there and knows a bit - it's not for me - and we can't see the future - I am to clear in my mind - and strong willed - and my life is interesting.

The burn on my arm might scar - it is healing well - I do heal fast - I only have one patch under the bandage and another one over a small patch away from the bandage. It is in the itchy stage now which is a good sign and my shoulder is complaining about doing things because it had a rest but this does not run my life.

I don't want to change anything about my daughter - I never have - her opinions are her business and it would be polite if she didn't share them. I don't share mine - and I think she has a lot to learn and life will teach her if she wants to learn. It's up to her - as it is for everyone - I have always wanted to learn and I have.

And I know enough to keep my distance right now.

I am with all of you tonight - I am having discomfort typing at the moment but I am here - not in a hospital out of touch - 

Best wishes to all of you

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Appleblossom]

Hey Mumma Bear @Owlunar You be you.

Just quickly saying I am a lot better today.

I had a very hard week, not enough sleep etc, but guess what on the bright side I did not have any coffee!  Saving all that money ... ha ha  ... I was so wired I did not need it. I have not stood firm with people on many things but I am learning

Seeing a way through the clouds and the turbulent waves. 

Hope you do to.

.

[Owlunar]

@Appleblossom @Zoe7 @Shaz51 

Hi peeps - I am feeling a lot better today - I had my arm dressed yesterday and again - less bandages - I have more movement in my elbow.

My daughter rang today - I am not thrilled about the conversation - I asked her why I should be in an old age home - she replied that I had scalded myself and that I say strange things she doesn't understand - 

I told her that was her interpretation - she was entitled to it

And I told her that old age home is not on - the line has been set in concrete and that's the end of the conversation - let's change the subject.

She hung up on me.

After a short spell she rang back and said her battery at run out - that may or may not be true - the conversation staggered along until she told me I was slurring my words - yes - I was - I told her then I had broken a tooth teeth holding my lower partial and need a dental implant and I didn't have my bottom partial in - and - and-and-and - all the slurred speech she has be blaming on my medication has been due to this issue with the lower partial causing sores in my mouth - I have been leaving it out - no doubt she thinks these "strange things" have been indicative of a mental deterioration - the problem is all in her mind and in her court.

Not my problem - as much as dental work scares me I will have the implant though I have to have an appointment with an oral surgeon and naturally my bones need to be okay or it. My daughter insists my dentist can answer this - it is a conversation I have already had with my dentist. A lot of my teeth broke because of a bad bite, big fillings and tooth-grinding. My lower jaw will not hold a denture without that tooth - and I do have a wisdom tooth as an anchor.

I am tired of my daughter with her simplistic answers to problems I am working out - I have had enough - I love and respect her and I have let her live her live without interference - I don't want to lose her but she is losing me. 

I am grieving

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Appleblossom]

Hearing you @Owlunar 

Generation gaps are difficult. Not heard the term much these days, but it seems quite common.  One's whole living circumstances need careful thought and there is NOTHING gained by going into aged care prematurely. You have said it is not on, so that should be enough.  I am glad you are getting some help at home and I hope that can increase as and when you need.

Accidents happen. I am pretty sick of the dementia conversation. No point in living in fear or cloesely watching for signs ... etc ...weary sigh.

I have made decision not to go into a retiremnt village cos of all the extra rules and them not permitting my son to visit or live with me.

Take Care

Apple

[Owlunar]

@Appleblossom 

Hi Apple - if you are happy enough where you are living why go into a retirement village with rules and regulations? - can you have a pet? Can you remain in your room reading all day if that's your whim? 

I am astounded your son can't visit - that is ridiculous - amazing - I would think he could even live with you - if you want that - that's strange - but that's aged care I guess.

I am over my daughter - I scored high on one of those tests with all those stupid questions - man - that was so weird. I get one of these checks every year at my GPs clinic - I am not doing it this year - I already got insulted while I was in hospital.

I am okay - having the bandage lessened has increased the use of my arm - the shoulder will always be painful - I can live with that - and choose too. I am in the process of getting more help - it's not easily available.

And you were right - my daughter doesn't know me and I guess she never will - I am sorry about that - still I have told her where to get off - and that was something I have never done before and tonight - I reflect - I am glad I have.

All the best Apple - care heaps - and wherever you are now you can have your son with you or not as suits both of you.

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

Hi @EternalFlower 

I'm tagging you into my thread - the people here are lovely

Welcome

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Appleblossom]

I visited my mother in Palliative care @Owlunar but that was different.  She liked the idea of going into aged care but got cancer and was in for 9 months before she passed away. It was the right thing for her.  I also visited an older friend, who found it all a bit invasive. Her daughter was very insistent she be there and was living in my friend's home. I took my friend on a week holiday.  

I hope your shoulder is not too bad.  Pain and growing old aint for cissies.  I know you are a warrior woman in the finest sense.

[Owlunar]

@Appleblossom 

Thanks Apple - this world is a tough place for the elderly - getting off the bus requires a great deal of assertion - e.g. - "Excuse me - Excuse me!" - in a firm voice and refusing to move until they do - and that's not counting the school children - but I continue to use the bus now I have started.

And pain is invisible - so you are so right - this time of life is no place for cissies and thank God - I have never been one.

If your Mum was happy to go to aged care then it was right for her - and then palliative care - yes - that's the right call - and it had to be hard for you - I understand.

Personally I don't believe my mother needed aged care - she went into a classy palace with Dad when he got too hard for her to manage - he had lost his vision and short term memory and he was frail - oddly enough - I could see my father's humanity during the time his health failed - after he died my mother lost the plot - I guess it was just too hard for her - and she needed higher level care -

That road is not for me - I saw an elderly lady when I was at the pain clinic last week - and I saw her date of birth on the form we all have to fill out when we go there - and she was just a few months younger than me - I was astounded at her frailty - she could hardly stand and walk - it felt shocking - 

People don't believe I am nearly 80 - I am told I look like I am in my early 60s - it's strange - 

I need to eat something - I have someone coming to help me wash and change my clothes soon I hope - and have a visit with my GP early after and the timing can be tricky - 

I don't know how to give up Apple - it's just not on my agendum

Thanks heaps

Owlunar

[Appleblossom]

@Owlunar 

I am glad to learn from you, some of firm independent spirit  and not giving up style.  

So you know the aged care deal, you know your own health needs, and in your wisdom have made a stand.  I have been to 3 aged care palaces in the inner east, doing performances and visiting, as well as the one in the north for my mother, and a handful out west, where mainly doing performances.  So I have seen a few too.

In the meantime, we paddle or swim through deep puddles, and even might make a few splashes. I spent a lot of time with plants & animals ... lol

Good night

Apple