Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

so my seventeen year old granddaughter has just got her bottom lip pierced  twice. To say I don't approve is the understatement of the century.  Now I know it could be much worse. She could be sleeping around, doing drugs  over indulging in alcohol to name a few. She's a pretty girl and this does nothing to ad to her appearance. I know I hear some say. It's about their individualities. Making themselves different.

i just must be getting old. For me as a teenager it was platform shoes bell bottom pants  beehive hair do.

the boys, mods and rockers ( boy gangs really) but even they were clean cut, were known to carry knives.

,then the teddy boys.The worst we got up to was smooking behinds the bike sheds at school. If a girl got pregnant, it was shame on the whole family.

Certainly in many ways I wouldn't  go back there. I know my generation had Elvis and the like which our parents didn't approve of.

well at the end of the day she can always take them out. Better that a tattoo . I won't get started on that one either.

well I have told her I love her very much, I just don't approve of this.

[-karma-]

Hi @Chris

I'm a generation in between and I to find the piercing tattooing state of things a bit over the top!

The beach is the real place to see this in its glory!

I always have a laugh to myself, thinking of those working in nursing homes in the future, and how a tattoo on a wrinkly gentrified bottom or bosom will look, laugh!

I guess what we are really talking about is subculture, each era has had theirs, some subcultures even experience a revival. Ultimately, this is an exploration of self in the world and where we belong.

[Eagle]

Hi @Chris

I had a similar situation to you.

I got to a point where I realised 'dissaproval' doesn't help anyone.. and actually did more damage to me and the relationship with that person.

What I keep in mind is that as long as the person hasn't changed 'on the inside' - if they are still wonderful, well intentioned and kind - and their key qualities haven't changed, then I need to just deal with it.

If their physical change is linked to something more serious (peer pressure, increased drinking, drug taking, dropping out of school etc) then I look at the whole picture of what's going on.

It's lovely that you told her you still love her

I have a giggle when I think about the younger generation having to deal with similar situations when they are 'older' and they finally realise 'oh! I'm like my Grandma, now I understand!'

[Terry]

I know i'm a know-it-all, but my advice is to not bother disapproving too much - all young people go through rebellious 'testing' stages whilst finding themselves.  My generation got their ears pierced, which my mother found barbarous.  Such piercings, i'm sure, would grow over again one day, and if they don't, there's not a lick of difference you can make.  Individuals don't like to be controlled, generally speaking, and ALL teenagers do rebellious things.  What is most important for ALL indiviudals is that they know they are loved unconditionally.  God bless.

[Chris]

I love them all unconditionally.and they know that. But sometimes i dont like the choices. We were all young once and did things parents didnt aprove off. Thats life. 

[ivana]

Im much younger than you but i dont like piercings either.

I wouldn't bother with the "approval bit" though.

Do you think its just her personal taste or do you think your(or her parent?) disliking of it has "drawn her to it'?

Ie:some kids if they know their parent/grandparent doesnt like something it may make them want to "rebel" and get it more whereas if the parent (or other) didnt care all that much they wouldnt be that interested in getting it.

We cant really change other but we can examine ourselves and change ourselves and sometimes by changing ourselves other end up changing too if that makes sense.

IOW:you mentioned your daughters pretty and thats partly why it bothers you because it doesn't (in your perception) "add to her looks" .Do you think that you personally value people off looks or do you put excessive focus on looks?

Sometimes if a parent (or maybe grandparent?) puts excessive focus on looks or that people are pretty it can cause the 'child' to "swing the other way".

Is it the piercing itself that bothers you or would you be bothered also if she did something else that (in your view) "took away from her looks" such as got a boyish short haircut and wore loose wrinkled clothing?

Perhaps the aboves not relevant in your circumstance but i personally have very looks/beauty focussed parents and it can cause an offspring to feel immense pressure to look good/look a certain way or alternatively some children may go the other way and become "bohemian" or "alternative" in their "presentation".