Thank you all especially @Zoe7 @outlander
A gorgeous concept, that musical umbrella. I will treasure it and keep trying to practise it. @Maggie
So I think I hit bottom, drove son to station, hand washing half done, one load on, and I have started to clean now I have house to myself, and now some anger has kicked in and I could probably whip myself into a frenzy.
Probably best I spare myself a self generated storm, pop a pill and stay calm.
I think I should reduce time online and on the forum and get my personal surroundings in order, but I will still keep popping in.
One ironic twist of positive bit of news is the Monsanto ruling for school gardener re round up as a human carcinogen. 2 years ago I mentioned it on this forum and some passing dude had a go that I was out leftie. I am not really, more an aspie who does her research at top level unis, before she forms her opinions. So its officially mainstream Monsanto has judgements against them and pile of cases to come, ah yeah, but I know they will hide behind Bayer's big legal and funding skirts...
hey who would have thought Bayer is big Pharma ...
What happens when a society does not listen??
The available emoticons should distnguish between mad and anger, not conflate the them.
Anyway thank you to the bunch of listeners who have gathered here. I am going trying to manage this low gently, responsibly, but not alone. I have acknowledged my despair and anger, and will try and let them go.
I hope you all have a good night.
I have a lot of cleaning and sorting to do and gotta get some music done.
Sometimes others presume without knowing and that is to their detriment not yours - we don't always need to challenge those assumptions as we take the moral high ground @Appleblossom - that is where you sit here Hon.
Goodluck with the cleaning, sorting and music and FYI always listening here even if I do not always acknowledge that @Appleblossom - hugs and hugs
I had a serious conversation yesterday with MH worker and today about my own suicidality, and due to upcoming motherhood anniversary I expect mood to be low.
Sweetie @outlander I know you mean well and your post is lovely but it is not where I am really at, except for the bit about, not being more or "less"? than I am. There are generational differences, that are real. but Thank you for being there, hanging on, and being open and caring.
You know I dont even know how many ..
Judgements and Warrants I have personally issued, doing my job for that iconic unit "the tax payer", or how many statements to reccommend fraud investigations. I reflect on those days and dont regret my actions. I stayed within guidelines of documented information, law and decency and never went in hard on vulnerable people. I earned my pay. but I saw from inside the games people play who dont identify as having mental illness, but are probably sociopaths anyway.
WTF is this country doing?
I wrote letter to environment minister to ask he not make my govt a laughing stock by making dumb uninformed party line decisions re WATER and MINING.
Dont have a university if you are not going to listen ito it.
Of course I would prefer to do music.
Popped pill, but not too many ...
Loos done, kitchen rubbish and tomorrow nights bin is out (cos out in cold) so I can rest easier and not worry about upsetting anyone by mentioning it. Cos apparently the Royal Commission Reclaim therapy dude thinks/actually said, my son's problems are all my fault.
Wash is hung and next load on.
Of course its easier to do cleaning when kids are out.
All the female and male tasks are attended to ...plumbing, car, bills paid, chauffeuring within reasonable non disempowerling limits.
TICK TICK TICK
I think I need to find my own brand of self care. I done all the soft things, and still need to do some, but gotta get my act together.
Take Care All
Maybe this is what a "mixed state" is
im not really sure what to say so ill send some hugs and sit here quietly with you
Please take care of yourself