Enough is enough

[Former-Member]

I wasn't entirely sure which topic to put this under so hopefully this is okay. 

In another thread I mentioned that this year I need to claw my way back to where I was in early 2015 before everything fell apart for me. This isn't just something I want to do... I really have to do it or there will be no point to anything. My work/career is the reason I'm alive. 

The problem is I'm actually quite scared that I won't be able to do it. I know I need to try to fill my mind with academic stuff and not shitty MH stuff. I need to ignore the noise and everything else and just focus on the big ideas. They used to be my reason for breathing and I know they can be again - I just need to immerse myself in them. 

I'm doing better at that now than I was a couple of months ago but there is time pressure. I have deadlines. I need to get it together. Not slowly and steadily but right now. 

Hopefully the audience in my head is listening :-s

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

I don't believe we have crossed path - so a big hello!

You sound like a very determined person!

From what I have seen from others, it's about balance that it's important. While MH health stuff sucks, it's important to keep in intact so it doesn't impact on all the things you want to achieve. This might mean checking in with a psychologist monthly, mindfulness practice every second day (I'm just naming things for the sake of the example )

If you have a plan in place to maintain your MH, that should cut out all the 'noise' that might impact your career.

What have you been doing differently lately that has seen you do better in the past couple of months?

[Former-Member]

Thanks @NikNik. I'm trying to be determined.... so I'm glad that I sound that way 🙂

There are a few things that are different. One is medication - I'm hoping that's the reason I can think again. The other possibility is... more tricky. I'm voting for the medication being responsible.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Former-Member,

The deadlines and pressure within academic settings can create anxiety, which can impact on our ability to follow things through and focus.

As @NikNik suggested caring for you MH is important, so having a plan can help. 

The other thing I wondered about was setting realistic goals based on how you're feeling. For instance, if you want to work 8 hours each day, is it realistic to expect that you are going to analytical work for that whole time. Perhaps break the day down. Choose times when you're at your best to focus on the more intensive work, and then perhaps the rest of the day can be on lighter stuff (e.g., finding resources, writing notes, etc).

I find the pomodoro technique can also be a helpful way of focusing attention, and getting work done. If I'm writing. 

The other thing that i think is important is to schedule in self-care. Looking after yourself can have huge impacts on your over well-being, which can help give you clarity and feel relaxed.

Hope this helps a little,

CherryBomb

[Former-Member]

That helps a lot @CherryBomb - thank you 🙂

I do need to get some serious writing done because I have a deadline and am way behind where I should be at this point. I have a medical certificate from the hospital covering 3 weeks and could get another certificate if I needed it in order for the deadline to be extended but I'm really reluctant to do that. Fortunately, the hospital just wrote "a medical condition" and didn't specify but I'm still really aware than the more vague I am, the more people wonder what's really going on. 

I think it might be helpful to schedule the way you suggest though, and if necessary, use the certificate I have, to get more time. Thanks!

[Former-Member]

It's not working very well :-s 

I'm not sure if I can say why without breaking a rule. 

I feel like giving up. I'll move back to my house in the country and raise llamas!

Intellectual stimulation is great but what is it worth really.I"m not sure that it is worth this 😞

[CherryBomb]

Aww @Former-Member,

You very sound stressed. I can see why you're question if it's really worth it. Doing post-graduate reearch, I can really relate. 

I guess it comes down to what choices are aligned more to values? In other words, what path can you foresee will bring more to your life?

May I ask when your deadline?

Does breaking it down into little steps help?

CB

[Former-Member]

Thanks @CherryBomb. I think I'm just tired and worried because I know that what I'm producing isn't as good as it should be. It isn't as good as it would have been 6 months ago and I'm afraid that I won't be able to continue holding things together (or at least appearing to the outside world as if I'm holding it together!)

There's no way I can back out really though. I'm committed to this... so I just need to find a way to do better.

It's made worse by the fact that I'm physically unwell and can't get medical help because they'll force me to get treated in hospital. My body just wants to sleep all day so my first battle is to stay awake!

Sorry for all the whining. Things could be far worse really. 

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Former-Member

one way I managed to deal with study was to reduce the requirement to excell all the time.  Be business like ... get it in ... good enough is ok ... no-one can do perfect anyway .. each deadline managed does give one a sense of accomplishment and confidence.

yeah so my marks dropped a notch .. doesnt matter in long term.

Hope you are doing ok

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the reply @Appleblossom. I do have a lot of pressure to perform. I'm doing a PhD in a competitive field at a high(est) ranked university so while all my colleagues are very kind, and probably feel almost as daunted as I do, they're also incredibly smart while I'm not. I don't know how I ended up studying here to be honest. I feel like everything I write is sh*t. 

As well as that, I have to do paid teaching work and work in my profession in order to pay bills and because it's expected. 

I missed the career discussion on the forums today about the benefits of work because I was working(!) but I read the thread and it was really interesting. I used to believe I was completely unemployable and would never be able to hold down a job. Then my mental health improved and I was able to get educated and then obtain a great job, but I kind of took it the extreme and made my career my life. Work saved my life and then became my reason for living.

I don't even know what I want now. Some days I want to push all the instability back in its box and make myself all about work again so that I can do what I need to.... but most other days I feel like that's either too hard or not worth it or both, and I just want to give up. There has to be a middle ground but I'm not sure that either my current obligations or my current health status are conducive to me finding that middle ground. 

Thanks for reading though 🙂