Dealing With My Mental Illness in Isolation

[Craznar]

Hi, I've been desperately looking for help for 5 years or more. I have been feeling suicidal every day for over a year now, but can't find any help.

I have Alexithymia and excessive Anxiety issues that have combined to lead me to be effectively non-functional as a human being.

I have no family or friends to rely on, have seen over 20 psyhciatrists and psychologists over the years who have put me on 30 different medications over the years and cost me around $10,000. I've rung beyond blue and life line. 

Between all of those I have received no actual assistance, and I can't hang on much longer.

What am I meant to do when all avenues are exhausted and my solitary confined life is too much to bear any more ?

Thanks

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Craznar

Welcome. I hope you find the forum a way to reach out and connect and learn to reduce your isolation. I have also seen a lot of professionals and spent a lot of money. I cant say it has been a total waste as I am still here ... but ...

I have had a lot of difficulty with emotions and feelings and would try to "study" them to get better at communicating about them   I laugh at my own seriousness about it, but know that many just chatter away about their feelings.  for me it is very difficult.

I hope you get value from posting and reading about other people.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Craznar, welcome to the Forums.  I'm very glad that you found us and have shared your story.  It sounds like the last few years have been very painful.  Severe anxiety certainly has the capacity to destroy your quality of life.  There are others on here, such as @Jacques, who can certainly relate.

That's what's so helpful about the Forums.  You can talk with others who know what you're going through, and who are fighting the same battles, and draw strength from them.  It helps to break down the isolation that anxiety creates.

I'm sorry to hear that all the places you reached out to haven't provided the help you need.  I hope that the support you find here gives you the motivation to try again.  There are good and helpful people out there.  But just like with relationships, you need to kiss some frogs on the journey to them.

Can you tell me if you ever have 'better' days?  Days where the suicidal thoughts aren't so strong?  I'm always curious about the exceptions.  If there is something about your thoughts or actions on those days  that you can use as leverage to make more days better?

[ivana]

Hi Craznar,

Are you able to say whether you live in a metro area or in a country area?

[Craznar]

I live in metro Brisbane, desperate for help for my condition - but none to be found.

Tried to get another psychiatrist - but none are taking me, or the ones that are cost way too much.

[Craznar]

@Former-Member I've not had a good day since mid 2004. Every day is a complete void with nothingness following nothingness.

I'm not actually depressed it turns out - my life is as bad as I think. However the anxiety issues coupled with the Alexithymia mean that I'm hobbled and unable to take any action without assistance or external trigger.

There is no 'better', there are just bad days I cope with and bad days I don't cope with.

[ivana]

Whats your physical health like?

Have considered joining a gym as it might give you something to do ( even if it feels like your just going through the motions)?

[Craznar]

@ivana - physical health getting worse due to diet, not likely to get better without help.

[Former-Member]

Now I'm more intrigued.  What was it about 2004 that meant that there was more of a 'somethingness' than a 'nothingness'?  But yes, that's a long time between good days.  You reminded me of a bit of research I heard ages ago that people who suffer from depression are simply more in touch with reality than the rest of us.  The flip side of 'ignorance is bliss'. 

I don't know much about Alexithymia.  Dr Google just gave me a brief synopsis but can you tell me what it means to you and how it effects you?

[Craznar]

@Former-Member = July 10th 2004 just was the last time I enjoyed anything in life. It is my way of remembering that I do know what happiness is, even though I can't experience it any more.

Alexithymia to me means that I can't handle anxiety alone, as I have no mechanism (such as writing down how I feel) to handle Anxiety so it all just 'hangs around'.

That means that my mother and father's deaths, divorce, loss of house, loss of jobs, loss of friends and family etc over the years is all still right there at the surface.

So I'm sort of frozen, unable to do anything at all as my brain is 'full'.