Christmas Chaos but trying to find the light

[LostAngel]

Hi Friends LostAngel Back again The lead up to christmas is its chaotic routine as per usual but I guess heres some wins one My mother is now going to help towards christmas lunch, which Im thankfull for, The House insurance double payment which Ive been stressing about for weeks has finally been paid, now heres the chaotic side ,Myself and siblings have felt a sense a gloomyness about christmas which tends to come in waves now this could be because we have felt mostly a majority of the year alone ,lack of support of a certain amount of family members but in saying that a few have shone their supportive light and I have to try to focus on those positive few ,thank goodness theyve been there when others have not or when others discontinued to be there as we needed, its been a rough year with many issues being faced alone but I guess its given a certian level of perserverence in the face of issues that have come ,in regards to family thats a dificult subject this christmas and I found myself feeling sad and glum again today about that but I guess I have to be gratefull for the ones who do show up the ones who do show care, its been lonely this year but still we have momments of laughter too and also memories flood my mind of years before when our father was still alive Im really missing him this time of year ,Im missing the togerness of family that should be part of our lives,weve taken longer this year to put the tree up infact we just put it up today , I dont have a car this christmas cause its too much to repair theres alot going on but in other ways not I supose ,theres been frequent sibling arguements more so than usual as we try to get the house organised for next week ,thankfully well be having mum over for christmas but yes we miss our father , or in general we miss having that feeling of care that just isnt there from some other family now,which is sad ,but well stiill try our best and do what we can ,of course bills are a stress as usual cause payments are needing to be done before christmas ,Ive been more in a worry state of mind maybe more so than other years ,we do have a second christmas to look forward to with our aunty and uncle that should be nice a hopefully bring a sense of warmth and cheer anyway I guess thats all for now thanks for taking time to listen  

[MJG017]

Hi @LostAngel.  I know this time of year can be incredibly difficult especially when it feels that we're not as close to family as we'd like.  But it does sound like amongst the struggles, you've had some wins as well.  Getting the insurance payment out of the way must be a big relief.  With all that you're juggling at the moment, you are still trying to make Christmas as warm and as special as you can for everyone which I think says so many great things about you.  How much you care about your family, your strength and resilience, it's all there to see.

May be when you are all together you could start to share some good memories of your father and maybe that will get everyone else to share their own memories and can act as a way to get everyone on the same page and remember how important family is and bring everyone a little closer back together.

Either way, you seem to be doing such an incredible job of trying to make it a great Christmas for everyone so I hope that you can manage to find some moments of peace and joy even if some others don't fully appreciate your efforts.  But hopefully both your Christmasses turn out well though.

[tyme]

I'm glad to hear there is some movement with your mum helping @LostAngel .

Hope you are okay.

[LostAngel]

@tyme Im actually really struggling right now ,anxiety ,am safe but am struggling thank you for reaching out

[tyme]

This time is a struggle for so many. I feel there are just so many expectations, especially on those who don't feel the best. Go slow my dear @LostAngel . Look after yourself.

[LostAngel]

@tyme Ill try to explain its just today I found myself getting super emotional and overthinking about the lack of family, but yes mum is one of few who are helping ,I was filling out christmas cards today even despite non communication from particular family ,Ive still decided to try to reach out with christmas cards in my own little way ,just the overthinking turned into overwhelm and lonleyness ect to anxiety ,Im currently sitting near my back door to get as much fresh air as possible but of course its my minds worrying thoughts that are the problem thoughts that are as follows ,that Im alone,That Im unlovable by family some family that is,that I miss my dad ,that I wish I had a supportive partner in my life right now for support,That Im doing my best but still feel triggored with emotion about not feeling good enough for my family,that am asking myself what do I need to do to be loved and accepted by them or in some cases what must I do to be forgiven by them ,Im trying to get as much air in my lungs right now to prevent a full blown anxiety attack, Id very much like some company if anyone has a little time to spare

[LostAngel]

am trying to do grounding excercise what I see,hear,feel ect and trying to picture that family is hugging and present with me and actually saying they love me rather than the disconnect feeling Im trying to imagaine theyre saying the things I need to hear them say that would help with healing

[LostAngel]

thank you @tyme @MJG017 for being here

[tyme]

Yes we are here for you @LostAngel .

I sounds like there is a lot of expectation on you at this time. I think I would feel buried under it all!

I'm here for a chat if you are free.

[Jynx]

Sending you some hugs and some groundey vibes @LostAngel. I'm sorry it's all so much right now. I'm gonna ramble at you a bit - I can hear that you're feeling pretty dysregulated in your emotions at the moment so if you wanna come back to it later that's ok 😉

---

@LostAngel wrote:

 Im doing my best but still feel triggored with emotion about not feeling good enough for my family,that am asking myself what do I need to do to be loved and accepted by them or in some cases what must I do to be forgiven by them 

---

In my experience, love should never be something used as currency. What I mean is, you shouldn't have to prove yourself as worthy of love - you already are. Nor should you only receive love in times when you've reached their expectations. That's why they call it 'unconditional'. Their inability to love you or show you that they do, is a reflection of their insecurities, not a reflection of your worth. 

Acceptance is trickier at times... For me it is the tension between wanting to belong and feel part of the group (which is a human NEED), and wanting to be authentic and waste no energy on masking (which, I guess is a need in Maslow's Hierarchy if it comes under self-actualisation? IDK lol). Again, it is something out of our control, we can't force people to be accepting of us - I guess we can just be choosey about who we're wanting to put energy into - those who refuse to accept us are typically not worth our time hey. Always harder when it's family though, I know. 

Forgiveness...trickier still! I think because it's such a personal process. Sometimes, when people won't forgive us, it's not because we don't deserve it, but because of their own internal narratives and emotional wounds. Reminds me of a quote: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." If they wanna hold a grudge, that's on them. They do say the best revenge is living well... 😋

I guess all of this is to say that you are not some scape-goat or punching bag for others' emotional insecurities. You don't need to bend over backwards to win the approval of people who consistently fail to be respectful to you and your journey. Find the ones who are, and pour your energy into them instead 💜