I apologise in advance for the long post, i havent posted before but am now desperate and need some advice.
Boy oh boy, so this is probably the worst manic episode my hubby has ever had, in the nearly 8 years we've been together anyway.
He has been up and down and around in circles for the past few months, but this week and yesterday has been hell.
We were having a nice little weekend last weekend, no children, and heading into town for a work function, which being we live 2 hours from the city, we made a weekend of and stayed in a hotel the night. We get just about into the city. Mind you I'm driving because he hates driving in the city, and we have taken his new car. Keep in mind I'm a very safe and attentive driver. He starts getting twitchy, this is one of his tells that he is not coping, I tried to diffuse him. Offering to take a long way around, if he wanted to drive, pull over, etc. He said no, get to the hotel, and put his head on his knees. Every time he looks up he was flapping more and yelling at people through the window, because they were too close, etc. We finally get to the hotel and chill for a bit. The weekend went OK, but he was off and wasn't as enjoyable as it could've been. I really had hope with him being so chipper when we left.
Through the week he has been all over the place. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated, not eating barely, either not sleeping, twitching and moving and talking to himself so much in his sleep he is no way rested or completely passing out likened to a comatose state.
Wednesday, yells at me for some reason I can't remember now because it was so trivial and I'm exhausted. This happens right before leaving for work. Not the first time for this either. I'm in no state to go to work and have to call in last minute in tears to my boss. I hated that. It was really unfair. I later have a panic attack after he takes off in the car. I try and call him to help as I could feel my asthma start flaring up and I was struggling to breathe. No answer twice. After leaving a quite hectic scared voice message. I call his mum hoping she might be able to help, she calls him, he finally comes home. Helps me calm down we try and chat. It escalates again, I call it on any discussions and go to bed.
Yesterday is when it really turned to crud. I get home from work and he looks grey and has the dark eyes. The man I know is not home, the bipolar is here in his place. If you know you know. Every word, look, breath and way I stand or walk is taken as a personal attack on him. This goes on all day to the point I'm hysterical and can't take any more. I snap. I yell, I scream. I know when he is like this and I lose it. It's only going to make it worse but I'm so angry, sad, worried, frustrated and tired I just cut sick at him. He of course returns the same. He goes outside. Screaming obscenity and gets in his car and just screams and cries. I'm sitting in the house balling, shaking, what do I do. I don't want to admit him, I just want him to get help, I want help, I want us back. He is my favourite person on the planet. I called his mum to get some guidance or something and she completely wasn't listening to me and defending him saying she doesn't think he has bipolar at all... I was more devastated, I thought she was someone I could go to when this sort of things happen but instead she was on the defensive, I get it he's her son. But my God. I decide i need to get out. I tell him I'm going to get dog food and I'll be back later. He tells me to not run away, he hates us being like this, he hates upsetting me and that if he have known our relationship was going to turn out like this like before he wouldn't have even started with me originally. I am absolutely devastated. I leave.
I do t come back for about 3-4 hours. No call, text, nothing. His mum tries to call me, I don't answer. She sends me a text, pretty much saying g she is her for me and him and blah blah blah, she obviously spoke to him and he's had a go at her or something, I don't know. I get home to find hi. Slumped on the couch asleep. I make him.some food and get a drink, wake him up to have his night meds and make sure he eats and drinks. Give him a big hug and help him into bed. Not much is said but he falls asleep with his head resting on me as I watch YouTube. I've barely slept. He's woken up much calmer not remembering much of yesterday.
Some facts;
- I don't want to break up with him, he is my best friend
- he is currently medicated
- I have mental health myself. Depression, anxiety, PTSD from childhood trauma and SA as a teen, gynaecological complicatioms, chronic pain with fibromyalgia aswell
- he's a veteran who never saw combat. Who has adjustment disorder. Bipolar. Ptsd and chronic pain due to a back injury. He does not work due to his disability from the back injury
- I work full time in childcare
- we are supposed to be starting IVF in February 2025, and has been a very long process to be approved and made sure I'm OK to go through it with my ailments
- he already has 3 children to 3 mothers, 1 in her 20s I've never met. 1 who we reconnected with around 2 years ago, to then have run away from her mums, live with us for 3 months, get pregnant, leave us in a blaze of glory and return to her mums to be a teen mum, we are no longer in cintact with. And 1 we have shared custody with the mother after an awfully long battle to even have rights to see her, both being accused of awful things that never happened and be in such a toxic ptsd inducing saga with until about a year ago when she herself became a step parent and then apologising to us for everything she ever did or said and cancelling child support. We are now actively guiding and helping her partner through court with his ex.
What I'm asking is this;
- How and what do you do when the person you go to for comfort and support is the same person causing you such pain and distress??
- what strategies do y'all have when your spouse is like this?
- how do you look after you?
- how do you not just give up?
- how do you forgive after the fact? After so much venom is spat and then not really remembering what was said or happened on their part, but you remembering everything?
I'm happy to elaborate on anything for clarity. But this was beginning to be a long post already. There is so much more that goes on and has happened but this is a brief as I could make run down of most recent event.
Thanks for getting to the end if you have.
