Asking & Telling

[Jake]

Hi All,

Here's one for all the philosophers out there - as an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I now deeply value my autonomy - i.e. the right to self govern.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people (and yes, most of these people are my 'friends') seem to know what is best for me without actually asking!

Amazing, I'd like to know where they got their 'crystal ball' Lol! - probably eBay!

You see there is a big difference between telling me what I need and asking me what I want. The former actually removes my right or choice to say no. This is very important to me (to be able to say no and have it honoured) without being drawn into lengthy explanations about why I don't want to do it their way.

When people just tell me what to do, it is often to meet their own needs over my needs. They just 'project' their needs onto me and make out that if I only did (whatever they want me to do at the time) it their way, everything will work out fine.

I hope all that made sense, if not, here is a good article that I found which articulates the issue very well:

http://conceptcrucible.com/asktell/

Regards, Jake

[Amber]

Hi Jake

Yes, you make sense.  Again, I'm sorry for your experiences.

I am an 'invisible person'.  I was never allowed to have a voice of my own for many years.  It was quite strange when I found my voice, and even stranger when people listened and thought I had something interesting to say!  But, I do know when to shut up!!

It is said to be a life-long journey to 'know thyself' so how others can profess such an ability on your behalf is a rare ability. 

I do have a crystal ball - do you have any requests ... lol

Take care,

Amber

[kenny66]

Hi Jake

are you saying this within the context of mental illness or life generally?

I do find that some of my friends seem to know whats best to for me to deal with my MI without actually knowing anything about it. So I do get given orders on how to make me "well".  

From my point of view I think childhood abuse has defined me to a certain extent, for better or for worse. I am not quite sure what I think about it now. I dont think that I have really verbalised it, not even to myself and I havent discussed it with anyone other than in passing.

It has made me violently opposed to being controlled. So I get what you say about disempowering your choices and removing your right to say no, which is really what childhood abuse is all about. I think most people project their weaknesses as well as other things onto others as some sort of salve for their own shortcomings in some instances. I try to take an independant view and try and do what is right for me and bugger what anyone else I know thinks.

[Harry]

Hi Jake

I like your weird choice of profile pic. It'sa fun blend of THINGS!

As a survivor myself on so many levels I simply would like to say that I would ask rather than tell.

I wasn't expecting to see this point of choice raised.

Thank you

Harry

[Jake]

Hi Kenny66,

Life generally - but the people in my life who I have 'come out' to (friends) still tell me what (they think) I need, without actually asking me. This disempowers me.

For example, I suffer from extreme anxiety when the phone rings. 90% of the time it is someone wanting something from me, dynamically speaking, this is their need, not mine. I can only just function at the level of meeting my own needs, let alone anyone else's needs. This includes fortnightly appointments with my psychotherapist and as I'm not on any medication (my choice) and I have a limited ability to meet other people's needs (friends or not).

The only way I can function at a reduced anxiety level is to unplug the phone from the socket, as when it rings, my anxiety jumps from 3/10 to 8/10. This has caused inconvenience for some of my 'friends' as I don't (read can't) meet their needs in real time. I am happy to (and do) meet their needs though when I am able. 

Hence my preferred method of communication is via email rather than telephone, as I can respond when I am able to and not necessarily in real time. This is done purely to alleviate my anxiety, not to spite my friends. Yet the other day I was told (yes told) that I should answer the phone whenever this person rings (whenever this person has a need) which overrules my need for peace and quiet. 

Regards, Jake

[chemonro]

Thanks for sharing, Jake! Freedom and autonomy are so precious: we are defined by the choices we make, if we're not empowered to make choices then who are we? 

Meaning, beauty, friendship, enjoyment, life, goodwill and compassion, positive thinking and acting : these are the things I choose! 

[kristin]

Hi Jake,

You make lots of sense. I really relate to what you are saying; and why it is so excruciating when some tells you what to do rather than asks what you want, or hesitantly offering a suggestion. The first seems to come out of a space of (perhaps unconscious) judgement and superiority, whereas the latter is from a place of respect and compassion.

I think autonomy is important to most people, but for those of us who are survivors of abuse it is an acutely sensitive button which switches to red alert (for good reason) fairly easily. I really love the way you manage to find some humour in the whole thing, mostly I just see red when people who supposedly care about me do this stuff! (And then give them a piece of my mind!)

Thanks for the article link, it's a good one. I think it could also be entitled repspect 101.

Best regards,

Kristin

[Jake]

Hi Kristin,

Thanks for your kind comments, I really have to watch my sense of humour, so I apologise in advance if I have offended anyone, it was/is never intentional. I think life is too serious and a little humour goes a long way.

Regards, Jake

p.s. if I ever unintentionally offend you (or anyone else here) please forgive me, it is my sense of humour that helps me cope with the stresses of life.

[nyxsong]

I have found it frustrating over the years that people have tried to tell me what is best for me with regards to my mi. About 5 years ago I looked back and realised they all had one thing in common, they genuinely cared for me and with that in mind I realised that I had to be honest with them and true to myself and so I engaged the art of diplomacy. Diplomacy is of course the act of putting down your foot without stepping on anyone's toes! I took ownership of my rights AND my decisions and made sure that those people knew that I was capable of asking for help when I needed to. It allowed them to feel like they were helping but set rules for them to do so. The thing is in the end they really are just trying to show they care but don't know how, so they fall back on the stock standard methods. Cut them a little slack, help them to learn how to help you and your support network will become all the more awesome!

[Neb]

Good post Jake....I moved countries in order to provide a separation from those who KNOW what is best for me. I love my family dearly, but it am the sacrificial lamb over the dysfunctional parts...I being the nut of the family.