When you saw your hometown burn - but you don't live there any more

[YouAreNotAlone]

Hello all,

This is probably a bit of a more unusual post but I'm wondering if anyone can relate.

So, last year, I went back home to visit my mum. I grew up on the south coast of NSW, and it will always be my home. Unfortunately, while I was there, I also got caught in the Black Summer bushfires. We had to evacuate, as falling, burning leaves fell from the sky--and only a few streets away, my neighbours lost everything. I watched my town burn; and as soon as the roads were clear, I made the trip back to where I currently live--far, far away.

It's so jarring to have been thrust into that trauma, and go home where there's no danger. It took me weeks to leave my house: I was terrified the tree in my back yard would catch fire, my home would burn, and I'd lose everything.

Even now, I feel so separated from my community. I went through the trauma, but none of the healing together . . . I feel isolated. Like I've missed out on that time to work through what we experienced together. Like I didn't "really" experience it, because I don't live there any more.

I know now almost a year has passed. Green shoots are growing everywhere . . . but in my head, it's all still burning.

It's a very isolating feeling; feeling like I won't get any kind of solace until I can see with my own eyes that it's not burning any more.

I miss my home and my family so much. I feel very much like an outsider.

Can anyone else relate to this? How do you cope?

For me . . . I'm just trying to tell myself to be gentle. That my experiences count. That it's not still burning. That i'm not any lesser because I don't live there . . . and that it will be okay.

[Powderfinger]

@YouAreNotAlone  I am wondering if you think it would be helpful to possibly find any recent and new videos anywhere online to show the changes in your town since the fire? New things growing, things that have been rebuilt and so forth? Watch them often to also put new images in your mind of hope, resilience and healing? 

[YouAreNotAlone]

@Powderfinger

Honestly, it again just makes me feel like I'm missing out . . . that I'm not healing, because I'm not there.

I'm going home next month though. It's going to be a very emotional experience . . .

[Powderfinger]

@YouAreNotAlone 

I get it. Leaving a place where it all happened and not being amongst anyone that went through it with you is very isolating. Your feelings are valid and normal. Then going back to a place soon after where everything is fine, after experiencing the trauma you did back in your home town is even more isolating. My only suggestion is that (if you are not already) consider either therapy or start talking to a close friend or family member who will listen to you, hear you and support you. Do not suppress this forever. 

Best of healing for you. 

Ramble. 

[YouAreNotAlone]

Thank you @Powderfinger ❤️ that validation means a lot. I often downplay it because I feel like because I'm not there, my experiences don't count.

This is the first time I've spoken about it to anyone. I'm glad at least someone understands.

[Powderfinger]

@YouAreNotAlone I'm glad you found this place and I hope you find some healing here. Your experience counts, even if others tells you it doesn't. It's also OK to validate your own experience for yourself without anyone elses approval. 

[Powderfinger]

@YouAreNotAlone 

I've thought about it. Due to guidelines of Sane, I cannot post a link or my name. So, please share my post among your community. I have a pseudo writing name which nobody knows and that I very rarely publish under ever. Jasper Cruz. That is NOT my real name. You can put that pseudo name under the article with the usual clause of it not being able to be reproduced and so on. You could say you just found it on the internet. I think that is a workable solution? 

Ramble

[Shazi55]

@YouAreNotAlone 

Isn't it strange how we hold ourselves up to the impossible? 

It's been extraordinary hard to go through all of that and then just leave. 

I'd liken that to soldiers leaving a war zone and then trying to cope with being back in the civilian, peaceful, normal world. 

It's certainly not at all easy. 

We feel so guilty about the fact that we are finally safe that we struggle to recover while feeling that we don't really have so much to recover from... we tend to compare ourselves with those we left behind. 

You are doing the best thing you can do in being gentle with yourself (which isn't always so simple).

All I can tell you is that the way you have been feeling is very understandable and I'm so glad that, although it will be hard, you are going back...

It's a powerful gift to give yourself in recovery! 

[YouAreNotAlone]

Thank you @Shaz55 ❤️

[Burnt]

You have lived through the disaster, you have seen your world implode around you. You have every right to feel this way you’re feelings are valid. It must be so difficult seeing such trauma and being thrust back into a community who hasn’t- I may not have personal experience with such but I get the feeling- I went away 2 weeks after the fire on a pre fire planned holiday, to be around “non Burnt” and “non effected” peoples shocked me. To have lived such a disaster and be around others so distances from it: was surreal and somewhat sad. A shock? I’m not sure how to describe it. Just remember we all experienced this in our own way and your trauma from that summer is just as important as anyone else’s. 

Your home town will never be the same, but it will always be apart of you, and you apart of it. X