i feel so alone

[surgery1]

I have been with my partner just over 2 years.It was love at first sight for both of us.He was very upfront about his schizophrenia,
It took me a few months to understand what living with this illness meant to both of us
About once a month he would "LOSE IT" and disappear to a mates for a few days.
It came to a head when I tried to talk him down once and it ended up with the police being involved .
To the outside world he is the sole of the party and I am the wicked witch, which I am strong enough to deal with.
Last week I went to hospital for surgery ,there were complications ,but he had left his phone at a friend's and did not pick up til the next morning,by that time I had sent him several messages basically telling him to leave ,which he did while I was in hospital.
I feel like I'm being selfish ,but I am so angry that this one time he wasn't there for me I feel let down..
I also feel guilt as he really has nowhere to go and will stop taking medication ,he will go into a downward spiral.
My friends and family don't understand the illness ,so look at me as a down trodden woman and say that leaving him is the best thing I could do....
I really feel so confused. .

[CherryBomb]

Hi surgery1,

Welcome to the forums.  

You sound immensly understanding, patient and insightful.  It doesn't at all sound like you're selfish.  Quite often the guilt that carers can feel stems from feeling like they are not providing enough care. And more often than not, they are usually doing as much as they possibly can (while doing too little for themselves). You are human, you have needs, and limits too. It sounds like your partner pushed those limits and it left you feeling extremely hurt, let down and angry. It's understandable that you feel this way. 

Relationships can be tough at the best times, and no one can tell you what you want other than yourself. Loving someone is such a complex thing. What I can suggest, is that you ask yourself where do you see yourself in five years with your partner if he current behaviour continues? Is it in a place that you'd like to be? And if not, what needs to be done for you to get there? Is he willing to work with you to get there? 

I hope the processing of reflecting on some of these questions can clear the confusion that you're feeling right now. 

Does anyone else have any advice for surgery1?

P.S. Hope the recovery from the surgery is going well. 

CB

[surgery1]

Thanks for the support.I should probably visited the forum before it got to this stage.
It's a comfort to know I'm not alone,
I have thought about the future several times and sometimes I see us married and happy other times I'm alone as I cannot see me loving anyone as much as him.
Time Will tell.
Thanks again

[Alessandra1992]

Another perspective for you might be to imagine how fearful your partner may have been feeling over your surgery, and then not being able to articulate his fears.
Does this make sense? Sometimes when we are under extreme stress, our thinking and our actions may not make any sense. Which may or may not be exaggerated by our MI as well.
I am wondering if when your partner goes to man cave times, he might be actually trying to protect you from seeing him not at his best.

I just wonder if his actions might have been out of love for you, rather than selfishly deliberate.

I am wondering if you let some time pass, you might focus on your recuperation and see how you feel about your relationship over the next few days..or weeks.

Perhaps he has other qualities that far outweigh his tendency to retreat/run away when he is stressed or unwell.

You can always have the conversation around what are the deal breakers, if you have been together for 2 years, hh must be something special, MI or no MI..

Take care..

[Hobbit]

Hi surgery1,

Just read your post. Don't know how much advice I could give you (or even if I am really qualified to do so...), but I guess I can say that you have really shown some strength, and you must really love him. I guess it boils down to looking into your heart, I know that may sound wishy-washy, but maybe those times you are alone, really think about these things.

It's really great that you have come onto these forums, because at the very least, there are people here you can talk to, and who really care.

Please let us all know how you are going.

Hobbit.

[surgery1]

Thanks for your comments and support.I actually thought that might be the case that he was concerned. But then I think is that me making excuses for him and trying to justify his actions,I cannot imagine me doing that to the love of my life.
He had surgery back in January and I was there every step of the way and that was with several broken ribs ( we had been in a car crash).he have talked by text,but no appology.I'm stumped..

[Hobbit]

Hi surgery1,

It's such a difficult situation you are in. I really do feel for you. I keep going back to teh topic of your initial post "I feel so alone".

Including connecting with people on this forum, I thought you might want to also try some counselling?

Here are some resource I think you may find useful. Relationships Australia can offer you counselling specific to the situaiton you are in right now. The website is here. Also, you might wasnt to give the Salvo Care Line a call. They have trained counsellors you can talk to 24 hours a day. You can find them here

Lastly, next Tuesday, we're doing topic Tuesday on "Why do you stay?" It's a discussion about relationships with people we care for. It will begin at 6pm and go until 8pm AEST. Perhaps you might like to join the conversation?

We would really like you to keep talking and connecting with people here. I think the more people you can connect with, maybe the easier things might be to handle.

I hope this all helps.

Hobbit.

[surgery1]

Hi hobbits,I have had a look at the links and think I'll give them a call tomorrow.
It's great to talk to people honestly and not be judged or make excuses for his behavior..I will try and join in next week.
Thanks again

[Camelia]

Hi.. I feel so alone - I know how you are feeling.  Even in a marriage of 30+ years I have felt that way - especially in times of difficulty.  My partner is not suffering from any definitive mental health issue but he just doesn't know what to do or say when there are problems.  He certainly retreats into his man cave.  

A couple of years ago I broke my foot and I thought he would change his plans to not fly out for work, and help me for at least the first week.  Ha, was I wrong.  Off he went.  But I was actually glad he did because he always wants everything to be about him.  Luckily I had a girlfriend who stayed and helped me while I got used to crutches etc.alth 

Many men can't cope with life's crises - and that's why I ensure that I work on my friendships with women.  They are there for me, and I for them.  When I joined this forum it was because I needed an place where others understood the experience I was going through and could share their knowledge.  My friends are wonderful, but sympathy sometimes is not enough.

I went to my GP as well and requested a mental health plan which meant I could go to a psychologist to talk about everything and anything of concern to me - from my current issues with my son's mental health to my relationship with my husband.  It is under medicare and doesn't cost anything for 10 sessions.

You might also goggle up the personality traits of "narcissism".  But I think a psychologist would be much better placed to help guide you through your feelings and understanding your partner, and your options.  

My psychologist certainly helped me with how to respond and react better to comments that would make me want to run and flee.

We all have choices - you need to work out what choice you want to make and sometimes a little help is needed.

[Alessandra1992]

Well said Camelia, it is so important for Carers to access help too. It is really really easy as carer's to think we know best, and not always being mindful that the support we provide can sometimes be very disenabling..such a tricky balance...