how to handle threats and bullying - new to forum

[sharona]

I am new to any forums and today is my son's 31 birthday. 

He has has some form of mental illness since his teens. The diagnosis and symptoms change over time.

The latest was Avoidant Personality Disorder but now  possibly Conversion Disorder  as well. The first  was Body Dismorphic Disorder and Social phobia. It seems to have progressed. There have also been psychotic episodes and continuing anxiety and depression.

A couple of years ago after years of  what seemed to be Social Phobia (extreme) with depression he suddenly developed visual distrubances correlating to "Visual Snow" and later more seemingly neurological symptoms. At this time , he went down drastically and became extremely suicidal and aggressive.For the first time,I ended up coercing him into going to emergency department by focussing on his visual symptoms. It was a terrible experience. Hours with a very disturbed boy holding on by a thread. They refused to talk to me and he always denies any mental health issues, so was put at the bottom of the queue. Eventually he was assessed and put in the attached mental health facility where they promised to do lots of tests. They didn't and sent him home without calling me first. It had taken me at least 2 years to get him there. Eventually, after  my  agonising calls to Mental healthwith threatsof violence etc, their advice was for him to see a psyhologist. he diidn't of course and they withdrew medication and  all help, as he said he is fine and refused to see their psychologist (avoidant personality disorder!)

In any case, such a long and complex story that I can't do it here, but I want at this moment to say that  he had two negatives happen, where he thinks his cymbalta is causing sexual dysfunction and then his life-blood,his computer, broke.

His response was to become very agressive and bullying and then he said that he wants me to send him to a mentalhealth facility because he wants to hurt me.  Or he will start smashing things or suicide.

As I tried to clarify calmly and suggested  finding the number from previously, he eventually said that there was an alternative to all this, which was that I give him my computer.

Of course, I did. 

This was either  real or manipulation to get my computer ina way that he's in control.

In either case,it's disturbing.

I know I'm not exprssing this well, but my question at this point is, what should I do?

I don't feel right for either of us that I am being bullied  and then rewarding it, but if he was not mentally ill, I would not do this.

I don't feel at all confident that if I call mental health, anything will ultimately change. They visit. It's very dramatic. They leave. 

I feel like an abused woman, but if it was my partner , I would just leave.

Any suggestions welcome.

[annie1268]

oh yes i feel for you, for a long time i thought i could make everything ok by keeping daughter (BPD,SPTD,  an assortment of differing diagnisis from a variety of proffessionals ) happy .i ended up a wreck and then the revelation of the level of her manipulation,the demands were most unreasonable and expensive i realised i was making the problem worse and started putting in boundries, a storm raged in our house but i stood my ground, if she made bad choises they were what she chose to do , my saying NO had no bearing on her actions except to say it was her retaliation to the word, the extremities of demands and tantrums slowly  eased off, i remind myself that a tantrum at any age only works if they get results.the holes in the walls wave been mended the relationship is better there are the odd demands made but im in control of whats reasonable and what is not, and Im not afraid to say no.I will always be here to support her mentally and emotionally but i wont  be a puppet.. I did tell her that i was feeling very manipulated had to sort out my own feelings and go with them ,but i picked a calm time to tell her. It has helped us both  a lot..good luck with your son   

[Me_]

Hi I am suffering similarly at the hands of my 17 year old daughter.
I feel very bullied and manipulated. I have stood my ground and had things I love destroyed and been physically hit and kicked.
There are holes in my walls and hardly any dishes left to eat off of.
I have completely retreated from confrontation and often feel like an intruder in my own home.
I struggle to make ends meet and am constantly going without so that I can give her things she wants.
Recently I lost my job and am home 24/7 she dropped out of school and is now doing postal courses which I pay her a weekly amount to do.
Sometimes I feel her behaviour is due to the social phobia and anxiety and other times I think it is pure manipulation and bullying.
There seems to be no conscience and little to no remorse or care for how she is effecting me.
There is certainly no gratitude for anything I do and she seems to get some pleasure out of my pain.
Everyone I know says I should move her out but I know this is no solution.
I spend most of my time in my room avoiding any issues.

Good luck with your son, if I take away a computer or a phone it is like I have cut off a limb. Once the power was out and she blamed me and I had hours of abuse and crying and pleading and anger it was all I could do not to leave her there in the dark.
I think her computer being one of her few connections to the outside world makes her feel safe. But like you I know that letting her have it is not helping her get better.

[Hobbit]

Hi @sharona 

Welcome to the forums, I hope you can find some good support and advice here. There are many lovely people here that can offer you much in the way of hope and give you some practical advice.

Bullying is such a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through. I really feel for you. I also feel for you as reading your post, it really seems that the mental health system has let you down. This must be very discouraging too.

In regards to seting boundaries, @3forme posted a fantastic post here, which provides some information about courses that are availble for people who care for/about someone with a mental illness, which can teach you how to establish boundaries and communicate more effectively with your loved one.

I wonder if anyone else has some advice for @sharona ?? @Jacob101 @kato (love your profile pic by the way!!) @Kiera80 @Leigh @Valda ??

Keep posting Sharona. ou have friends here.

Hobbit.

[Kiera80]

I have been through a lot of bullying with my sibling too and it's a complete nightmare when you don't know what to do. 

When I look back at the worst times I can say that I could have handled the bullying with better boundaries (had I known better at the time).  I can't stress enough how important it is to keep your own personal power.  It's so easy to get bulldozed by someone who wants to manipulate you and cause you fear, pain and anxiety.  It's so scary to be confronted like that, especially when it's happening all the time.

As for any threats or physical violence, that is just not on - ever.

If your loved one is threatening to harm you I would be picking up the phone and calling the police, as I have had to do quite a few times.

Any threat that goes beyond venting should be reported to somebody.  I would also be contacting the nearest hospital that has a mental health facility and letting them know what the threat has been.  If you want them to listen to you then call them as often as you can.  I found that I had to annoy the hell out of the mental health doctors for someone to start listening to me.  You have to be persistant.

We are not trained as doctors or psychologists and we are definately not supposed to be punching bags.  We should not be expected to deal with such extreme behaviour no matter how much we love the other person.  It's just wrong and we end up suffering badly because of it. 

When my sibling starts pushing me around now I just say "stop, I am not going to deal with this behaviour".  I then turn my back and walk away.  This seems to be the only way to put an end really quickly to something that may escalate into a bad situation.  I do this with conversations too.  Everything from my sibling of late has been negative and I can't listen to it because it just brings me down and I hate that feeling.  A good day can go to hell in a hearbeat.

At the moment I'm trying to find some other ways for me to stay positive.  The carers forum has been a big help.  I need to find ways to do more me stuff and start to repair my own mental health.

[Alessandra1992]

Setting boundaries is quite tricky at times as it is navigating the balance between being reasonable to being unreasonable. Most times, when we put in boundaries we will experience push back..as the interpretation of reasonableness can differ widely between two people under one roof..I am constantly informed I am unreasonable, and there are times when this is true..but I think being very clear on what I can and can't tolerate is actually helpful for everyone...It can be exhausting because the people we care for also have their own deeply held beliefs about what does a healthy respectful living arrangement look like? I hope my child understands that we are strict when it is necessary..and we hope we are consistent in our approach as all we want is for our children to grow into loving healthy adults..and the icing would be into loving relationships of their own...

[annie1268]

oh i remember 17 well and with very few fond memories, it was a a nightmare every day and the odd times of calm was spent cringing waiting for the fury.and after the rage came her remorse but not in a way you would know it, it came more in the form of an infant needing to be accepted and seeking that  unconditional  mommy love and usually very demanding of my head space, it felt like she had to occupy my brain every waking minute and constantly woke me throuout the night with trivial questions and requests,   so i could not forget her ,,time and those boundries are  have helped for us to have a better relationship, I also found when people gave me advice on how to manage my daughter most of their anvice was given to protect me but not taking into account that my daughter was sick , and we dont throw our kids away if they get other illnesses so why would we when its their brain thats ill..you stay strong but look after you,, 

[sharona]

Hi 'Me'

So,I can reallyrelate to what you're going through.

My son is now 31 and i have been trying to understand, help and deal with this since he was maybe  15.

At that time I had no diagnosis. I didn't know if there was a mental health issue or just bad behaviour. 

I was a singlemother by then and we had both been through a very bad family breakdown.

So, I recieved lots of advice from people around me about kicking him out and making him stand on his own feet, insinuation  soft, bad parenting on my part and just a spoilt brat on his part. Eventually, in desperation, I sent him to live with his dad and disappeared overseas for a year. He didn't 'stand up'. he became much worse. I have spent years oscillating between thinking it's bad parenting as most of the community say, or  mental health issues. Meanwhile, years pass.

I still have changing and unclear diagnoses and no professional guidance as to how i should be dealing with this. He is  of an age where his privacy overrules my parenting. I  am usually treated as some sort of controlling mother, when I wouldjust love to not have to deal with any of it.

So, my suggestion is that you take advantage of her still young age and get professional advice from her doctors. Straighten this out now as much as possible so you don'tend uplike me, with a 31 year old and the same or worsening situation.

It's so counterproductive that mental healthpeople want to talk to the people with various mental health issues only and not the person living with them.  They have a mental healthissue. My son has avoidant personality disorder (apparently) and is completely phoic of negative judgement therefore he will tell them everything is wonderful. Then they leave. Sometimes it feelslike theydon't know what various mentalillnesses are! Their visits were like people patting him and ticking boxes, even when he began having clear psychotic episodes.

Good luck.

[Leigh]

Just reading your report is like reading my life.My son is 30. I am trying to set boundaries. He accuses me of not supporting him. One thing I have done is make a list of all the support I have given him over the years. This astounded me.I don't know if I will give it to him but it reminds me that his claims as totally untrue.

[CID]

We are all triplets now.  Hello I'm new also. 

Our family is shattering as well.  Our wonderful son is lost and it is so sad and painful for him and us.

We fail with boundaries also, suffer the abuse, and are also falling apart.  Hopefully this discussion thread may help me strengthen which will help the family.  I pray, but I think my God is watching over and waiting. 

Our son was stable on Medication for 4 years.  Until relapse.

We have been unsuccessful with the Mental Healthy team, Psychiatric Ward and contact for our son with a Doctor. Although 5 police and the team came to our house it is something I refuse to go through again.   However I am in close consultation with the Doctor which is a support.  Our 31 one year old spent the night in the watch house x 2 in one night for public nuisance and walked to the Court House upon realease to face the DVO charge.  He was manic and had absolutely no idea what was going on.  My husband called the police.  We ended with the DVO which has been only a hindrance.  Now we protect our son from further consequences as my husband was unable to withdraw the DVO.  I asked the Police at the court house to take him to the Mental Health Ward...although they could, he settled slightly so that did not occur.  I phoned the Mental Health Ward and the Police to arrange this again.  That did not occur.  3 times the Police approached him to serve the same DVO in public, & in his unit (which he is rarely at as he has been in our home for 6 months (fear I expect).  Hence the unit experience landed him with Obstructing Police and DUI.)  As a result of the 3rd DVO attempt, two weeks after we went to court!  I phoned the Sargeant of Police who agree it was a technical oversight...

Lovely for a mental health patient.  May God bless us all and help us find a solution.  My approach is one of love and support...and to be stronger with our boundaries.  I have a Masters degree...in business however, I don't believe anything will be successful unless the son is ready, in the long term I believe if any one can help our son it is only us.  The system is kaotic with failure.

Must go, besides the kaos in our life...it's raining on my washing.  Blessings.