Why do you stay? Is this a legitimate question?

[Cazzie]

My husband has PTSD, a direct result of 29 years in the NSW Police Force.  He's been suffering from the associated anxiety and depression for around 12 years.  Around the time he became "unwell" I had some issues at work and went to see a psychologist.  It just so happened that the psychologist was female.  Throughout the course of the discussion I mentioned my husband's behavioural issues (he hadn't, at this point, been diagnosed by any medical person) and what I thought was the reason behind them.  Her response was "Why do you stay?  Why don't you just leave then you won't have to put up with it any more."

I was flabbergasted, to say the least.  I never returned to her, preferring to battle on alone.  My husband subsequently had his "breakdown", went off on workcover and was eventually retired from the Police Force, classified as hurt on duty (HOD).  I have accompanied him to appointments with his psychologist on many occasions.  I have also had many solo appointments with my husband's psychologist.  He has been supportive of us, both individually and as a couple.  Never once has he asked me that question.

Today I went to see my GP (a qualified psychiatrist who doesn't practice as one) on a non-related issue.  However, she asked me if I was under any stress at all.  My husband suffers from PTSD.  Of course I suffer from stress.  I explained to her my husband's problems:  the fact that he is quite "high maintenance" because of his PTS; the fact that he's not long come out of a clinic where he was being treated for his PTS and some substance abuse issues (alcohol, not drugs) and that he was having difficulty coping back out in the real world, so to speak.

Her response was to ask me why I feel it to be in any way my problem?  Why do I allow myself to be beaten down by my husband's problems?  Why do I stay with this man who's causing me so much stress and distress?  The inference I take away from these questions is that I'm an abused wife and that I should get help for myself and abandon my husband.

Once again, I'm flabbergasted.  I tried to explain to her that I love my husband.  I'm not prepared to give up on my marriage.  I live in hope that, one day, I'm going to get back the man I met almost 30 years ago and married almost 17 years ago.  Her eventual response was to send me for a slew of pathology tests (to address the problem I went to see her about in the first place) and to tell me I really needed counselling (well, duh! like I didn't know that already).

What gives a doctor or psychologist the right to ask these questions and make these apparent judgments?  My husband is not violent, aggressive or abusive.  Yes, if any one of several "triggers" sets him off he can be morose and obnoxious but is this a reason to walk away from what has always been a good marriage?

I'd be really interested to see if anyone else has had a similar situation arise when discussing their problems with a health care professional?

[JT]

Hi Cazzie.  First let me say that you sound like a wonderful, supportive and loving wife and human being.  

Personally I think the question is legitimate but only to clarify the answer.  If I were to ask that question of someone I would rather hear because I love and support him than I feel sorry for him.  Their responses are perhaps more the problem than the question?  I do know someone who is married to someone with PTSD and she stays because she doesn't want to upset him by telling him it's over.  She fully plans to leave him "when he's feeling better" and can cope with it.  I just totally disagree with her logic.

Anyway, yes been in a similar situation.  I have a son with undefined mental health issues in addition to autism.  Over the years I have had issues with psycotic episodes where he has been abusive and violent. (between the ages of 8 and 14 mind you just to give some perspective).  I was asked more than once why I put up with it and why I didn't just kick him out.  I was told, by a counsellor that I was no different to a battered wife who allowed myself to be abused. It's not helpful at all.  Of course you need counselling; and a supportive network to help you get through this period of your lives.  Really hope you find that support.

[Used2Be]

Cazzie, as the wife of a PTSD hubby, ai have heard EXACTLY the same thing, but fortunately not from medical professionals. My hubby himself also has asked why I stay. And it is for the same reason you have. I love him, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. Yes, it is frustrating, yes, it is draining, yes, it is hard, but underneath their challenging behaviour is the same person.

I guess one of the reasons people ask is to make sure that we are looking after ourselves as well as looking after our loved ones. That is the key, I think. I have not always got that balance right, but I am working on it.

[Alessandra1992]

Hi Cazzie, I am wondering whether sometimes these questions are being asked to screen for domestic violence? So whilst for some people these are daft questions, perhaps there other people who are being helped with domestic violence.
I don't know but I imagine some Carers might come across as highly stressed, exhausted, etc which may also coincide with how people experiencing violence at home, such as financial abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse.
For me, I would rather be asked than to have another person experience violence.
However, what seems to be an important issue , is how can they support Carers better? Can they provide referrals and info for carer respite or support groups? Can GPs also explore the psychological needs of Carers, do Carers need their own mental health care plans? I know I have in the past needed referrals just to address my needs as a carer...at least now we can let our GP's know about these Forums!

[serene]

I think we carers can definitely benefit from a mental health care plan.  My lovely GP referred me for a m.h. plan to help me deal with difficult behaviour exhibited by my adult son with Schizophrenia, mainly to help me set boundaries in dealing with him in order to guard my own mental and physical wellbeing.

It has been very helpful - I was fortunate to find an excellent Counsellor (ex-psychiatric nurse with extensive training in counselling)  . The relentless nature of the caring we do can easily wear us down unless we keep aware of our needs - that old story of the frog in hot water gradually being brought to the boil before realizing it was too late to escape reminds me of the strains of the caring role and how depression can creep up on us if we don't stay alert and a little detached from the problems we face.

Over many years of caring I have done a lot of courses (ARAFMI, MIFQ etc) and read many books - "Understanding Troubled Minds" by Bloch being one of the most helpful and talking to other Carers is a great help.

Getting away from it all to a hobby where I can lose myself doing something that restores me I find essential to keep balanced.

Best wishes to all and thanks for the Forum

[Hobbit]

Hi serene,

Thanks for your contributions. I just wanted to say that I love your last comment - "Getting away from it all to a hobby where I can lose myself doing something that restores me I find essential to keep balanced".

I really agree with that philosophy. So I think I might start a new discussion thread and see what hobbies people have. Stay tuned.

thanks!

Hobbit.

[PeppiPatty]

Happy to read your contribution, Sarene. It enforces my true belief.... Who cares for the carers?
Who listens/reads the carers? A councillor who is an ex psychiatric nurse.
Someone who's been there.
Like all who have contributed on this site, my story is unique but when married, passionately in love with my ex husband I was asked even by my GP, oh, that's hard

[PeppiPatty]

hello Cazzie,
how are you?
I've been thinking about your message while doing my things yesterday.

there is something I feel you can say......
It's just an idea, I don't know if you can or think what I write is correct. Apologies if I'm on wrong track....
But I feel.....

we as carers have got to change the thought process of people in the community who don't know.

1: we need for them to take us , seriously. We love our husbands/boyfriends/sons/ daughters/ loved ones. we don't want to leave them but we want to be treated with dignity. No more a shallow interfering......why are you wif em?

We need to focus on how we care for ourselves as well as care for others who are in the 'too hard,' basket for their lives. Not for our lives.

write up a care plan.

2.

We need to fight for:

A greater number of program's to aid rehabilitation in the home.
Like silver chain and program's like someone coming in to do one activity:

But then, accountability of services.
peer support
On going genuine engagement with the community for our loved ones.
Treatment regardless of drug and alcohol use.

the list is endless.


this is the one we can get right now.

there is a really good example of a care plan, I think on the Cerenian website in Western Australia but let me check that out this afternoon.

a care plan which is accessible everywhere.
at the doctors, at service places.
So us, the carers don't need to retell retell the story of our loved ones.
so we, when we want to spend time with our loved ones, we can have more joy in ourselves.
So we the carers when we go to appointments look good.....not annoyed that we have to tell the same story again and again.

They 'they,' won't, cannot understand how we 'stay,' but maybe....when we walk around to places with a care plan on a you know wireless thingamig gig, you know, that wireless stipck thing that you cAn just push into a computer.....they will maybe have more of a sense of why we stay.
We are loved and we love.

We can even write what out loved ones like seeing us doing.