The grind

[swift]

Things are in a good place with my partner - X - who continues to go to counselling therapy and shows improvement upon improvement. After a great many years I finally feel that I'm experiencing some sort of 'dividend' in our relationship, in that we are more and more getting to a place and maintaining something that seems normal in relation to X's anxiety disorder and I don't have to walk around like on eggshells everyday. There are ups and downs of course, but overall things travelling well.

However, oddly, I find myself on some days deeply unhappy. This of course could have any number of reasons, but I can't help feeling like I am on the outside of a relationship. We talk, we have a lot of love in our family, those who depend on us are well, so in that sense we're blessed. But I feel the core attention I crave at times, not all the time - just sometimes, is simply not possible and I don't know that it ever will be. The anxiety is always centre stage, like some hungry animal always needing attention, tending, and maintenance, even if it seems mostly under control these days. 

My response is to throw myself into work and to picking up more and more of the tab at home with domestics. That works most of the time, but sometimes, like today, I wake up feeling just awful and wanting to cry. There's a chance I need to do some work on myself right now to catch up with what is still reltively new dynamic in our home. To move to a different gear and look for new opportunities to grow. 

Anyone else going through similar?

[NikNik]

Hi Swift,

I’m really happy to hear that partner x is continually improving managing their anxiety. Those eggshells can really start to hurt the feet

What your experiencing is not ‘odd’ at all. As a loved one’s condition improves or stabilises, it gives us more space to think & feel things we might have been pushing away because we had our loved ones’ wellbeing prioritised first.

But the good news is that it seems it’s time to concentrate on you! This is obviously a great thing and although you are experiencing some really negative emotions, you have the space to be aware of them – and now do something about it.

I noticed in another comment you posted, a really helpful one here for CS_8, you mentioned that you tend to be very self aware (which is evident above), however you said you mistaken your knowledge of self-awareness, as action. It sounds like you know what’s getting you down, and now the next step is to take action.

It’s great your maintain your interest in work, keeping hobbies and interests up is definitely important, but I suspect it can’t fulfill the needs from the relationship you feel your missing.

I understand it may be difficult to speak with your partner about how you’re feeling, if you’ve spent a lot of time on eggshells, but is it possible to have the discussion is an open and non threatening way?

Some actions you may find helpful include

• Speaking to a counsellor or psychologist - this could provide you with a new understanding, perspective or a strategy on how to approach the situation. 
• Couples counselling, for example, Relationships Australia. Relationships Australia even offer online chat counselling as a potential starting point. http://www.relationshiphelponline.com.au/
• Visit your partner's counsellor (with and/or without your partner)
• Connect with a carers' specific organisation such as ARAFI and ARAFEMI . Carers Australia have counselling services nationally specially for carers of people with a mental illness

Working with your partner to consciously create ways to manage the new dynamics is really important & healthy for both people in the relationship. I hope one of the above options (or combination of some) assist you in finding a way to do that, as your needs in the relationship are very important. Don't let the anxiety hog centre stage all the time.

As Swift asked, is anyone else going through this?