The grief in driving away from the hospital

[Purplewife]

Or is it relief? It's hard to tell:)

Hi, I'm Purplewife and I'm new here. Today it's one week since I drove home and left my husband in the hospital. The grief/relief has been hard to separate (not to mention all the other feelings!) but I'm finally at the point where I would like to tell someone what's going on. And it's hard to find the right person in real life. Most people don't seem to understand why this is affecting me so much and think I should just get over it....but do you just get over hospitalising the person who is your life mate, your best friend, your love?

It's probably clear I'm new to this caring business. My husband of seven years - my rock, really - never even really got a bad cold. And then 3 months ago I notice he's a stressed, two months ago he tells me he's dead and a week ago I finally get someone to listen to what we are both trying to say: he's not well and the psychosis is getting worse and we need help before he metes out the punishment he thinks he deserves on himself. Hence the relief and the grief.
But the grief gets worse as his diagnosis and treatment become clearer. The grief for a future planned together that I can't currently see that we'll be able to have. And I'm pretty sure you don't just get over that.

Thanks for listening.

[3forme]

Hi Purplewife, I'm so sorry that you and your husband are suffering so much. I can never stand in your shoes but I do understand your mixed emotions - the grief of leaving a loved one in hospital with an illness that turns them into someone we can't recognize, mixed with the relief that they are in a safe place and that they will be helped.

The early days of mental illness can be confusing, shocking and heart breaking, for our loved ones and for us. A lot of people don't "get it". I think its really healthy that you are writing about it and a lot of carers say that it helps them make sense of things. Its also frustrating when we have to work so hard to find help for our loved ones.

Some hospitals have a carer/family peer support worker who has lived experience of caring for someone with mental illness and can be a support, or your state may have a carer helpline that you can call and chat, find resourses etc? I have cared for loved ones with psychosis and I found that helpful.

I'll be thinking of you.

[Purplewife]

Thanks 3forme. I was at a bit of a low ebb because I'd just been through (probably the first of many) a period of thinking it was the light at the end of the tunnel way off in the distance, when it was really a train 🙂 I guess there's a lot to get used to in caring for a mentally ill person; I think I was still foolishly expecting a smooth progression like he had appendicitis or similar.
Thanks for the tip about the peer support worker - I actually got the address for this forum from one. But I wasn't really up to talking when I grabbed the pamphlet; perhaps next time.
Thanks for the thoughts.

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Purplewife, maybe your husband will recover quicker than you may imagine..sometimes having a mental health crisis can end up being transformative, as it will definitely change your husband's life and your's..if you are not sure about peer support worker, often there are carer consultants you can ask to meet with. Take care..personally my relationship with my husband improved after my mental health crisis..it really opened my eyes to how committed we are to each other..

[Purplewife]

Thanks @Alessandra1992. The stories of hope are good to counteract the unhelpful game of 'what if' that it's hard to stop myself playing. But the support from the hospital has been great so I'm feeling a bit better today. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

[cheersquad]

@purplewife,

What a huge thing to see your rock so unwell. I really feel for you. My husband has only been in hospital overnight twice. The time I called the ambulance to take him there is still close to the most traumatic experience I've been through. It was a major turning point and 18mths later he is doing well and so are we.

There is no wrong or right way to feel about this just allow yourself to feel. Remember that the last few months you have seen an illness not him.

How are you looking after you at the moment? It might be a good time to chat to a counsellor or something like that yourself. Even more important if support network don't understand. MI is hard at the best of times but if it happened really quickly and you didn't have any time to prepare or learn I can imagine it's even harder.

There are a number of discussions on this site about looking after yourself they may be worth a look. Once he is well enough to come home you want to be strong for both of you. Think of this as respite for you and a much needed time to heal.

Hope you are both doing well over the last week.

Cheersquad

[zipper]

Hi

I havent been on the forums for a while but going through and seeing the heading about driving away from the hospital brought back some memories, that tears at my heart and brings me to tears

I was never upset after leaving my husband in hospital as I knew he was in the best place, but one time he said some really hurtful things as I was leaving.  I was heartbroken, after doing everything for him, bearing the burden of family life and he says these things to me (you know I dont even remember what they were) but I was inconsolable.  I had to turn around and drive to my brother in laws house, who was the closest person, at 10pm at night and just pour my heart out

That is something I have never forgotten

I also believe hospitals can do better at the admission stage in regard to the wife/partner - who in an instant has become a carer.  The wife/partner should be considered and given much more information in regard to their own welfare at the early stages.  If you have that information at the very beginning you are better informed for the life ahead and better equipped for when the partner returns home

take care

zz

[cheersquad]

So true in relation to hospitals!!! Really great post @zipper.

[Purplewife]

Thanks for replying @cheersqaud and @zipper. I agree zipper, more information at the start would have been great. I didn't even know he was going to be admitted, no one in the ED actually told us. Since then things have been much better with communication and assistance for me, but in the first few days I had no idea what was going on and was a bit at sea.

[annie1268]

i vividly recall the first time i drove away from an adult Mental healthfacility leaving my then 18 year old baby girl behind those doors with all those people with god knows what mental health problems and all those nurses holled up behind their safey glass..i was 75 kms from home and sobbed all the way..guilt grief and after 7 returns it hasnt got much easier.and you are so right nobody knows the feelings unless they themselves have done it, its difficult for family and friends that have no idea about mental illness they just see the stress were under and blame the patient for putting us under it  ..i would dearly love to be able to talk to someone who knows me at that time but usually 2am is a lonley isolated time of day.so as a newcommer to this group i fully understand where your coming from