Son needs to leave home (31)

[sharona]

My 31 year oldson still lives with me. I really struggle to support us both. There are ok times, but every day he will bring me to tears at some point with his aggression and rudeness. I have to hold down a job but I feel like I am really losing my own mental health and breaking. I live in Sydney.I have just given my son a months notice to leave but I know he won't. Not sure of the diagnosis as it keeps changing and his psychologist won't talk to me. I can wake up and spend hours before work trying to think of ways to make him better or happier but , as today, just be abused verbally and emotionally. He is very against getting ny government hlp but doesn't have a job and I think would be unable to hold one down right now. (I know!) One diagnosis thrown around was Avoidant Personality Disorder. He cannot take any negative judgements so when I have ever tried to get some disability support for him (as advised by people from mental health, doctors etc) he finds it too confronting and lies about his life and health, saying how greta it is. Thats good, say the people listening. No help. Now he's feeling some motivation to get out of bed and wants to go to the gym. I don't have money for this yet and he's so frustrated with my 'lack of support'. UNfortunately I'm a casual worker and the work and costs of Matthews doctors and life  mean we live on credit. All of that is one thing, but to have him abuse me and blame me is becoming over time more than I can deal with. I also have an anxiety disorder but I function if not being totally bullied and abused. 

The problem is, where to turn? Matthew needs to break away from here and be independent from me. He's frustrated living with his Mum, no friends, no girlfriends. Normal really. But he can't  stand on his own feet or  live with other (judgemental) people.  

All fine, but I am falling apart.

[Goddards]

As mums we dont give up do we!!! We carry on and sometimes make too many excuses for our sons behaviours. My husband and I have done the same for years and years. Our son is now 40, married for the second time, 3 engagements, 2 suicide attempts, and countless other girl firends he dumped, jobs dumped, Oh so much. Anytime we mentioned the drinking anger and absue, fists through doors, doors slammed so the thought they just might come off the hings next time. He was caught drink drivin twice, so that meant for him to get to any sort of work,it was up to us to get him there. I had a small business which he helped with!!! He drunk there and hid bottles, hid bottles in his car around the house, stole our small amount of drink, and still it goes on.

He is now accusing me of not caring for him as a child he cared for me apparently!!! His syblings know the truth, he says I have BPD, which I dont he is accusing me of anything and everything.

We went away for a year and arrived back in Australia last November, we told him and his wife before we got back they would have to leave, yes, they were all living with us with the new baby!! We got home and they had gone. We had to basically redecorate the place they occupied on our property, and we have put our house on the market now!!!

It has been so peaceful without him, without th worry he might rush in and shout at us, abuse us as he did. We were too frightened to respond, so we kept quiet. But hes gone along with his little family. We still get abusive emails or texts, but there is an hour travel between us and as they dont have much money he cant afford to get to us, than god.

 what can I say to you. Your son needs to leave, for your sanity. We are still recovering from him.  Our other three children are talking to us normally once again, as I think they had had enough and watching us try and help him became too much to bear, so we heard less and less from them, so we have normal relationships back again. I can love as normal again, laugh again, and of course cry again, because I still miss him, after all he is my son. I had our children out of love, and that never changes, but you have to be strong somehow. I am not sure how you can get your son to leave, is there someone who can stand by you. Is there a charity like Sane that can help you. You need help with this.

Believe me, its awful to ask them to leave, but you can become a normal person again in your own eyes. Its hard. 

I am always here if you need any help. Us mums know the pain mental problems cause, and again we dont give up do we, but we have to survive!!

I send love!!

[Louise]

A very difficult situation. I feel for you, as you are doing the best you can but are getting so worn down with it. I do hope you are getting some support. There is no excuse for abuse, no matter what diagnosis your son has. Also, you can't be expected to keep supporting him financially at his age.

Do you have a good friend who could back you up by being present when you have a conversation with your son about leaving home? Or could you somehow arrange for a social-worker or mediator to be present? I don't know if there are charities or support services that could assist in this way? You need some support so that your son takes you seriously.

Moving out could be a long process and perhaps a complex one, but he needs to start taking real steps towards that goal.

[ivana]

It's great that your son wants to join a gym and please remember to "celebrate" this instead of just focusing on the negatives as it shows he has determination,will,motivation and a desire for his life to be better.
Not only will this help his health but will also provide a social atmosphere for him too!
The YMCA has a programme called Brightside which offers free access for a month to a Y facility for people with mental lllness.
http://www.ymcansw.org.au/what-we-do/community-programs/brightside
(I hope the above link won't be against Saneforums policy)

In your other thread/discussion, a contributor mentioned a method called Non Violent Communication.
He/she stated:
"One useful method of communication I have studdied and persued (but forgotten for the moment in my own low mood)...is Non-Violent Communication (Roosevelt). NVC is a method of communication we, the carer, learning the method and keeping what we have leared to ourself (s). It primarily (summary of course) is understanding the sufferers feeling and needs. We cannot know how they feel, it is impossible, but we can ask them, whilst admitting we cannot understand. Listen, listen & listen and ask what do they need to do to change how they feel. The sufferer is able to then possibly see the answer for themself. Of course when the time is right. Remaining firm with our boundaries where possible.
You can view this online and I remember when I learned of this method that I wished I had know of it all of my life. Also available from Libraries to hire DVD. Most of the material is on the website...."

I'm wondering whether you got a chance to follow through with that?
It might not be realistic for your son to move out right now,so it's important to apply the things that have been suggested so you can move forward instead of repeating the same patterns with your son and keep feeling a sense of victim hood as that's not empowering to your and your sons relationship.
Have you yourself considered doing a yoga or Pilates course,painting or some other stress reliever?

It's unfortunate that some doctors feel justified in charging struggling people fees that they can't afford as it just contributes to widening the gap between the wealthy and the poor in Australian society.

[MIFANTCARER]

My story is similar however it is my DAD not my son. I never thought that I would have to be the parent. Anyway, Dad has not worked in 7 years and has been living at my place the whole time, rent/everything free!! I understand it is difficult for him and I understand that he can't work and has no where to go but it has been a huge burden to carry and difficult on my own mental health and pocket.

He too likes to pretend that nothing is wrong and keeps secrets about his condition. He tells everyone he is fine but he is not. I am always delaing with his mood swings, anger and depression.

He lies to the doctor and centerlink and will not attend programs or do anything to change his condition.

He often sleeps all day and is sitting waiting for me to come home. I know he is lonely but it an be exhausting!!!

I just couldn't do it alone anymore, I needed a voice so I turned to a Carers servcie. There are many in each state and Territory, Carers organisation or Mental inllness fellowship. I found that they created a voice for me and worried about my wellbeing and role. They were able to offer councilling, advocay and referals. 

Dad still lives with us but on my terms butI have control of the situation and financial help with makes it easier. We are working towards him moving out and putting things in place to make it easier to transition.

Good luck and stay strong 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi  @MIFANTCARER 

It is great to hear you found support that works for you! And for having the confidence to pass it on to someone else who is looking for help.

Great job!

Outlanderali

[sharona]

Hi Mifant. Cater,
Thanks so much for your comments,sharing and advice. Sorry it's taken so long to reply or follow up. I am finalizing an application for my son to receive a DSP. It is very difficult as he's nit supportive of the process. I received some support and advice from the Welfare Rights Centre in Sydney. It's a step. His psychologist has diagnosed him with Avoidant Personality Disorder primarily. That's another step.
It's difficult to go through with this process as it causes my son to become decidedly worse to be confronted with his issues. The mood swings and abuse continue daily. I struggle to stay motivated.
I will try to access the carers counseling you recommended next.
Thank you again. I'll let you know how it goes.

[sharona]

Yes,of course it is great that he wants to go to the gym and that he has shown some motivation to move forward . I looked at the YMCA program online and will see if it's available anywhere nearby and recommend it to him. If I seem a but underimpressed, it's just that I go through theses ups and downs a lot and the more positive and enthusiastic he seems,the bigger and longer lasting the disappointment,anger and pain later. Still,I encourage it.

I will look into the NVC now.

No,I haven't looked into pilates etc for stress relief. I really can't focus on anything like that right now. I think you need to be not in chaos to be able to even go to such things. I do,seriously. So, I'm working on trying to get him some disability support payments and getting my financial situation at less back to zero. Then,I want to find a way to maybe get some help with our family dynamics ,by which I especially mean, reducing the abuse,if possible. Once thus stops and I regain some sense of self worth, the rest will follow.

Thanks

Sharona

[sharona]

Louise,. You're advice and comments were so helpful. I don't have family in Australia and no friends who I could ask. I plan to help my son become basically more financially independent and try to access a social worker ir similar to try to help create some more understanding re the abuse. If that could be rebalanced,I could probably work through the rest. I've invested too much to give up just yet. It will take a bt more time and I am not managing to get a reduction in his taking out his frustrations on me. His feelings are understandable but this is simply not sustainable.

[ivana]

I hope all goes well with the payments and that you are able to find someone to help with the families dynamics and effective communication so that you can find win-win solutions:)

Perhaps if you tell your son noone has to know hes receiving the DSP unless he chooses to tell them then maybe he will be more accepting of it because he is then able to retain his feelings of dignity and pride and not fear he will be judged or receive stigma/negative pressumptions..?