I honestly can't stand it...or can I?

[fuvia]

Everyday, I live in uncertainty a to whether we are going to have a happy regular day, or one filled with stress, sorrow and brittleness. X is fully employed, the world thinks X is lovely, wonderfully social,, but at home X falls apart. 

Lived with X  for decades  - X an insomniac, regularly full stressed, and it would appear grieving very poor parenting in past. Some years of therapy, helping generally, but skirting round the dark centre which keeps appearing at home. Its hard to explain, but regular things like housework (which I now do most of) become laden with stress and worry - just a vehicle for other things not being dealt with. Social life, finances, myriad of choices in life all affected. I don't regret being with X, because of the children we have. 

X has just been away for a few days, and all things normal in thier absence. Upon return, a pall has returned on the house . Part of me wants to get the f&&% out of here but scared X will do something to themselves one day if I do. The children are more important to me than feeling like I'm living the life I'd like to lead (beyond parenting, which X has given me, for that I am eternally grateful).

The anxiety and stress is a corrsive, everyday it eats at all the small things that should be able to be innocent, unburdened, easy things of living, and potentially joyful from time to time. It, the anxiety, also eats all of the time spent talking, so I'm never on the agenda, and whe  I need support it is never there, as X is too abnxious and brittle.

Usually I don't complain, but I feel really over it tonight. I wonder if anyone else has these sorts of feelings? I want to walk away but I can't and I wont. I do love X, but I feel in peril, like my life's opportunities are slipping away, and I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing by my life by staying with X. I've wondered that for years.

As the kids get older I don't know if we'll have a future. I'd like to think we would after so many years, but the darkness and anxiousness is not shifting, even if X is dealing with it a lot better more often, these days.

We've tried a number of therapists over the years, and X has recently accepted a quasi diagnosis of general anxiety disorder, but nonetheless continues to put disproprtionate emotional value on very little things - they become cause of great distress and undermine all emotional foundations, se we need to build them all back up again it seems so often, on a daily basis.

I really cant stand it, but I must. Its horrible, but nothng compared ot the suffering of so many others. I feel like I'm rambling now, but just wondering if anyone else relates.

[Jade]

I can relate to you.
When I was with my daughters father who had been diagnosed as bipolar but wouldn't take medication it was like walking on eggshells all the time. You could not rely on him for anything. He had self harmed in the past and threatened to do it if I left with my daughter. He would not stay in a job as there was always some conspiracy to get him sacked.
I loved him but in the end I had to leave for mine and my daughters safety.
I hope you can find someone you can talk to as your mental health will suffer and if you are ill the children will have no stability or support
My heart goes out to you, remember to take time for yourself and be kind to yourself.

[3forme]

Yes, I also hope you can find some help and that things get better for you. When our loved ones are unwell it can have such a big impact on the whole family. Its almost like you have a different face and persona that you put on so that you don't trigger an unexpected reaction.

[Ruby]

Yes, I can relate to the feelings you describe. I was in a similar relationship for many years with the father of my children. Finally a 'last straw' descended on my back and I left - it was difficult and ugly but I kept thinking that if I stayed, my children would think that I accepted the treatment dished out to me and that this was an acceptable way for families to treat each other - so I stuck to that thought and that kept my teeth gritted through the difficulties of leaving - I left with my children and car, and not much else to an unknown area and world. I had given my husband many many opportunities and support to start healing himself - he still to this day has not been to a doctor or even recognises his mental illness (bi polar I think), but blames everybody and everything around him for every part of his life. He had a priviledged up bringing and fantastic schooling but cannot understand that he is unwell. I feel sad for him, but know that I did the right thing by me and my children by setting up a boundary that said 'No, I do not accept this', because ultimately by staying I was allowing him to stay on the same unhealthy road he was travelling on, and dragging us all along. I am now married to a wonderful partner, although he too went through a first marriage, where his wife was mentally unwell - she attempted and threatened suicide on many occasions, but when her husband left her she became a lot more resilient, happier and her health has improved. None of us can know the future, we can only do at the present time what we know in our heart is the right thing, and I do believe that through love comes a level of respect that ultimately determines that, as adults, we need to accept a level of responsibility for our own lives.

[VCS]

Fuvia, that is the nature of mental illness, it appears that people are able to cover/control their illness when in the public arena, and revert back when they are in comfortable surrounds and feel that they can be themselves.  It also creates more stress for your husband having to control his feelings while away from his "safe" place which would probably make him worse when he gets home. You need to focus on your health and wellbeing, do you do anything for you?  Even a walk around the park for an hour a day can bring clarity and calmness to your life.  Do you attend any support groups?  They can help you sort through issues you have with people who have the same issues.  There are also organisations such as Carers Victoria who offer free counselling, this is helpful as it gives you a place to vent your frustrations to somebody who can offer support to you and help you to cope/deal better with your husband and his illness.  Please do not lose yourself in your husbands illness for your sake and your childrens.