How Do I Know What To Do?

[Snowdrop]

I am 65 and have a 35 year old son who is seriously depressed. He has seen psychologists, psychiatrists, is on medication. He holds down a professional job and for the most part seems ok. But then he has 'a bad day' and I just don't know what to do or say to help him. We live in different states and I visit when I can and we talk about every second day. The medication doesn't seem to do the job properly even though he has been on different types for many years. 

He tries and I believe has a good sense of what is wrong with them but when he is down it is awfull and as his mother I feel broken hearted. I know though I have to put my feelings aside and think about him. Sometime he will make a comment and I just can't go further with it or ask him more about it because I get so anxious and I won't know what to say to him.

I'm frightened if I say the wrong thing and I'm frightened if I don't say anything at all. I just don't know what to do.

I had a friend who just said - he's 35 let him know you are there but let him get on with it. How can I let him get on with it if he rings and is tearful? How can I not ring him and ask him how he is even though doing it makes me anxious until he answers the phone.

Then if he says 'we never did speak about such and such' I am quiet because I feel I can't cope with talking about the specific subject whatever it is because usually it frightens me. He says does it frighten you and I say yes and that is why I cannot speak easily about it. But I feel I am letting him down. He has few friends and none that seem to understand his issues.

I don't think there is an answer to my question but I am hoping that someone can give me a pointer, tell me they have been in a similiar position, give me some thoughts.

I know he tries but when he gets down he cannot see the light of day. It breaks my heart.

Thank you.

[Untethered]

The curse of the parent, my daughter is only 17 and after only a few years of mental illness being a part of our family I know the anxiety that it can create. I feel like my life has been put on hold and struggle to keep it together often. I have been advised by many health care professionals that I need tto let my daughter make her bad choices, hit rock bottom and take responsibilty for it all herself, with me there to support and love her. I haven't managed to do this yet... like you it feels like I would be turning my back on her but at the same time I have to remind myself that I have needs as well, the need to be able to go to work at not worry about what she is doing or who she is with or f she is O.K, the need to be able to sleep at night and hope she will be O.K when i get up, the need to have more in life that work and worry.. my daughter too wants to discussnissues I don't want to hear, but i do it anyway, then i usually go away and hide my tears from her.. this is changing slowly, let your son know how YOU feel, how his illness affects you, not with blame and judgement, but as loving members of a family in crisis. Maybe research other services or facilities he may not have accessed yet, a support grojp he may be able to join, or if it really is too tough, suggest he phones a mental health line about the big hairy problems before he disusses it with. Most of all love him but at the same time, be kind to yourself. (Hey, wish i could take my own advice, knowing what needs to be done and actually doing t are two vastly different thigs).  Good Luck, you are not alone.

[Attahua]

Hi, I understand this must be a very difficult time for you but sometiimes for your son knowing that you are a phone call away is enough. I am 44 and suffer clinical depression, I too hold down a professional job, have a family and am also a carer to my fiancé who has schizo effective disorder so life can get pretty depressing sometimes. My mum is also a phone call away and although she cannot fix my issues she simply listens and reassures me that 'these feelings will pass" and that if I need her she will come!!! It is fantastic that your son has reached out and obviously recognised that he needs support if he has taken himself to doctors and got himself medication....it takes an enormous amount of strength to do that. Maybe it is a case of his meds needing tweaking or a change as there are so many different meds out there and it is just a matter of finding the one that suits. All you can really do is reassure him that you love him and are there for him. I know it is difficult but when he does make a comment, although you may not know what to say to him, acknowledge the fact that you heard him and be honest maybe....simply tell him you do not know what to say. Keep contact with him so he knows you are there....that is what my mum does for me and although I probably don't tell her it is just enough for me knowing she is listening!!! All the best !!!!

[Snowdrop]

Thank you to those people who responded. I do let him know I am there for him, he always knows this, but at the same time both he and I know that I never quite get my responses right. I try, believe me I try but somehow it always ends up wrong.

He rang today to ask if I could go and visit and help him and of course I said yes. He said he needs help with several things (he told me what they are) and that if he could get them done things would be easier. I've booked to go down but already I worry that I won't be able to get him the correct help with the things he needs help with - they are business related and so beyond me. And I also believe that with the things I can help him with I won't do it the right way. So I know he will be grateful for my help, it leaves me feeling a total idiot and I worry that he is back to square one.

I try and be positive but sometimes I just want to yell and run away and have a 'normal' life. But I know it is not his fault. He does try. He goes to medical practitioners, takes his medicine - which has been tweeked so many times it's not funny and even his many calls to me are not only because I am his mum, but are also an extention of the help he is asking for. He thinks I may know the answer.

And thereby is the problem. His dad and I search for an answer. We listen to what he is saying and then see if we can give an answer that will help but we have run out. If money were no issue then maybe he could give up his work for a while and go into a clinic where he could have close/regular counselling.. Would this work though? I don't know.

I so want to help but don't know how and am frightened I may say the totally wrong thing but feel I have to try.

[NikNik]

Hi @Snowdrop , @Attahua and @Untethered 

Elainec, it was tough to read your story; your love and commitment for your son was so evident in your writing.

I wanted to let you all know that tomorrow night (24 March) at 7pm AEDT, Topic Tuesday will be looking at the topic: 'Is life not quite what you expected? A discussion about the loss a carer experiences'

Untethered, you were  spot on by saying 'be kind to yourself'. All too often we focus on the person we care for (of course!), when we could be finding some 'answers' by also focusing on ourselves.

I really hope you all join the conversation tomorrow night, it should be a very interesting discussion. You can read more here

Nik

[Snowdrop]

Unfortunately I can't join in the talk as I am off to my son after another call from him. I know that I can't keep running down to him (its so expensive due to the distance) but while I can I feel I have to and things seem bad right now.

I am bothered because I know my suggestions will go down like lead balloons - and to be honest I don't know any more which of them is best. Am I kidding myself that there is an answer? But if there isn't then this is his life and that is terrible.

Of all things I have always thought to be awfull being lonely and alone seems one of the worst and that is how he is. I know this is caused by his issues but that doesn't make it easier for either of us.

Doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists don't help - or don't appear to have helped - who else is there?

Are they not helping because he is not helping himself? If that is so how do I get him to listen and perservere at what they say.

Felling more lost than before. They say ignorance is bliss. I'm beginning to feel that is correct. The more I try and find a resolution and the more I have delved further into the issues the more lost and totally useless I feel.

How can it be you can't help your child? - doesn't matter how old they are. It's just that feeling of uselessness.

[Tatsinda]

I think the main thing I aim to do when my husband is depressed is gently remind him that he is feeling down because he is unwell - ie I try to help him see that his version of reality is clouded by his illness. I also encourage him that things can get better and remind him of whatever treatment plan we are working through. I guess I try to offer him hope. I can't fix his problems but I can help him gain some perspective on them.

[ivana]

Would you mind saying what makes him depressed?
Eg:is it external circumstances such as girls or work etc or not knowing how to cope with certain circumstances that pop up?