BPD

[Leigh]

Hi I am a mother of a 30 year old man whose GP says has BPD. He is highly intelligent but unstable at times with substance abuse. He has seen Psychiatrists in the past and says they are useless and refuses to go again.He seems to display many of the symptoms of BPD.

The current problem is that he has recently  focused in on me and is verbally bullying and persecuting me. I just dont know the best way to responnd. If I withdraw he attacke me for not being there for him. If i try to support I am stoping him being independant. This behaviour has been going on for some months and I feel exhausted.

His father is not being targeted and says to stay away from him, but I am attacked either way. I try not to respond to the abuse because it causes it to esculate, but it is hard to be vilified in this way.He also demands money, We are not young and dont have a lot of money.

Does anyone have any advice for me on the best way to deal with this situation. It is affecting our marriage which has always been solid.

[CherryBomb]

Hello @Leigh 

Welcome to the Forums.

Being on the receiving end of someone's hostile behaviour is horrible. It sounds like no matter what you do, your son is unhappy with your efforts.

While your son is unwell,  bullying and aggressive behaviour is never ok. Setting boundaries is important. Not only can they keep you emotionally and physically safe, but they can also demonstrate to your loved one that certain behaviour is not ok.

@3forme posted a fantastic post here, which provides some information about courses that are availble for people who care for/about someone with a mental illness, which can teach you how to establish boundaries and communicate more effectively with your loved one. Perhaps @3forme can share some ways they use boundaries in their relationship?

Also @Jacob101 and @Kiera80 may be able to provide some advice too. They have both responded to aggressive and/or demanding behaviour by setting clear boundaries and using commuication skills.

@Kiera80 in particular has a sibling with BPD, and has also felt drained due to some challenging behaviours. You can read about it here. We've also had a new member, @Valda who also has an adult child with BPD that you might want to connect with. You can view their post here.

Do any of our members have any advice for Leigh?

Again, welcome to the Forums.

CB

[Jacob101]

Hi Leigh u could be describing my ex partner (I'm still his carer but because of his violent and aggressive nature I had to set him up in other apartment). He in 30s and while his attitude to me is at times as you describe, a constant theme durin our 9 years together has been the same attitude towards his mother as you describe comes from your son. Exactly. He even tried to get an AVO against her for psychological abuse. But it is all in his head. She is very caring and understanding of his bpd. I don't know if it is something common in the illness that guys honed in on their mothers or if it is that because they are often the closet thing to them that they tend to hurt them the most ( knowing their mothers will never abandon them). But I witness it all the time. But in the good times my ex would always do things for his mum ... Lavish her with gifts, etc. so obviously it is the psychosis ... It's not what he really feels. So advice ..... Well you need to keep a boundary so you are safe. I've had too many near misses ( and I'm light and nimble so can run) but I couldn't have my ex near his mum in that mood for her own safety. Secondly you need to explain to your son that he can't behave like that and be rewarded by u giving in. I know that is more difficult (before Xmas I had my ex ring me saying he was taking a hammer to my car if I didn't transfer $ to him) ... And he would do it! Is there some intermediary who can assist? Another family member ? Especially if u visit him. Ultimately if it gets too bad u need to get police or local mental health team involved, but that sometimes has back fired on me. I guess the main thing is that I'm convinced he really doesn't mean this towards you ... It's the pychosis talking and acting. So don't despair. It sounds like he needs stay in hospital. Happy to discuss more. J

[Leigh]

Thank youJacob It is difficult with other family as he has alienated them with firstly his drug use and even though that is so much better, his behaviour towards us.He is OK with his father and I have been stepping back and not seeking contact with him. This is OK unless he decides to visit us, and then he starts on me.
I have decided to take a break and visit one of my other children who lives in Asia.
When he finds this out he will view it as me being disloyal to him,as he is extremely jealous of this son ,who has been fairly successful in his work.
I am leaving this week and will be away a month so I am hoping this will give us both some breathing space. He may see it as me abandoning him but I am so exhausted I need a break.
I have been a strong resourceful woman throughout my life and don't really know how I have become so intimidated by him. I think he triggers something from my childhood,he is a similar build to my dad who was a dominating and sometimes violent character.
Anyway thanks again for your response, it helps to vent a bit!

[3forme]

Hi Leigh, its a tough situation to be in. The first thought that came into my mind is your personal safety. I hope that this is never an issue as you say that the abuse is verbal but your safety, and that of your family is the priority. If you need to leave your home or call for help, its worth it to keep youself safe.

As Cherry Bomb says, this type of behaviour is not OK. My loved ones with psychosis always tell me that mental illness is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Its so tough as we want to support our loved ones and sometimes setting boundaries can be the best way to do this. It would be great to have other family members on the same page and present a "united front".

The "Project Air" website (Uni of Woolongong) has some of the best material I have seen for carers of loved ones with BPD. In fact, lots of their material is great for carers of anyone with a mental illness!! 

Some of the fact sheets give really helpful communication strategies. They have a DVD called "staying connected" aimed at families and partners. It costs $30 and can be ordered from the website, but maybe someone else knows where you can view a copy? I have watched it a few times and found it really useful. Another recommended book (I haven't read it myself) is "Walking on Eggshells" (Mason, Kreger), but the website has a list of books.

I'm really glad you are going away for a break as you sound exhausted.

[Leigh]

Thank you 3forme for responding to my post. I have had a quick look at the website and it looks to be very useful. I will order the DVD when I get back.

I do not think he would physically hurt me, on one occaision he  stood in a doorway and prevented me from getting out and it was terrifying.He is a big man. However that was several years ago and since then he has moved on in many ways.

I think the hardest part is really accepting he has a mental illness. For a long time we blamed it on the drug use but he was probably self medicating. He was different even as a child but we did not see this as a negative at the time.He also suffered sexual abuse while at school in preps but did not disclose this until he was an adult.He will not discuss it now and refuses to have any form of counselling,and will not even disclose his issues to his Dr.I realise that it is his life and he has the right to decide what happens in it.In my heart I do not believe he will get better unless he is prepared to face the inevitable pain he will have to go through.

Anyway I am leaving and looking forward to the break. The trick for me is to stop worrying about him while I am away! Thanks again.

[Kiera80]

Good morning @Leigh and thank you @CherryBomb for the mention in your post.

Gosh, where to start with BPD.  BPD is one of those mental illnesses that keeps you guessing all the time.  One day the person that has BPD will act one way and the next day it's all different again.  They are never on the same wavelength as you.

My sibling also thinks that doctors and psychs are useless because they don't know anything and can't help in any way.  It wasn't until my sibling ended up with several psych ward emergency visits that the doctors started to sit up and take notice that something wasn't quite right.  By the way, most psychiatrists and doctors hate BPD because it can be quite difficult to treat.  No kidding!!!  Your son kind of has a point because some of them really don't have much of a clue when it comes to BPD.

The book "Walking on Eggshells" that @3forme  mentioned will give you some idea about what's going on in your sons head.  For us normal people it's all quite bizarre.  When I first tried to read the book it totally defeated me.  The information in it was just too much to take in.  On my second attempt I got a bit further.  A year on I have nearly gotten all the way through the book but I also have a much clearer head now that my sibling is on medication.  When you're in the thick of things, with the abuse and horrible behaviour you can't think straight anyway and the book confused me more than helped me.  I don't want to put you off in any way and if you do read it I hope you have better luck than I did.

I absolutely recommend seeing a counsellor for yourself - someone who has some knowledge about BPD.  I mean, if some doctors can't even deal with people who have BPD how the hell are we meant to.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  I can't say enough about getting this right.  I didn't have any when my sibling went completely nuts and boy was it to my own detriment.  Learn as much as you can about setting them and sticking to them like glue.  Boundaries will help you keep some of the sanity you have left.

Learn how to say no. When the abuse starts you say "no, I'm not listening to this until you can speak to me calmly" or "no, I do not have money to give you so stop asking me".  A no does not need to be explained, no matter how the other person hounds you for an explanation - and believe me they will.  When you say "no", then that is the end of the conversation.  No ifs, no buts. Your no should become gospel.  It's an amazing boundary to have.  Ignore the temper tantrum that follows.

Dealing with someone who has BPD is challenging at the best of times.  It's almost like dealing with someone who's 5 years old.  You need to make yourself very clear about what is allowed and what isn't.  Don't ever say something that can be thrown back in your face.  Don't ever promise anything you can't deliver.  When you talk to your son be very, very clear in what you want to say.  Then ask him to repeat that back to you so you know he understood.  If you don't understand him (which will happen often) make sure you ask for clarification, even if you end up sounding like a broken record going over things a few times.

I also can't emphasize enough the importance in your son seeing someone who specialises in BPD.  There aren't many out there (because BPD is quite often put in the too hard basket) but be persistant and do what you can.  Many of the carer services will know of people who do specialise. 

The substance abuse isn't going to help him either but I'm sure you know that.  Is he getting any help in that department?

In my experience BPD can make people do evil things.  They will do things on purpose to hurt you.  My sibling has plotted and schemed behind my back to carry out the worst things against me as well as my family.  If this ever happens to you make sure there are consequences or it will happen again and again and again. 

Can I ask you how much your husband has seen or heard in regards to what's going on with you and your son?  If he knows everything then really, I would expect him to put his foot down and stand behind you 100%.  If he is not completely aware then you need to start telling him every little thing that's happening on a daily basis if it's that frequent.  Do not isolate yourself.  You both need to represent a united front.

Also, what medication has the GP put your son on to treat the BPD?

[Valda]

Hi Leigh am am the mother of a 26 year old girl with BPD, and when l read your post l really related to how you are feeling and what you are going through. It is so hard when your child that you love more than anything is verbally abusing you and telling you that it's your fault how they are and that you don't understand them. A friend told me to look for a book called Walking On Eggshells and also The walking On Eggshells hand book they both explain how to handle the situation when you are being abused . Also explains a lot about BPD maybe while you are on holidays you can give it a read, have a good holiday and look after yourself as without you your son would be lost, always remember your son is like this with you because he knows you love him always remember he loves you as well 🙂 just one question before l go is your son on meds.

[Leigh]

Thank you Keira and Valda. I have a copy of Walking on Eggshells, it gave me the first clue as to what his illness was.

He has been on every medication known to man. The website wont let me name them but mood stabilisors, major tranquilisers,anti depressants, sleeping tablets, anti anxiety and relaxants and drug replacement therapy foor his addiction.

He has what is known as a paradoxical reation to anti depressants amd they are ineffective.He recently stopped the mood stabilisors as he had put on a huge amount of weight, and this was making him more depressed.No medication seems to offer him relief.

His illegal drug taking has really improved, from full addiction to occasional use.

He has a young daughter from a past relationship and the one thing I am in awe of is his parenting ability.He is a wonderful father and is adored by his daughter. Somehow when she is there he manages to behave positively and responsibily. When she goes back to her mother he falls in a heap.Her mother also has a personality disorder, so of course we worry for our granddaughter's future. She is fine and delightful at the moment.

Anyway I fly out tomorrow for a month and I thank you all for your help and for reading about my issues. I plan a lot of massages,plenty of sleeps and some swims, and hopefully not a lot of thinking!

[Kiera80]

Good morning Leigh, I found too that my sibling has an aversion to medication.  Sleeping is also a big problem.  There have been so many different drugs that we have looked at.  My sibling has also put on weight due to some of the meds.  Overall it's not a good scenario.

Thank you for sharing about your grand daughter.  Isn't it great that he's a good Dad?  That's obviously a very positive influence in his life.

I hope you have an awesome time away and do all of those things you have planned.  Sounds wonderful.  I'm off for a break in 3 weeks and so looking forward to being away for a bit.  Make the most of it and just veg out.  Leave all your worries behind you for a while.  Sounds like you deserve a good get away.