SANE Forums

[Uglygirl87]

Hi all, new here. I'm 36 and diagnosed bpd and adhd, still trying to get asd diagnosis.  Have 2 kids with asd, adhd, one with bpd. Have had major depression since 14, and have felt ugly but also stunning my whole life. I can't handle partners looking at other women online or naked in movies TV shoes porn etc. It has caused enormous trauma, I get heart palpation, sweating, shakes, feeling like I'm going to throw up. I've tried to get help for so long, but no one can help me. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am sick of feeling like a teenager, scared of everyday life, want to hide because I feel like I am so ugly. No one wants me. I try to reach out for support and people laugh at me

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @Uglygirl87 

Awwww. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much at the moment. I have BPD, and I know first hand what some of the thoughts people with BPD battle with.

I'm sorry that people laugh at you when you seek support. I read that you know things need to change because it's just not working for you.

What would you like to see change first? What's most important for you at the moment?

Please know you are not alone. It took me many many years to find the right treatment and then I engaged in therapy for a few years to get to the place I am now.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

[Uglygirl87]

If I could not care about partners looking at other women that would solve all my issues I guess.  I probably would have been married by now if I had have been able to be normal about him watching a TV show that had strippers on it instead of going into a rage. 

[tyme]

Hey @Uglygirl87 ,

Have you had a chance to work with something through some of these struggles?

Maybe it's totally okay that you are not okay with your partner watching strippers etc.

For me, I found that I often flew out in a rage. The hard part was talking about it when I cooled down so that the other person knew what was going on. Do you think he is aware of how you feel?

[Uglygirl87]

Yes most definitely he knows. We have argued for 10 years about it. I've told him exactly how it makes me feel. He says I'm being stupid. That  It doesn't mean anything and that there's nothing wrong with it. But he also says because I have accused him of looking at it when he may not have been he decided to just go look at it anyway because I accused him of it. It's something no one has ever been able to accept , the way I feel about that subject.  It is literally ruining my life and the worst thing in the world to me. I know that I'm not going to be the best looking person in the world but I do expect to be the best looking in the eyes of my partner which is how I feel about him. I can admit there's other good looking men out there but they aren't better than him. And I have no interest in them. Whereas for him I feel like every other woman is going to always be way better than me in his eyes simply because he never tells me I'm beautiful,  he never reassures me and doesn't think he needs to. 

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Bow .

[Uglygirl87]

I know it is contradictory but see I have watched porn since a very young age ( well 14 I think, but before then I used to draw porn ) and have no issue myself watching it because im not threatened by other men only other women. But... if a partner asked me not to watch it I would stop. Also worth mentioning I would only watch it partner didn't give me what I needed.  Which yeah he hasn't desired sex for what seems like over a year. He says its my attitude.  But I'm quite certain it's the way I look

[Bow]

Hmm

[Anxious_Godess]

Hello beautiful woman🌸

Firstly, I want to acknowledge your pain. I can understand and relate to this deep sense of feeling not good enough, unworthy and mostly a fear of being perceived as "Ugly"...even feeling ugly to your core. I understand the sense of wanting to hide and not be seen. 

The fear of being seen. 

I want you to know that you're doing so incredible because it would be immensely difficult to cope with all that you do internally as well as looking after 2 children. That could even be draining. 

I want you to know I have battled with these very same feelings and still do. Looking back into your own childhood can bring up some great awareness of where these deep-rooted emotions are coming from. Journalling can help to bring in this awareness....

journal prompts include; 

"were you compared as a child? where in your childhood were you shamed for shining? were you made to not feel important or that your unique qualities were overlooked or shutdown? Do you feel that either one of your parents did not show up for you emotionally or physically? were you abandoned? How did your father view women? How did your mother relate to other women? did she compare herself or always try to compete? what was the relationship between your parents? what example did this set out for you when it comes to romantic relationships?" 

also, its okay to feel angry. You will grieve for the parts of your child self that were abandoned. Find a healthy outlet for this. 

understanding all of the perceptions and dynamics can allow you to undertested just how much of these beliefs you have internalised over your lifetime. 

These are subconscious wounds that stem from childhood and play out into your future relationships with others and yourself. 

In order to choose better partners who see you truly, who value you, who are not interested in things like porn, etc, then you need to first need to hold space for these parts of you that feel unworthy so that you can genuinely choose people in your life who do not have low characteristics and subconsciously confirm your wounded beliefs of "not being good enough". 

You need to redirect these thoughts and validate them. speak to yourself as if speaking to that small child. That's why you feel like a teenager/child because those are the parts of you that are still so incredibly sad, invalidated and feeling unloved. But you are NO longer that child. let the child in you know that you are the adult here for her. Validate her. Reparent her. 

You are allowed to shine. 

You are worthy of feeling beautiful. 

Your unique gifts are beautiful. 

You deserve people who respect you. 

I hope this helped. This is a continuous process. It won't happen overnight. But it's so so worth it just like you are worth it.  In time you will come so far and you will know and feel your worth. self-healing is a journey that I can attest to. 

releasing these emotions from the body can also be very helpful, you may want to try;  

-somatic tapping mediation for self-worth 

-yoga Nidra for self-acceptance 

-Radical acceptance mediations 

-journalling 

-Spinal kinetic therapy 

-hip opening/ trauma release yoga (find a gentle one. trauma is stored in the hips) 

(you can find guided practices on YouTube) 

Goodluck. I'm sending my Love