First steps

[MJG017]

Hi @Freefall 

I obviously struggle to relate to what you've been through and how it makes you feel, but I do understand that feeling of blaming and hating a part of ourselves that we see as responsible for things that happened, or didn't happen in our lives.  Even though there is a part of us that knows it wasn't our fault, it can just simpler to blame and punish ourselves because we are the ones living with the results.

So I wont tell you not to blame yourself, as I'm sure you've heard that so many times before.  But after some major health issues the past couple of years and facing certain new realities in my life, I've changed my thinking on it a bit.  Maybe it's not so much about fault after so long, but forgiving yourself.  50 years of punishment for some decisions/action which led to such a horribly traumatic event just feels like it's been long enough. 

Often we forgive other people for ourselves and our own peace rather than the person we are forgiving.  So I just wonder if after 50 years it is time to start to forgive yourself and maybe if you can do that the true source of the blame and guilt will feel clearer to you.

Like I said, I can't tell you how to feel about something so terrible you experienced, but just share an outlook from someone who has blamed himself for over 50 years for a lot of decisions as well... and that is you don't want to wait until you're facing the final few years of your life to forgive yourself and find some peace with the past.  50 years of blame is more than enough for anyone, let alone ourselves.

It's not about fixing things, just lightening that weight we carry a little bit.  I just though i'd share that with you.  Maybe it helps a little, maybe not.

[Freefall]

Hi @Jynx 

Your reply is appreciated. Thankyou. 

Still out on a question you asked - 8 years ago would I have made a post like this - probably not because I was working with a counsellor and also being an older waste-of-space I didn't even know that these sorts of places exist. Not sure how long I will be a participant - I ABHOR computers and online such. Don't understand it and would much rather be face-to-face. Phones and online I always imagine everyone laughing at and mocking this old loser. 

I have worked out that recovery is definitely not linear, but for me it actually feels like recovery is not the correct word to use - I have not recovered and I am definitely in a darker, lonelier place now than I have ever been before - hence trying this online forum.

Violent sexual assault at age 9.

Absolute denial of my situation for 10+ years (functioned as a shattered mess)

Suicide attempt and police involvement after running away as a teenager.

Simple straight to the point question by a GP blew apart my whole life (40 yrs) yet I still managed to keep it contained.

Had an amazing counsellor for 8 years - thought I had learned at least some stuff that would be useful but now find myself in a place where the stuff I had learned doesn't seem to reach deep enough into the dark downward spiral to shed any light or comfort.

Now, 50+ years on - I am still feeling like there is so much that I need help with and yet time is too short. Have a GP that I talk to, but appointments are limited and hard to come by - especially in a crisis. Have enrolled in an online mental health course (not Sane) and start in Jan. but am already starting to beat myself up for wasting someone else's time which could be directed to someone who may actually learn and grow and heal.

I berate myself constantly that I am a waste of time space and energy.

Where to from here?

[Freefall]

@MJG017 Again - thanks.

You have an interesting aspect - good to think about but here is my gut-reaction.

I have yet to find the part of me that says that my experience was not my fault - it was. I made the choices and I did it all by myself. I would love to be able to change that thought process but it is my 'default' (cool way to look at it).

I have reached a point where I have forgiven the perps. and yet I honestly don't believe that I will ever be able to forgive myself. That trauma has wound itself into my very essence - and that is why I am in such a dark lonely place now - in the last 5 years I have had other significant events which on the surface are obviously unrelated to the initial trauma and yet every single one of them has been impacted by that trauma and how I have grown (not the right word - growth is a positive word implying life).

I am seriously hoping that I am looking at my life from a final few years perspective - I'm old tired lonely and dark.

[MJG017]

@Freefall  Those "default" thoughts can feel so impossible to change, but it is possible.  I really hope you can find that eventually and get to spend some time experiencing that forgiveness for yourself that you have given the 'perps'.  That in itself shows such an amazing capacity to forgive, which makes it seem even more unfair that you cant find that for yourself.

If we here can keep reminding you that no one derserves that forgiveness more than yourself then I for one am happy to keep doing it.  And also to remind you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with using positive terms about yourself.  Anyone who hears even the simplest summary of what you've had to deal with throughout your life would be so impressed by your strength and resilence for a start.  At the very least hopefully we can make you feel less alone.