Winter solstice

[Dimity]

Longest night of the year  and the darkness and coldness have really hit. Things seem really bleak. I've been struggling for a long time and was pacing myself to this point but can't see beyond it. I'm safe but despairing. I'm trapped in a vortex of family dysfunction from earliest years and emotional pain, received and (mea culpa) inflicted. I can't help my closest sibling - all others are estranged - and I don't seem able to extricate myself from personal difficulties and dilemmas that at present ďefine me - I have no connections or other identity. I've lost faith in my mh team. 

I guess the sun will rise tomorrow, and I'll keep taking one day at a time, but I can't envision a future, my future.

[Appleblossom]

I wondered how you were @Dimity Sorry it is that way with your family.

Coldest day ... must be why I have been a bit low.

Good to see your pic.

[Dimity]

Thanks @Appleblossom 

[Appleblossom]

Does your sibling have other help @Dimity Does she rely on you for things she can do herself?

[Dimity]

My nephew helps where he can @Appleblossom. Her physical and mental health are poor and her surroundings are unsafe. She's physically and mentally unwell - incapacitated to an extent - and unable to look after herself properly. There's been a series of medical crises and she'll reject help then weep at being helpless. There's a tangle of dynamics and finances and expectations and lots of old trauma. I don't know how to navigate the next few months. I can't shake the feeling I'm living on borrowed time. 

[EternalFlower]

hi @Dimity 

That does sound deep and painful. I think you articulate it with a lot of insight.

Im sorry ur sibling is unable to care for herself. It can be very hard once self care slips and i have a history in my family of women who dont care for themselves. I hope u are ok and able to care for ursel and find a little hope to hold onto💎✨💖

[NatureLover]

@Dimity  am so sorry to hear how you're feeling, and your situation 😞

Also sad for you that you've lost faith in your MH team 😞 I wonder what can be done about that?

Also about your sister's unsafe living situation and problems 😞 I can understand how this would be an incredible burden and worry for you. 

I don't know if this sort of thing helps or hinders - please ignore if not helpful: I spent 3 years in bed, starting 17 years ago, with severe unrelenting depression and intense SI (a nervous breakdown). I could see zero hope for my future or what it might look like. I lost 98% of my friends at that time, as well as my career path and dreams. But after that, I managed to rebuild slowly in a different direction...you know what my life looks like now, well, it's so much better than it was before the nervous breakdown. I haven't had any SI since then and my depression when it hits is not severe, more the S.A.D. type of depression. (I don't know if that's helpful or not - I am trying to be encouraging, so please ignore if not)

There's also that helpful phrase "This too shall pass", which I wish I had known back then. (This phrase is troublesome when things are good! But I find it helpful when things aren't good.)

I am here for you @Dimity ...sending hugs and wishes that you will see some hope for your future 💚

[StuF]

Sorry to hear how things are for you @Dimity 

I can't offer much, but wishing you strength in the darkness

[Dimity]

Thanks @StuF @NatureLover @EternalFlower @Captain24 @Appleblossom at least there's a hint of sun today. I won't hold my breath waiting on enlightenment but appreciate your company and support and feel encouraged to hang on. I just hope I'll recognise opportunities to change things for the better... sometimes it's a bit foggy. 

There are some small wins. I dabble in environmental advocacy and just had a ministerial response - and the cat has jumped on my lap. I see my gp this afternoon. 

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity 

Sorry to hear about your sister, and her level of unwellness.  Hearing you about the histotical trauma that leads to these situations.  I am better at taking care of the house and others, than myself, but I will jump in shower before I go out tonight to rehearsal.  I am not sure how long it is been ... my mind echoes with only bathing once per week .. memories rather then memes ... and it has been very cold. 

Listening to Bob Carr and John Anderson ... ex Aussie... both sides of ... pollies ... not sure about much ....  but not deliberately vague or euphemistic, rarely deliberately anything except for keeping on.  Holding breath was a problem diagnosed once by a pdoc who also did bioenergetics.  It was an unconscious habit. So since then ... I have consciously done a lot of breath regulation activities ... swimming, singing, wind instruments and meditation .... no ... dont hold your breath unless you really want to.

Knowing what to do regarding unwell close family members has stretched me all my life, from childhood, through young adulthood, middle age, and now into old age.  It is hard when she goes into helplessness mode.  I am changing my use of NDIS as I felt pushed into a more and more helpless obedience, which was not healthy for me ... what to do ... what to do ... having reasonable expectations ... what are they ...

Take care

Hugs Apple