Welcome to My NIghtmare

[Wolfchild]

PTSD has cost me a lot since I first started having serious episodes in 2012. More than anything it has cost me sleep. After the initial crisis including hospitalisations and the usual psychiatric assessments (the Dr will Skype you now) came the medication go round. Then I found online forums and got moderated off one after the other after the other. You can't use this word or that phrase. You can't swear, you can't be too descriptive. For .... sake aren\t we made of tougher stuff than that?

But I digress. Medication has been the usual kaleidescope, finally settling on the least evil one that might knock me out all night and half the day, but at least I don't have to eat like a pig all day on it. For 12 months now I have been medicated but have ceased psychiatric visits. I had to leave work late last year (wasn\'t POLITE enough for the workplace) and had resigned myself to a pharmaceutically modified, flat, restricted existence.

Until about a week ago when the nightmares started again. I would love to be able to share more about that but I keep getting moderated off other forums over it and I am guessing this one is no different. Anyway the point is the nightmares are back. Fleeting seconds at first, then minutes then half hour blocks. By the end of the week I suspect I will be back to very little sleep, dossing on the lounge so my long suffering partner can get some rest and losing my grip all over again.

I have been here before staring into the abyss. It's back, stalking me in the shadows and I can't help feeling it is going to get me this time. There seems to be no real, lasting answer only making the best of a bad situation and medicating the rest.

I can't go through all that again and I truly do not know where to go from here. I have tried everything and wonder if I am even meant to live. (Probably get moderated off for that comment too but it is genuinely how I feel).

[Hobbit]

Hi @Wolfchild ,

I'm Hobbit and I would like to say welcome to these forums. I'm sorry you have had some bad experiences with other forums. While we need to adhere to forum guidelines in order to keep a safe and non-threatening environment for everyone, I am sure you will find some wonderfully supportive people here.

I really do feel for you- it must be so hard being on something that knocks you out all night and half of the day, and then to have nightmares in the middle of it all must be terrible.

I am going to see if there are any of our members here that might be able to offer you some support - @PeppiPatty @Alessandra1992 @Loopy @Kiera80 @Eagle @kenny66  - does anyone have some kind words for Wolfchild?

As always, I would like to say that you are in a safe environment here on these forums, and the fact that you are reaching out to people is a strength in itself.

If you have any concerns for your own safety, please do call Lifeline on 13 11 44 or Suicide Call Back Line on 1300 659 467.

Hobbit

[Keith1292]

Hi Wolfchild.  I'm new to the forum and really feel for you. I have chronic PTSD (started 2005) and last year ended up in acute care MHU.  I have regular appointments with my psychiatrist and psychologist (who specialises in PTSD).  One of the medications I am on has significantly reduced the nightmares by about 50%. Instead of every night I am now down to 2-3 a week (a good week) or 3-4 a week (bad week if there has been a trigger).  It has taken me a while to come to terms that there is no quick fix and the psychology treatment is long term - still I'm making slow progress.  From your last comment I would say  don't hesitate to get to hospital (or another safe place if closer). Tomorrow is another day. Hang in there champ. 

[kristin]

Dear @Wolfchild & @Keith1292 

A very warm welcome to the forums! Thanks to both of you for your open and honest posts. It takes a lot of courage to jump into the conversation. It can help to reach out when you are suffering a lot, but in my experiecnce that is also when you feel most like you've been flayed emotionally (which is truly excruciating).

You aren't alone here with PTSD as well as myself there's also @Loopy  @Rick (who sadly is not well ATM, but we hold hope for him through this), also @SCORPION just to mention a few. We all have our own journeys some of us have PTSD through an accident, or through woking in emergency services, or domestic violence or child abuse. If you want to post about the reasons behind your PTSD you will find that is ok, you just need to make sure you're not being graphic in your descriptions.

I have to apologise because I'm pretty exhausted and sleep-deprived myself at the moment (not nightmares thankfully, just a lot going on which is pushing on internal ouch points), so I'll make it a short post. I really encourage you to search the forum on PTSD, read other's experiences and feel free to join the conversations. I'll try to make a longer reply when my brain's not addled.

Take care both of you.

Hope for a peaceful night's sleep endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Alessandra1992]

Welcome @Wolfchild
This must be a really crappy time but maybe @Keith1292 has a good idea about tapping back into some supports?
I am not sure if there are any PTSD peer led groups in your state or territory but maybe it is worth ringing local community health centre, library or hospital social worker to find out?
Perhaps if there isn't one, think about how would you start a group? Guaranteed you will not be the only person living with PTSD in your area.
Some guidelines for setting up a peer led group can be found at the Centre of Excellence in Peer Support (CEPS). You can google CEPS as I think it is now part of MIND www.ceps.org.au or www.mind.org.au

@Loopy and @ Rick and @kristin I think have all experienced c-PTSD, if you use the search function on this forum you might find some posts about it..
What has helped me with nightmares and flashbacks is mindfulness and being an attendee of a peer group.
It always feels gosh, words don't sufficiently describe the fear and heart pounding of nightmare..but I am glad my body wakes me so the frigging nightmare stops!
Apart from medication what has worked for you in the past?

Never easy coming out of flashback..

Medication might need adjusting, I wouldn't know but I usually have to get out of bed and walk around..have a cup of tea and then I will go and lie next to my hubby or children and fall asleep in sync with their breath.

Keep reaching out though, in the darkest hours of the night is when lifeline or suicide callback can be really helpful..or have you got any friends or family you could skype overseas?

[Wolfchild]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and you have made some very valid suggestions. It is a long standng safeguard of mine to never make a potentially life changing decision on a bad day so I will re-read all our responses and try to give things a more clinical assessmet.
Will see how things go tonight.

Thanks for caring.

[SCORPION]

Hi and welcome wolfchild love your monitor.
PSTD is a really hard slog 2 steps forward 1 back or more at times you have arrived at the right place . Really great people here tons of support good listening folks or will just sit and stare at a virtual bon fire if you want . When in that dark place they will give that little nudge to stay on track. Stay save.
Scorpion

[Wolfchild]

It has always been utterly astounding to me how so many people seem to go through life and never find themselves in the dark, lonely places people like us reguarly, sometimes permanently, inhabit. It's like a parallel universe where they go about their well ordered, well funded, well dressed lives, seemingly oblivious to anything more negative than a drop in their investment interest rates.

Most of the world is a mystery to me and there is so much I don't understand. Humankind's inhumanity to its own, the rampant destruction of everything in the name of The Economy, the terrible crimes visited on so many innocent people. I have always found the world a violent, hostile, unjust place and struggle to find the good, happy things others seem to conjure out of thin air.

Donny's post about anger management struck a chord. I would loved to have been able to write back and say something useful, even mildly understanding but after a lifetime of anger and unrealised retribution I remain clueless as to how to deal with it. Verbally abusive and if given the chance during an episode, physically aggressive, my own anger has been out of control so long I can't even remember the last time I didn't have it - if there ever was such a fairytale, long lost place.

Sometimes I wonder how it all came to this. Sometimes I wonder if the grief and anger and depression and rage will ever end. It feels like two years of treatment have not got me very far and if the definition of insanity is continuing the same behaviour and expecting a different result, where does 'give it more time, don't give up' end and 'flogging a dead horse' begin?

Maybe my expectations (of treatment outcomes) are too high - no doubt it wouldn't be the first time my expectations exceeded the realistic likelihood of success. Then again maybe my expectations are too low. I never was much good at the 'positive thinking' school of psychology and still find it faintly ridiculous to hear someone tell a PTSD depression sufferer to 'try and focus on the positives'. I mean for ..... sake, if I could do that, it wouldn't be a mental illness, would it?

And there you go I am angry again.

In the final analysis maybe recovery is more a case of managing symptoms to a socially acceptable level, rather than the patient having the expectation the priority is their relief from suffering. Then again what would I know.

After all, my best thinking got me to here.

[peace]

Hi @Wolfchild I like the way you think / write.
And you make me smile. Welcome