Procrastination and stress

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah hun, that would absolutely shake you to your foundations. There's no statute of limitations on recovering from something like that darlin.

But yes, as you say further detail won't be good for anyone at this point in time.

Oh true! Ugh sucks having such a busy brain all the time hey. Is it a solo presentation or a group thing?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx these intrusive thoughts are hard, they keep popping in. I just want to feel loved and cared for despite everything. I've tried fighting the urge because being a loner is what I've known. I don't want to be that codependent annoying family member or friend.

It's a solo presentation, luckily it's only 3 minutes and not worth too much. I still have some of tomorrow to work on it. My presentation is somewhere between 3:15 and 4:15pm

[Jynx]

Don't forget the fact that we are almost always our own worst critic @creative_writer I promise you that no one else sees you as codependent or annoying. And sometimes in our attempts to not seem annoying or desperate we can accidentally end up closing off potentially nourishing experiences - I know because I have done this to myself before. Like I've had folks tell me they were surprised by how nice I was cos they thought I was actually quite snooty since I had initially refused to talk to them... I was just anxious and thought they wouldn't like me lol.

Also, please remember that sometimes even when we know something logically, our bodies still haven't 'learned it' experientially. So like if you just can't shake this feeling, that's not a personal failing that's legit just... a stage of recovery that you're at.

Oh phew! So you can kinda chill a bit and maybe focus on some regulating and stuff this arvo?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I found my parents overprotective growing up, so in a way I rebelled and became independent and secretive. Add trauma on top of that, it was even harder to form relationships. I literally have no primary school friends, or relationships from my formative years apart from family. I think forming meaningful relationships and being accepted despite MH and trauma would be healing in itself. I just hate to admit it. I mean, there are people who show love and care like family, but I don't think they can sit with the heaviness.

I'll probably have dinner soon, I am exhausted, been on the verge of tears, keeping it in is hard work

[Jynx]

Aye for sure, whole bundle of factors at play hey @creative_writer - it's why I was such a fan of Jessica Fern's Nested Model of Attachment (from the book Polysecure - it's about maintaining safe n secure attachments in non-monogamous relationships but the stuff she has on attachment is probably the best I've read for its insights, as well as being suuuuper digestible... okay shameless book plug over). The model doesn't just look at how our relationship w our primary caregivers can influence, but also all the other stuff, like our home life, our local community, our experiences at school, our cultural identity, even our relationship to earth n humanity... Reason I think it's relevant is to again point out that even if others have been through the same or similar traumas to you, they've never had to do so whilst also having your life experiences, context, attachment style... all of it.

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@creative_writer wrote:
I think forming meaningful relationships and being accepted despite MH and trauma would be healing in itself. I just hate to admit it.

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Hahaha is it even recovery if you aren't dragging your feet the whole time? 😅

I hope you can have the space to release those tears at some point hun, all that cortisol is gonna wreck your mood later otherwise. I know it's not always that simple but if you can even just sob silently into a pillow, it will do your brain wonders 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I am not in contact with anyone from school, not even high school. Except for one girl who I met during an extra curricular, but she went to a different school. I think our common interests sort of drew us to each other. I was always the quirky kid who found it hard to make friendships. My mum called me a hyperactive child, but I was very quiet and reserved at school because I was very socially anxious. It’s hard growing up ND and not knowing you’re ND. Being ND in itself may even influence your relationships with others. I suspect my mum is an undiagnosed ND, my dad and my siblings probably have traits too. At least some of us are ND, if not all.

I feel pretty burnt out now, I am exhausted. I can’t bring myself to cry, it happens every time. I delay crying, and by the time I have an opportunity I don’t feel it anymore

[Jynx]

Yeah nah high school relationships aren't all that for everyone @creative_writer I think I speak to maybe one person? And even then it's like, every few years. I definitely did not peak in high school - my high school experiences were awful. I did make friends along the way during my first uni degree, but none of them ever made me feel accepted for me, ND warts n all. Didn't find that until I was in my late 20's!!

I'm sorry that so many factors have pushed you to suppress your tears like that hun. It's rough. I hope that one day you can find enough of a sense of safety in your environment and within yourself to let go.

I'm headed off for tonight, I hope you have a super chill rest of your evening darlin 😊💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx aww, I feel like many of us ND kids struggle with school socially. I’ve lost contact with a lot of people, even old uni friends. I think it’s hard to stay motivated if that connection isn’t deep enough. Deep connections motivate humans to stay in contact. Friendships do take time and effort to nourish. I also prefer people who are comfortable enough to sit with the good and bad. I feel like society often feeds in the narrative that we must constantly do things to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Advice giving mode can also set off alarm bells if one is really struggling too. I can’t just talk to my parents, that advice isn’t the most suitable in my situation.

It’s hard, I’ve grown up to this way. I find it hard to be vulnerable around people. I’ve decided, that if I was ever to have a partner, I would want someone who I could be raw with.

I hope you have a restful night 💖😊

[creative_writer]

I’ve been teary today but I’m at uni. It’s hard keeping it in

[MJG017]

I'm sorry it's a bit of a tough day today @creative_writer. Hopefully it feels a bit better as the day goes on for you.

I've always struggled with keeping connected to most people. I appreciate that yes, maybe I could have tried harder to maintain them, but even looking back over the past 50 odd years, it always felt very one sided, like i was the only one who had an interest in maintaining these friendships.  It makes finding that motivation so difficult when you feel that it's not reciprocated in the same way... or even in any way.

I spent most of my life trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and looking back it never, ever helped make things better, other than that very temporary distraction from them.  This becomes even more apparent when you discover a lot of the people you do have around you start to disappear when you need them during really rough times in life.  You do it too long and it becomes very difficult to just 'turn back on' when you find someone who will accept in from you.  11 years on, and I still struggle with this with my partner.